• How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

      They'll get over it.

      Tags:
      • Wall
      • Mexican
      • Donald Trump
      60
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?

      The referee.

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • England
      • World Cup
      50
      Permalink
    • How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?

      None. "He fell."

      Tags:
      • Police
      83
      Permalink
    • What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

      Haaaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!

      Tags:
      • Whitney Houston
      50
      Permalink
    • What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?

      Organic food

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Children
      • Vaccination
      • Organic food
      40
      Permalink
    • Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

      The outside.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      51
      Permalink
    • Why haven't we found aliens yet?

      Because they are searching for intelligent life too.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      • Humanity
      • Intelligence
      40
      Permalink
    • Why are New Yorkers so depressed?

      Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

      Tags:
      • New York
      • New Jersey
      40
      Permalink
    • Why does Trump have small hands?

      It makes it easier for him to pull information out of his ass.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      30
      Permalink
    • How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

      3.

      His left ear.

      His right ear.

      And the final frontier.

      Tags:
      • Star Trek
      • Captain Kirk
      30
      Permalink
    • What does a grape say after it's stepped on?

      Nothing... It just lets out a little wine.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      30
      Permalink
    • How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      [Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]

      Tags:
      • EA
      • Lightbulb
      • Office
      30
      Permalink
    • How do you describe all of Russian history?

      But then it got worse.

      Tags:
      • Russia
      30
      Permalink
    • How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

      Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      • Blindness
      30
      Permalink
    • What makes a good tongue-twister?

      Well, it's hard to say...

      30
      Permalink
    • How do you know that an introvert likes you?

      He looks at your shoes instead of his.

      Tags:
      • Introvert
      30
      Permalink
    • How do you make holy water?

      Boil the hell out of it.

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      • Holy Water
      30
      Permalink
    • How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

      None.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Potato
      30
      Permalink
    • What's Batman's favourite fruit?

      Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.

      Tags:
      • Fruit
      • Batman
      30
      Permalink
    • How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      One.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      30
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

      Phillipe Phillope

      Tags:
      • France
      20
      Permalink
    • What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?

      A wouldpecker.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Trump and the Lannisters?

      A Lannister always pays his debts.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Game of Thrones
      20
      Permalink
    • What borders stupidity?

      Mexico and Canada

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?

      Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

      Tags:
      • Atheist
      • Dyslexia
      • Insomnia
      20
      Permalink
    • What size underwear do feminists wear?

      Double standard.

      Tags:
      • Clothing
      • Feminism
      20
      Permalink
    • Why are there so many grammar nazis on the internet?

      Because English majors don't have jobs.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • English
      • Grammar
      • Internet
      20
      Permalink
    • What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other?

      A color scheme.

      Tags:
      • Color
      20
      Permalink
    • What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

      A church.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Church
      20
      Permalink
    • What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

      He was consumed by his own pride.

      Tags:
      • Lion
      • Animal
      20
      Permalink
    • Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

      So they can see the battle.

      Tags:
      • France
      • Military
      20
      Permalink
    • When do S and C sound the same?

      When it's necessary.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      20
      Permalink
    • if Jesus died for sin...

      ...then who died for cos and tan?

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Jesus
      20
      Permalink
    • Why was the computer tired when he got home?

      Because he had a hard drive.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Programming
      20
      Permalink
    • Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?

      Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      20
      Permalink
    • Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?

      He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Ivanka Trump
      20
      Permalink
    • Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

      Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals.

      Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

      Cancer. Mary has cancer.

      Tags:
      • Cancer
      20
      Permalink
    • What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

      Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Grenade
      20
      Permalink
    • They say April showers bring May flowers, but what do Mayflowers bring?

      Genocide.

      Tags:
      • Pilgrim
      • Genocide
      • Native American
      20
      Permalink
    • Why are pirates such good singers?

      Because they hit the high C's.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Singing
      20
      Permalink
    • If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

      The United States of America

      Tags:
      • Mike Pence
      • Donald Trump
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

      Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Drinking
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

      We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

      Tags:
      • President
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

      Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

      Tags:
      • America
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • How do you kill a blonde?

      You shoot her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

      A Mechanic.

      Tags:
      • Amish
      • Horse
      • Mechanic
      20
      Permalink
    • Why did the French chef commit suicide?

      He lost the huile d'olive.

      Tags:
      • France
      • Cooking
      20
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

      Because of Mayweather.

      Tags:
      • Boxing
      • Fighting
      • Conor McGregor
      • Floyd Mayweather
      20
      Permalink
    • What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

      Prime mates.

      Tags:
      • Amazon
      • Monkey
      20
      Permalink
    • Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

      Because he is still alive.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Cremation
      20
      Permalink
    • Why do foot fetishists never win?

      Because they like the taste of defeat.

      Tags:
      • Foot
      20
      Permalink
    • What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

      Fizzyscists

      Tags:
      • Science
      20
      Permalink
    • Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

      Because one more would be two farty.

      Tags:
      • Bean
      • Irish
      20
      Permalink
    • How will Trump's presidency end?

      Someone will tell him Obama can hold his breath for 10 mins.

      Tags:
      • Barack Obama
      • Donald Trump
      31
      Permalink
    • How do billboards communicate?

      Sign language

      Tags:
      • Language
      20
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

      One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Grammar
      20
      Permalink
    • What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

      Their knees.

      Tags:
      • Knee
      • Women
      20
      Permalink
    • Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

      Because he felt crumby.

      Tags:
      • Cookie
      • Doctor
      20
      Permalink
    • How do you get an art major off your front porch?

      Pay for the pizza!

      Tags:
      • Pizza
      • Art major
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the biggest city in the United States?

      Obesity.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

      Skinning the vegan.

      Tags:
      • Pizza
      • Vegan
      • Cannibal
      • Vegetarian
      20
      Permalink
    • What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?

      Minnesota.

      Tags:
      • Soda
      • Minnesota
      20
      Permalink
    • What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

      None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Alphabet
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a doctor and God?

      God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Doctor
      20
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whiskey?

      A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous, but a bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

      Tags:
      • Dress
      • Whiskey
      20
      Permalink
    • What rock group has four men that don't sing?

      Mount Rushmore.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Mount Rushmore
      20
      Permalink
    • Why do you never play hide and seek with mountains?

      Mountains peak.

      Tags:
      • Mountain
      • Hide and seek
      20
      Permalink
    • How did pirates communicate before the internet?

      Pier to Pier Networking

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Internet
      20
      Permalink
    • How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

      She can fit into your wife's clothes.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Wife
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

      The letter F.

      Tags:
      • Lying
      • Politics
      • Spelling
      20
      Permalink
    • Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

      Because then it'd be a foot.

      Tags:
      • Foot
      • Nose
      • Anatomy
      20
      Permalink
    • What borders stupidity?

      Canada and Mexico.

      Tags:
      • Canada
      • Mexican
      • Idiot
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • What do Donald Trump the iPhone 7 have in common?

      They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      • Steve Jobs
      • Donald Trump
      20
      Permalink
    • Women who are short are called "petite," But what are short men called?

      Friends.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Short
      • Height
      • Friend Zone
      20
      Permalink
    • What's blue and not very heavy?

      Light blue.

      Tags:
      • Color
      20
      Permalink
    • What's Canada's intelligence agency called?

      The C.I. Eh

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • Canada
      • Intelligence
      20
      Permalink
    • What is heavy forwards and not backwards?

      ton

      20
      Permalink
    • Why did the blind woman fall into the well?

      Because she couldn't see that well.

      Tags:
      • Well
      • Blindness
      20
      Permalink
    • What sex position creates the ugliest children?

      Ask your mother.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Mother
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • What confuses an idiot?

      Seven.

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      20
      Permalink
    • Where do theatrical dogs wear their gloves?

      On their...

      (Dramatic Paws)

      Tags:
      • Dog
      20
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the cannibal who ate an optimist?

      He couldn't quite keep him down.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Optimist
      20
      Permalink
    • What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

      An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Pizza
      • Pregnancy
      20
      Permalink
    • What sport do you play with a wombat?

      Wom.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Wombat
      20
      Permalink
    • How is free healthcare like a good joke?

      Americans don't get it.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Health Care
      20
      Permalink
    • How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell "Fuck"?

      You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell "Bingo!"

      Tags:
      • Bingo
      • Old People
      20
      Permalink
    • What's the penalty for bigamy?

      Two mothers-in-law.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Polygamy
      • Mother In Law
      20
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about Marx's tomb?

      They say it's a Communist plot.

      Tags:
      • Tomb
      • Cemetery
      • Communism
      20
      Permalink
    • What does DNA stand for?

      National Dyslexic Association

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Dyslexia
      20
      Permalink
    • Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

      The polar bear.

      Tags:
      • Bear
      • Jungle
      20
      Permalink
    • What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?

      12 pirates.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      20
      Permalink
    • How did the hipster burn his fingertips?

      He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      • Lightbulb
      20
      Permalink
    • What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake?

      Not MY fault.

      Tags:
      • Earth
      • Geology
      • Earthquake
      20
      Permalink
    • How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

      Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Politics
      • Chemistry
      • Professor
      20
      Permalink
    • Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?

      Because they're all dead.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      • Tyrannosaurus Rex
      20
      Permalink
    • What bounces and makes kids cry?

      My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

      Tags:
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • When do you start on red and stop on green?

      When you're eating a watermelon!

      Tags:
      • Food
      10
      Permalink
    • Why is NTFS healthy?

      Because it's FAT free.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      10
      Permalink
    • What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

      Losing pounds.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Weight Loss
      • United States
      • United Kingdom
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

      Aye matey!

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Birthday
      10
      Permalink
    • What is the colour of the Wind?

      Blew.

      Tags:
      • Color
      21
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

      Well, well, well!

      10
      Permalink
    • How do crabs get around on land?

      They use the sidewalk.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • Why is Europe like a frying pan?

      They both have Greece on the bottom!

      Tags:
      • Europe
      • Greek
      10
      Permalink
    • What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?

      Five Guys

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Restaurant
      10
      Permalink
    • How can you tell the gender of an ant?

      You put it in the water. If it sinks it's a girl ant, and if it floats, it's a buoyant.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      10
      Permalink
    • What headphones does United Airlines use?

      Beats by Dr.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the vegan cross the road?

      To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      10
      Permalink
    • Have you heard the one about the transgender vegan?

      He was a her-before.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Transgender
      10
      Permalink
    • Why does Jesus hates playing video games?

      Because it takes him three days to respawn

      Tags:
      • Video Game
      • Jesus
      10
      Permalink
    • What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

      The wall-rus.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed?

      She was tired of Putin's snoring.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Vladimir Putin
      10
      Permalink
    • Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

      Midlife Crisis.

      Tags:
      • Depression
      • Kurt Cobain
      10
      Permalink
    • Just one.

      How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Time Travel
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

      Decaffeinated.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Communist sniper?

      A Marxist.

      Tags:
      • Communism
      • Karl Marx
      • Socialism
      10
      Permalink
    • When is the Bible accurate?

      When it's thrown from a short distance.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you spell man backwards?

      Flashbacks.

      Tags:
      • PTSD
      • Vietnam
      10
      Permalink
    • "Siri, why am I still single?"

      Siri activates front camera.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Relationship
      • Insulting
      • Technology
      10
      Permalink
    • How does a man take a bubble bath?

      He eats beans for dinner.

      Tags:
      • Men
      10
      Permalink
    • What was Forrest Gump's email password?

      1forrest1

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      • Celebrity
      • Technology
      10
      Permalink
    • Why is there a fence around the cemetery?

      Because people are dying to get in.

      10
      Permalink
    • A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

      Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Women
      • Insulting
      10
      Permalink
    • What was the world's first palindrome?

      Madam, I'm Adam.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • history
      10
      Permalink
    • What's green and eats nuts?

      Syphilis.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      10
      Permalink
    • Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice?

      He was a sherbet!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the potato chip say to the battery?

      If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

      Tags:
      • Food
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

      (A gummy bear!)

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?

      Because there are no pupils to see!

      Tags:
      • School
      10
      Permalink
    • 'Why are you crying, Ted?'

      asked his mum.

      'Because my new sneakers hurt.'

      'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.'

      'But they are the only feet I have.'

      Tags:
      • Children
      10
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus?

      She took the 22 twice instead.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the bicycle call its dad?

      Pop-cycle

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      10
      Permalink
    • What is a computer virus?

      A terminal illness.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      10
      Permalink
    • How come ants don't get sick?

      ...because they have lil' anty-bodies.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      • Biology
      10
      Permalink
    • Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

      Because they're a little meteor.

      Tags:
      • Space
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

      Amanda Lynn

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Guitar
      10
      Permalink
    • What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

      That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Donald Trump
      • Ivanka Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

      The letter f.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a hacker who can see the future?

      A 4chan teller.

      Tags:
      • Psychic
      10
      Permalink
    • Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

      Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

      Tags:
      • Mining
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the fat kid eat for dinner?

      Salad, he's on a diet.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Children
      10
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?

      The knife has a point.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

      A trophy.

      Tags:
      • Biology
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the slave go to college?

      To pick up his master's degree.

      Tags:
      • College
      • Slavery
      10
      Permalink
    • Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

      If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

      Tags:
      • Diet
      • Weight Loss
      • United Kingdom
      10
      Permalink
    • Why do riot police like to get to work early?

      To beat the crowd.

      Tags:
      • Police
      10
      Permalink
    • What is big, yellow and can't swim?

      A bus full of children

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Swimming
      10
      Permalink
    • How many friend-zoned guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

      None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw...

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Friend Zone
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?

      The infantry!

      Tags:
      • Military
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

      Because she kept throwing out all the Ws.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?

      Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      10
      Permalink
    • Who was the most racist president?

      Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.

      Tags:
      • Bill Clinton
      10
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of "trust"?

      Two cannibals doing 69.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

      New Jersey picked first.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • New York
      • New Jersey
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist?

      Alien vs Predator

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      10
      Permalink
    • What do men and tile floors have in common?

      ...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

      Tags:
      • Men
      21
      Permalink
    • Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

      It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

      To prevent Hispanic attacks

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      10
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

      The farmer shucks between fits.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      • Diarrhea
      • Epilepsy
      • Prostitution
      10
      Permalink
    • Why does an elephant have four feet?

      Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      10
      Permalink
    • What do rednecks do on Halloween?

      Pump-kin.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      10
      Permalink
    • What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

      You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Zoo
      10
      Permalink
    • What is the best way to pick up American girls?

      With a crane.

      Tags:
      • America
      10
      Permalink
    • Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?

      Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Chicken
      10
      Permalink
    • How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people?

      A big wave

      Tags:
      • Japan
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a lion with a rhinoceros?

      A trip to the hospital and animal cruelty charges.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      10
      Permalink
    • Why do African-American people like fried chicken and watermelon?

      Because they are delicious food items.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a black man without a job?

      A man disenfranchised by the failing American economy.

      Tags:
      • America
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      It didn't. It was struck by a car and killed instantly by the impact.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the man with no arms fall of his bike?

      Someone threw a washing machine at him.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      10
      Permalink
    • What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

      Wheres my tractor?

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      10
      Permalink
    • what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

      we are both lawyers

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

      A widow.

      Tags:
      • Widow
      • Husband
      10
      Permalink
    • How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      None. They're not small enough to fit.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you call 100 John Deere's circling around McDonald's in Kentucky?

      Prom Night.

      Tags:
      • Kentucky
      • McDonalds
      10
      Permalink
    • Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

      Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

      Tags:
      • Ocean
      10
      Permalink
    • What happens when frogs park illegally?

      They get toad.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?

      A carrot!

      Tags:
      • Carrot
      10
      Permalink
    • What is the cheapest way to entertain?

      Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.

      10
      Permalink
    • How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

      Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?

      He thought it was a high school!

      Tags:
      • High School
      10
      Permalink
    • What's cannibalism?

      Men eating pork.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Pork
      • Cannibal
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

      A frostbite.

      Tags:
      • Biting
      • Vampire
      • Frostbite
      10
      Permalink
    • What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

      Pull the pin and throw it back.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Grenade
      10
      Permalink
    • What type of bees produce milk?

      Boobies!

      10
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

      Erotic is using a feather.

      Kinky is using the whole chicken!

      10
      Permalink
    • How do crazy people go through the forest?

      They take the psycho path.

      Tags:
      • Forest
      10
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

      The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

      Because it said 'concentrate'.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

      It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

      Tags:
      • Paint
      • Blonde
      21
      Permalink
    • How do aliens pay for their coffees?

      With Starbucks!

      Tags:
      • Alien
      • Coffee
      • Starbucks
      21
      Permalink
    • What did the mother say when her son asked if he was ugly?

      "I told you not to call me that in public!"

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Ugly
      • Mother
      21
      Permalink
    • How warm is a janitor's closet?

      Broom Temperature.

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know the first French fry wasn't cooked in France?

      It was cooked in Greece.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What's E.T. short for?

      Because he's got little legs.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      00
      Permalink
    • Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "what would Jesus do?"

      Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do dogs float in water?

      Because they're good buoys.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

      For the beets.

      Tags:
      • Rap
      • Whole Foods
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Waldo wear stripes?

      He didn't want to be spotted.

      Tags:
      • Waldo
      00
      Permalink
    • Most people know that Sin City is Vegas... But do they know what Den City is?

      It's mass divided by volume.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Americans still think they are in "The Greatest country in the world"?

      When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

      Tags:
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

      Quarter pounder with cheese.

      Tags:
      • Eating
      • Anorexia
      00
      Permalink
    • As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

      Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.

      Tags:
      • Germany
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

      A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

      One, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

      Tags:
      • Drone
      • Military
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods?

      The satisfactory.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't a leopard play hide and seek?

      Because he's always spotted.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are crime rates down in the US?

      Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

      Tags:
      • Crime
      • Police
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • How does cheese get more mature?

      Fromage.

      Tags:
      • Cheese
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the opposite of ladyfingers?

      Mentos.

      Tags:
      • Candy
      00
      Permalink
    • My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she wouldn't get a job.

      I said, "Are you having an existential cry, sis?"

      Tags:
      • Philosophy
      00
      Permalink
    • What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?

      A bulldozer.

      Tags:
      • Bulldozer
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?

      None of them make the sandwiches.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make the number one disappear?

      Just add a "g" and it's gone

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza

      A pizza can feed a family of four

      Tags:
      • Pizza
      • Guitar
      00
      Permalink
    • Who drives away all of his customers?

      A taxicab driver.

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Norwegians build their own tables?

      No ikea!

      Tags:
      • Ikea
      • Norway
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a penguin build it's house?

      Igloos it together.

      Tags:
      • Penguin
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are dwarfs so good at math?

      Because it's the little things that count.

      Tags:
      • Dwarf
      00
      Permalink
    • A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."

      "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

      The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bear
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

      A seizure salad.

      Tags:
      • Epilepsy
      • Vegetable
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cloud's undergarments?

      Thunderwear.

      Tags:
      • Cloud
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Well it depends on what you mean by change.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Philosophy
      00
      Permalink
    • How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

      One. But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many lonely men does it take to change a lightbulb?

      One. But he wishes it took two.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Loneliness
      00
      Permalink
    • How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?

      We're on our sixth.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None. It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

      Two: one to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

      Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

      Tags:
      • Number
      00
      Permalink
    • Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

      No, you shouldn't eat your fingers at all!

      Tags:
      • Eating
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a spider from Baghdad?

      An Iraqnid.

      Tags:
      • Iraq
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

      Anna one, Anna two.

      Tags:
      • Drum
      • Music
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new French tank with 14 gears?

      Thirteen go in reverse, but one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

      Tags:
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one candle say to the other?

      "Don't birthdays just burn you up?"

      Tags:
      • Candle
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a Venetian blind?

      Poke him in the eye.

      Tags:
      • Venice
      00
      Permalink
    • Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

      Brochure.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why is the Australian emergency line "000"?

      Because it'll look the same when your phone is upside down.

      Tags:
      • Australia
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

      Trombones.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Trombone
      • Tom Jones
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call cheese on steroids??

      Shredded cheese.

      Tags:
      • PEDs
      • Cheese
      00
      Permalink
    • Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

      I just feel like humans were never meant to run 26 miles.

      Tags:
      • Running
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?

      Billie Jeans.

      Tags:
      • Michael Jackson
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?

      Surely fire is warm enough already?

      Tags:
      • Fire
      00
      Permalink
    • Did Jesus ever get drunk?

      I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?

      No more jokes about the profit.

      Tags:
      • Islam
      • Capitalism
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?

      You hang up a bingo sign!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Bingo
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you measure a Lego man's shoe size?

      In square feet.

      Tags:
      • Lego
      00
      Permalink
    • How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb.

      One, we are efficient and devoid of humor

      Tags:
      • Germany
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fat psychic.

      A four-chin teller.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Psychic
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

      Ground beef.

      Tags:
      • Earth
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Bono spell color?

      With or without "u".

      Tags:
      • Bono
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

      A woman.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf who escaped from prison?

      A small medium at large.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Jail
      • Psychic
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a bass player off of your porch?

      You pay for your pizza.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Pizza
      00
      Permalink
    • What has two butts and kills people?

      An assassin.

      Tags:
      • Assassin
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies?

      An ambulance.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Fighting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane?

      A pilot.

      Tags:
      • Muslim
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

      Because 5 8 13!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the doctor get angry?

      Because he lost his patients.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the sea say to the river?

      You can run but you can't tide!

      Tags:
      • Ocean
      • River
      • Water
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call someone with no body or nose?

      Nobody knows.

      Tags:
      • Anatomy
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

      A condescending con descending.

      00
      Permalink
    • How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Two. One to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?

      A convertible.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Christian
      00
      Permalink
    • What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

      Remorse code.

      Tags:
      • Apology
      00
      Permalink
    • How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Three.

      One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some disgusting pink mouthwash.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best way to overcome depression?

      Love it, so it leaves you, too.

      Tags:
      • Depression
      00
      Permalink
    • A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

      "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

      A synonym roll.

      Tags:
      • Language
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?

      Eire O'Dynamic

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • If Jesus were still alive, what kind of car would he drive?

      A Christler.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

      A happy meal.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

      He had to go to the Bat Room.

      Tags:
      • Batman
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

      Because change comes from within.

      Tags:
      • Buddha
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

      Husband: Because by the time I get around to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

      My hand.

      00
      Permalink
    • What has four wheels and can't support a family?

      A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.

      Tags:
      • College
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?

      A cantaloupe.

      Tags:
      • Fruit
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What Jam can't you eat?

      Traffic.

      Tags:
      • Traffic
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the number one cause of dry skin?

      Towels.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do pencils shave?

      To look sharp

      Tags:
      • Writing
      00
      Permalink
    • What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?

      Blacking out and gaining money.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cheap wig?

      A small price toupee.

      Tags:
      • Hair Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard the joke about the kid who was deaf?

      Neither has he.

      Tags:
      • Deafness
      00
      Permalink
    • This guy just tried to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me.

      I said, "Hey, you wanna pizza me?!"

      Tags:
      • Pizza
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the narcoleptic hair stylist?

      He dyed in his sleep.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

      Because he isn't real.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between hearing a joke and seeing a joke?

      One involves a mirror.

      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Chinese man need to take his dog out?

      Oven mitts.

      Tags:
      • China
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when a dwarf waves at you?

      A microwave.

      Tags:
      • Dwarf
      00
      Permalink
    • What's white and can't climb trees?

      A Fridge.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?

      Past tense.

      Tags:
      • English
      • Grammar
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?

      Because he was a loaner.

      Tags:
      • Banker
      00
      Permalink
    • How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      One? Or two? One? .... Or two?

      Tags:
      • Eyesight
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are jokes in base 8 not funny?

      Because 7,10,11!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Number
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the robot mad?

      Because people kept pushing its buttons.

      Tags:
      • Robot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

      Because they're never wrong.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Lara Croft sad?

      Because her career was in ruins.

      Tags:
      • Lara Croft
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

      Because 6, 7 8.

      Tags:
      • Yoda
      • Number
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?

      He's fine - fake noose.

      Tags:
      • Mime
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

      A receding hareline.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Hair Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the stoplight turn red?

      Well, wouldn't you turn red if you were caught changing in the middle of the street?

      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Bono like Google?

      He still hasn't found what he's looking for.

      Tags:
      • Bono
      • Google
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you flirt with a calligraphist?

      Say, "You have pretty I's!"

      Tags:
      • Writing
      00
      Permalink
    • How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Why does everything have to be a group task?

      Tags:
      • Introvert
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What was Joan of Arc's hidden talent?

      She could really cook.

      Tags:
      • history
      • Joan of Arc
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you give a girl that has everything?

      Penicillin.

      Tags:
      • Sick
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?

      He asked a kid to go across the street to get a pack of smokes, the kid said "No!"

      So he ran over himself.

      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

      The teacher says, "spit your gum out." But the train says, "chew chew chew."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog?

      It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

      Tags:
      • Bra
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the mermaid wear to her maths class?

      An algae bra.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Mermaid
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

      He parks his car, man.

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Jamaica
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do Siths do their shopping?

      At the Darth Mall.

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

      We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do pens get sent to prison?

      To do long sentences!

      Tags:
      • Jail
      • Writing
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

      She couldn't control her pupils!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Eyesight
      • Classroom
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best way to sum up the 90's?

      90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?

      Meals on wheels.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Skateboarding
      00
      Permalink
    • What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

      Logger-rhythms.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?

      Because he was stuffed!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Teddy Bear
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

      Beer nuts are about $2. Deer Nuts are under a buck.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do the French have so many civil wars?

      So they can win one every now and again.

      Tags:
      • War
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

      Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Elevator
      • Michigan
      00
      Permalink
    • Why shouldn't you throw away an old dolphin?

      Because they can be re-porpoised!

      Tags:
      • Dolphin
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

      Sleigher

      Tags:
      • Heavy Metal
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family?

      At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the antivaxxer's 3-year-old crying?

      He was having a midlife crisis.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Vaccination
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?

      All rice, all rice, all rice

      Tags:
      • Asian
      • Matthew McConaughey
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?

      Try spelling Evian backwards!

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident?

      The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a baby potato?

      A small fry.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?

      Because in France one egg is un ouf.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do facts come from?

      The factory.

      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

      It was given two consecutive sentences.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one duck say to the other?

      Quack.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a melon?

      One of its halves are both the same.

      00
      Permalink
    • Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical?

      If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.

      Tags:
      • Theater
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows like to line dance to?

      Any kind of moosic you like!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Jedi kill his master?

      To get to the other side.

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the burglar take a shower?

      He wanted to make a clean getaway

      Tags:
      • Shower
      • Burglary
      00
      Permalink
    • A armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money then says, "Got to ask, what's with the CDs?"

      He replies, "It's my disk-eyes."

      Tags:
      • Bank
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are storm troopers so clingy?

      Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?

      Molasses.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know what's not right?

      Left.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Albert Einstein hold down a job?

      Because he's dead.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Albert Einstein
      00
      Permalink
    • Why should you knock before you open the fridge door?

      There might be a salad dressing.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Who decided to name it a "sperm whale"?

      A group of seamen.

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • Whale
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?

      Because it's hard to disCERN.

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • What can you serve that you cannot eat?

      A tennis ball.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

      She had to be force fed.

      Tags:
      • Anorexia
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • What's worse than being a dwarf.

      Being a dwarf with no legs.

      Tags:
      • Dwarf
      00
      Permalink
    • How many oranges grow on the average orange tree ?

      All of them.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you jump into the red sea?

      Wet.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a horse drink?

      Put it in a blender.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of key opens a banana?

      A monkey!

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

      It was in tents!

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Circus
      00
      Permalink
    • What ended in 1887?

      1886.

      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"

      Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"

      Tags:
      • history
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • What's green and fluffy?

      Red fluff, if you're color blind.

      Tags:
      • Color
      00
      Permalink
    • Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

      Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

      Tags:
      • Republican
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

      Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What time does Andy Murray arrive at Wimbledon?

      About tennish.

      Tags:
      • Tennis
      • Wimbledon
      • Andy Murray
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do ghosts go for their holidays?

      The Dead Sea.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?

      An oxymoron.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Sensitive
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

      *points thumbs at chest* That guy.

      Tags:
      • Mental Health
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you hurt a circus clown?

      Go for the juggler!

      Tags:
      • Clown
      • Circus
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?

      Slow clowns.

      Tags:
      • Clown
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

      A private tooter.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • What is black and white and red all over?

      A panda bear with a sunburn!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

      Handcuffs.

      Tags:
      • Jewelry
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • How do they dance in the Middle East?

      Sheik-to-sheik.

      Tags:
      • Dancing
      • Middle East
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill?

      A $100 bill makes change

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you think the unthinkable?

      With an itheburg.

      Tags:
      • Titanic
      • Speech impediment
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

      Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.

      Tags:
      • Cheese
      • Germany
      • Hot dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

      Follow the fresh prints.

      Tags:
      • Will Smith
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are mountains so funny?

      Because they are hill areas.

      Tags:
      • Mountain
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

      Someone who points out the obvious.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why is wrestling stupid??

      It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      • Wrestling
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a simile?

      It's like a metaphor.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1001. 1 to hold the light bulb and 1000 to turn the house.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?

      I don't know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.

      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of ant is good at math?

      An accountant!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Bug
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a pirate from Boston say?

      Aaahhh.

      Tags:
      • Boston
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you need an Ark?

      I Noah guy.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Chinese restaurants do with dogs that wander into the kitchen?

      Kept them as pets.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • China
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the tallest building in the entire world?

      The library, because it has so many stories.

      Tags:
      • Book
      • Library
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a horse that's always helping out with arts and crafts?

      Glue.

      Tags:
      • Glue
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb?

      Sikhs.

      Tags:
      • Sikh
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

      Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.

      Tags:
      • Chiropractor
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

      The German knows when he's not speaking English.

      Tags:
      • English
      • Language
      • Scottish
      00
      Permalink
    • What are cat-erpillars afraid of?

      Dog-erpillars.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool?

      Air pockets.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a plane with no wings?

      An unfinished plane.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • What color socks do bears wear?

      (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

      Tags:
      • Bear
      • Foot
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

      Sleep in the wardrobe.

      Tags:
      • Snake
      • Bedroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

      Because he filed as head of the household.

      Tags:
      • IRS
      • Bill Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the witch ever get her enchantments right?

      She forgot to use Spell Check.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      • Computer
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

      Neither of us know the words to any of her songs

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Singing
      • Mariah Carey
      11
      Permalink
    • Which birds steal soap from the bath?

      Robber ducks!

      Tags:
      • Bath
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

      A ginger snap.

      Tags:
      • Redhead
      00
      Permalink
    • What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

      They were all born on holidays.

      Tags:
      • Abraham Lincoln
      • George Washington
      • Christopher Columbus
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep?

      A wooly jumper.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?

      A Brontosnorus.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

      ... accommodating.

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      00
      Permalink
    • What's another name for a clever duck?

      A wise quacker!

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do you find a one-legged cat?

      Right where you left it.

      00
      Permalink
    • When does a joke become a dad joke?

      When the punchline becomes apparent.

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • Did the robot have a brother?

      No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!

      Tags:
      • Robot
      • Transgender
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the gender of Iron Man?

      Fe Male

      Tags:
      • Iron Man
      00
      Permalink
    • How do we know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

      If it was invented anywhere else, it would be the teethbrush.

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      • West Virginia
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

      The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      00
      Permalink
    • What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

      Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

      10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • California
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the worst time to have a heart attack?

      During a game of charades.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Heart
      00
      Permalink
    • What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

      Antibiotics.

      Tags:
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • What do engineers use for birth control?

      Their personalities.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      • Birth control
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?

      Finding half a worm.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Worm
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?

      A garbage truck.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

      Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

      Tags:
      • Laundry
      00
      Permalink
    • What's worse then falling off a building?

      Falling of a higher building.

      00
      Permalink
    • What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

      A nomad.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's a horrible icebreaker?

      The Titanic.

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Titanic
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the calculator say to the student?

      You can count on me.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • School
      • Counting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

      One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      I don't know, I left early.

      Tags:
      • Art
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was sally mopping the floor?

      Because she was a slave.

      Tags:
      • Slavery
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God create man before woman?

      He didn't want any advice!

      Tags:
      • God
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What type of flour do you buy an orphan?

      Self-raising.

      Tags:
      • Orphan
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a cheeseburger sad?

      Make it with blue cheese!

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexadecimal?

      Because 7 8 9 A.

      Tags:
      • Canadia
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a wandering caveman?

      A Meanderthal.

      Tags:
      • Caveman
      00
      Permalink
    • Should women have children after 35?

      "No, 35 children are enough!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • How many babies does it take to paint a shed?

      Considering babies are incapable of rational thought it is unlikely they would understand how to employ the correct method to paint.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Paint
      00
      Permalink
    • Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

      Only thyme will tell.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • You know what's a cool job?

      Mirror inspector. I could really see my self doing it.

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Mirror
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?

      Absolutely nothing!

      00
      Permalink
    • How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

      On average or do you want the whole distribution?

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

      Because he 's married.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Stevie Wonder
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

      They were looking for the ark tick.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?

      A million dollars minus 75 cents.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

      Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife to her husband:

      "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

      Knock on the door.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes fell down a hole.

      One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery?

      They woke up.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What every sports player should say after winning?

      "First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Where's the best place to hide a body?

      Page two of Google.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?

      "You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • How do two programmers make money?

      One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Money
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Secrecy?

      Offering blank visiting cards.

      00
      Permalink
    • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?

      His shoe.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"

      Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?

      The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get an old lady to swear?

      Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do with a sick chemist?

      If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks?

      You have pressure when your wife is pregnant.

      You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant.

      You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • Me: Siri, why am I alone?

      Siri: *opens front facing camera*

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • What does an SEO and part-time chiropractor work on?

      Your bad backlinks.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Work
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"

      Girl: "Do Not Enter!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?

      Student: No, he did it all by himself.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?"

      The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Nerd
      • Travel
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What do women and police cars have in common?

      They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Women
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?

      America.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the cannibal lion?

      He had to swallow his pride!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you play Iraqi bingo ?

      B-52...F-16...A-10.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why babies cry when they are born?

      Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?

      Don't worry, they'll let you know.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher to student "Why is every answer on your test 'Chuck Norris'?"

      Student to teacher "Chuck Norris is the answer to all problems!"

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

      They both like a tight seal.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a very small valentine?

      A valen-tiny!

      Tags:
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is horse racing so romantic?

      Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Money
      • Sport
      • Romance
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

      In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Sport
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of bravery?

      A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?

      Throw in your laundry.

      Tags:
      • Laundry
      • Epilepsy
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?

      Just say, "Fees."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

      "Why does it work?"

      What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

      "How does it work?"

      What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

      "How much will it cost?"

      What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

      "Do you want fries with that?"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an accountant with an opinion?

      An auditor.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl?

      Her-She Kisses.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Women
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers?

      1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles.

      2. Hunters always....shoot twice.

      3. Hunters love to...eat what they shoot!

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Women
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?

      The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?

      Both of them.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Men
      • Tax
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

      A slow poke.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • "Lisa, why are you so angry with me?"

      "Because I'm Christine."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?

      It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...

      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

      A blonde tried to shoot herself!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Two fish are sitting in a tank.

      One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Fish
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

      Tags:
      • Love
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, "Why is the grass always greener on the other side?"

      Everyone replied, "'Cause you aren't standing on it."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?

      With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?

      The optimist studies English.

      The pessimist studies Chinese.

      The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

      Boy: "Somebody else's pants."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?

      The elevator can raise a child.

      Tags:
      • NFL
      • Sport
      • Children
      • Football
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"

      "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Santa
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"

      "No, I'm still alive."

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store?

      The sign said "Wet Floor."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

      H2O cubed.

      Tags:
      • Winter
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?

      A Labracadabrador!

      00
      Permalink
    • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

      Depreciation.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • How does an LA policeman go fishing?

      He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

      "Where on Earth have you been?!"

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Family
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?

      Cause you have to hollow out it's head!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

      He was booked for a salt and battery.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do homeless accountants live?

      In a tax shelter.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

      Lazy.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Work
      • Money
      • Office
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?

      He got the sack.

      00
      Permalink
    • How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

      They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Women
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a woman different from a PC?

      A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2 inch floppy.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?"

      She said, "Nope, just found one!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a computer expert?

      A control-alt-elite.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Work
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does the witch not wear panties when flying?

      Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why bankers are good lovers?

      They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Love
      00
      Permalink
    • How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

      Ten-tickles.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How are men like bank accounts?

      Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Bank
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".

      The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?

      She charges an arm and a leg.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.

      The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Work
      • Telephone
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

      A rumor.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time?

      Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Time
      • Bible
      • Christian
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

      It was OK.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?

      So she could have shade when she swam across!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

      "A doctor?"

      "And why's that?"

      "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do farts smell?

      So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a leopard change its spots?

      When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"

      "My name is Paul."

      Tags:
      • Family
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?

      There's no place like 127.0.0.1!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?

      He thought it was a home delivery service.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      • Michael Jackson
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?

      Nothing, yet.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • "Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"

      "Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Lightbulb
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Scottish iPhone?

      An AyePhone.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?

      Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Politics
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till I hit the ground?

      The rest of your life...

      00
      Permalink
    • How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?

      Cause he was outstanding in his field.

      Tags:
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?

      Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      • Politics
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?

      A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?"

      She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"

      And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Food
      • Money
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the computer get cold?

      Because it forgot to close windows.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Health
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?

      A tiger has the mane part missing.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

      Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know what a plateau is?

      It's the highest form of flattery!

      00
      Permalink
    • "Have you got the address of the butter website?"

      "Yes, but don't spread it around."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Which Bible character had no parents?

      Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Bible
      • Family
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?

      It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • What's object-oriented way to become wealthy?

      Inheritance.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      00
      Permalink
    • How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet?

      You can't touch that toilet, it's art.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a skunk's philosophy of life?

      Eat, stink and be merry.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you find in a clean nose?

      Fingerprints!

      00
      Permalink
    • Why is divorce so costly?

      Because its justified, despite all the trouble.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?

      Yak the Ripper.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the perfect Father's Day gift?

      Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Holiday
      • Fathers day
      00
      Permalink
    • Are shellfish warm?

      No they re clammy.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when you honeymoon is over?

      When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

      Tags:
      • Holiday
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the longest word in the English language?

      Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the potato cross the road?

      He saw a fork up ahead.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?

      Because he was a commentator.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?

      The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Work
      • Accountant
      11
      Permalink
    • What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?

      It repeated on him.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?

      Hare today, gone tomorrow.

      Tags:
      • Magic
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the sharpest thing in the world?

      A Fart.

      It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

      Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?

      Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • School
      • Student
      00
      Permalink
    • Which month do soldiers hate most?

      March!

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?

      He wanted a balanced meal.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?

      Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

      The taxidermist only takes the skin.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the tadpole feel lonely?

      Because he was newt to the area.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical?

      They have strong internal controls.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay?

      "Brace yourself, Sheila."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?

      A forty-carrot wedding ring.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Wedding
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?

      Anything, just butter him up.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?

      He desperately wanted a scoop.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?

      A berry bubbly bunny.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?

      Tagliateddy.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at McDonald's?

      It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

      Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?

      The Captains Dinghy!

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What 80's rock band is banned from New Orleans and why?

      The Scorpions. Every time they're in town, they rock you like a hurricane.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Weather
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

      Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you describe an angry potato?

      Boiling Mad.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire?

      Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Programming
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

      There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Music
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?

      Net Present Value.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Santa
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

      They're hiring.

      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?

      Guilt gifts are nicer.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

      A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?

      It keeps them awake.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"

      Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?

      O2.zip

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?

      A total waste of space!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?

      After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a old snowman?

      Water.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

      To see what was on the other side.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?

      So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.

      Tags:
      • War
      • Navy
      00
      Permalink
    • Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...

      Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • "Wow, look at that! Isn't it beautiful? Let's destroy it."

      -People

      Tags:
      • War
      00
      Permalink
    • What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?

      Drizzle

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a penguin in the desert?

      Lost!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

      The lid said, "Twist to open."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are rabbits like calculators?

      They both multiply a lot.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do cows like to ride on trains?

      In the cow-boose.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

      Because they are tired of using their own.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What day does an Easter egg hate the most?

      Fry-days.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the cannibal expelled from school?

      Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?

      It was an inn-grown hare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the first word out of Adam's mouth when he first saw Eve?

      Whoa man! Thus, the word "woman" was created.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Bible
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?

      Two octopuses shaking hands.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a "successful hunting trip"?

      When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Beer
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a blonde spell farm?

      E-I-E-I-O

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

      He decided to stick it out for one more year!

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the plant in math class?

      It grew square roots.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of De-hydration?

      A cow giving milk powder.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?

      When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do liberals travel in threes?

      One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't cows ever have any money?

      Because the farmers milk them dry.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?

      The Lizard of Oz.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?

      One, any more and it would be too mainstream.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?

      I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an incestuous nephew?

      An aunt-eater.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?

      He wanted to raised stewed beef.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What gas do snails prefer?

      Shell.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?

      Glass flippers.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?

      He stung her into action.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

      Outlaws are wanted.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

      A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

      (Try saying that fast!)

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a tired cow?

      Milked out.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart.

      So everybody takes a big whiff.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?

      She sticks it in the microwave.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Students, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

      Class: "Brotherly love."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Animal
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Remember when we spent money like there was no tomorrow?

      Well, it's tomorrow.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?

      A dino-score.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Dinosaur
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?"

      And she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music?

      "Because he broke the record."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face?

      It will kick off your ladder...

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?

      She'll cream you.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of a pessimist?

      A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?

      A hip hopper.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the little bear so spoiled?

      Because its mother panda d to its every whim.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • You know that awesome feeling, when you finally understand math?

      Me neither.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?

      Theres no place like home ...

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"

      Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Divorce
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?

      One that never misses a period.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

      And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Money
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What are the most athletic rodents?

      Track and field mice.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do steers go to dance?

      To the Meat Ball.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a chameleon's motto?

      A change is as good as a rest.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?

      A chameleon on a tartan rug.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?

      He always said "Neigh"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the skunk angry?

      He was incensed.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do rabbits go after their wedding?

      On their bunnymoon.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Travel
      • Wedding
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?

      He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the definition of "derange"?

      De place where de cowboys ride.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Cowboy
      00
      Permalink
    • "Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?"

      "I can't help it, I'm hooked."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cow ride when his car is broken?

      A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?

      On squid row.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

      Nothing, you just run away.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?

      Jawbreakers.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?

      A harenet.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of cars do rabbits drive?

      Hop rods.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

      Two ways to cross a river.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?

      So oxygen can get into their brains.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

      Claws.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?

      Chocolate filled.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Celebrity
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother, "Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you'll get kids who will be very naughty to you!"

      Johnny, "Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, haven't you?"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?

      Tarzan stripes forever.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

      An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Science
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one math book say to the other math book?

      "I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?".

      "Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?

      Reptiles.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you go about hiring a horse?

      Try two pairs of stilts!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of money do polar bears use?

      Ice lolly.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?

      One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?

      They were very impressed.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?

      Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Fart
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?

      The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Animal
      • Air Force
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?

      Why, shortbread of course!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

      Exchange him.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What is Father Christmas's tax status?

      Elf-employed.

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Tax
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the first thing elves learn in school?

      The "elf"-abet!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fish with no eye?

      Fsh.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is there no gambling in Africa?

      -Too many Cheetahs!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?

      Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?

      He had to get a new goat.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.

      The bartender says, "Why the wrong face?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What does an octopus wear on a cold day?

      A coat of arms.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?

      A runny bunny.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Easter
      • Chocolate
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?

      He was always standing up on the job!

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

      A bird who knocks before delivering its message !

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Work
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What are the spots on black-and-white cows?

      Holstaines.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?

      Isaiah.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?

      Unique up on him.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...

      Get away from my nuts.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best advice to give a worm?

      Sleep late.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line?

      A drip dry skunk.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Which rabbit was in Western movies?

      Hopalong Cassidy.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?

      Alike did was stand around making faces.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off?

      I'll get you next slime.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

      When the cake jumps out of the girl!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?

      He's the Easter Bungee.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

      Look for gray hares.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?

      He didn't have the hare fare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?

      Half and half.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?

      Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?

      No, they do everything on porpoise.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?

      He prawned everything.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a poodle with no legs?

      A sponge.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a man call true love?

      An erection.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?

      A little bear.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer.

      I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, 'What's that, Broke Mac Mountain?'

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell she's a macho women?

      She rolls her own tampons.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?

      Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Beauty
      • Celebrity
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a cursor?

      Someone having computer problems.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

      HIGH-Definition.

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?

      Don't worry, It doesn't have a point!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?

      Her husband was a blonde too!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do men define a long-term relationship?

      A second date.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

      Mmmm, sandwiches!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house?

      The whole vibe was anything ghost.

      Tags:
      • Party
      • Halloween
      00
      Permalink
    • I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.

      Coincidence?

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?

      Threesomes.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?

      Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?

      He didn't have enough money tabaccer!

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?

      Because he had a stinking cold.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?

      Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson?

      He stank to the bottom of the pool.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do when two snails have a fight?

      Leave them to slug it out.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?

      Flipper coin.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Who held the baby octopus to ransom?

      Squidnappers.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dumb bunny?

      A hare brain.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?

      Lefty.

      Tags:
      • Shark
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?

      It lives on ice.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

      See ya next month.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Lesbian
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery?

      Because it gets you nowhere.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?

      The hero always gets his man in the end.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

      Wheeeee.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in?

      They had to pay the jockey overtime!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favourite car?

      Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."

      Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Nerd
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • In what way are Democrats more generous than Republicans?

      Unlike Republicans, Democrats are not only generous with their own money, but also with other people's money.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?

      Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?

      Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a skunk's favourite game in school?

      Show and smell.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Animal
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 lawyer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?

      Shoot the lawyer twice.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

      Forget-me-nuts.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • Guy comes up the hill, look up to the sky and yells, "God, I want to hear your opinion! Is Facebook harmful?"

      And response from heaven, "A moment, I just finish this status.."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Facebook
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

      A dino-snore!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?

      4Skin.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a smart blonde?

      Bigfoot, because they don't exist.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blanket say to the bed?

      Don't worry I've got you covered!

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes like blonde jokes?

      'Cause they make them feel famous!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you believe in love at first set?

      Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Activelaziness?

      Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?

      A Saddle Light Dish.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Food
      • Cowboy
      00
      Permalink
    • Too stupid to understand science?

      Try religion!

      00
      Permalink
    • First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?

      Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How much money did the bronco have?

      Only a buck!

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?

      Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

      A URLologist.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Doctor
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond?

      He had him newt-ered.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn?

      A Moles Royce.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

      For smoking in bed.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

      A stripey sweater.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?

      A tiger moth.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?

      Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films?

      He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?

      He fell in love with the Grand National winner!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Love
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man with five keen senses?

      He still lacked common and horse!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How are skunks able to avoid danger?

      By using their instinks and common scents.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the hopeless athlete?

      He ran a bath and came in second.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Athlete
      00
      Permalink
    • How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?

      They take a gallop poll!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?

      A harebrush.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favorite book?

      Hop on Pop.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favorite movie?

      Rabbits of the Lost Ark.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you weigh a whale?

      On Whale Weigh Scales.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's got 4 legs and bleeds?

      Half a spider!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the calf say to the silo?

      "Is my fodder in there?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?

      Hoe-Down.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • How is parsley like pubic hair?

      You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?

      Bunny and Clyde.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?

      No.

      Me neither.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do rabbits get to work?

      By rabbit transit.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when you re eating rabbit stew?

      When it has hares in it.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows get when they do all their chores?

      Mooney.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Who robs banks and squirts ink?

      Billy the Squid.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What's the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"

      "Alzheimer, granny!"

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?

      Deviled eggs.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a squid sheriff form?

      An octoposse.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's an octopuses favourite latin saying?

      Squid pro quo.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?

      A dumb bunny.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?

      It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?

      He was outstanding in his field.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the favourite flavour of sharks?

      Shark-o-late.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of sharks make good carpenters?

      Hammerheads.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead?

      Unsightly facial hare.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

      They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • What job do rabbits at hotels have?

      Bellhop.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?

      A dead wringer.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best type of ship?

      FRIENDSHIP!

      Tags:
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the man sued by his horse?

      For palomino-money!

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do elves greet each other?

      "Small world, isn't it?"

      Tags:
      • Elf
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?

      Yeah... now he has no ears.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Women
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?

      Her ears flap.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a black cat's favorite color?

      Purrrrrr-ple!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?

      In a pellet court!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he's been overpaid by £50.

      This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?

      Loch Jaws.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you fix a broken website?

      With stick e-tape.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

      Big Foot's been spotted several times.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the student eat his homework?

      Because his teacher said, it was a peace of cake.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

      I do.

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What concert costs only 45 cents?

      50cent featuring Nickelback.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?

      Because Santa had said, "No L!"

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Santa
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it hard for a blonde to count to 70?

      Because 69 is such a mouthful.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the red light say to the green light?

      Don't look I'm changing!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the spider do on the computer?

      Made a website!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't girls play hockey?

      Because their pads can't last three periods.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

      Full.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?

      Having two legs.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend's dad went to Hungary.

      I asked her, "Was your dad hungry in Hungary?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Food
      • Travel
      • Geography
      00
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    • Why don't lobsters share?

      They re shellfish.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?

      Dead Siri-ous.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you hire a horse?

      Put a brick under each hoof!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe?

      An e-mergency.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a man is aroused?

      He's breathing.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an owl magician? HOOOOOdini.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?

      Because it's a mane-lion station.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a show full of lions?

      The mane event.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How come there aren't that many jokes about Jim Jones?

      The punchlines are too long.

      Tags:
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

      The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

      00
      Permalink
    • What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?

      "Halo there!"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do hurricanes travel so fast?

      Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?

      He tried to stirrup some interest!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?

      Odour in court.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

      An elephant with diarrhea.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one skunk say to another?

      And so do you.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?

      Bullogna.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?

      She was charged with rustling!

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?

      Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Geography
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Nikki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?

      Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • "Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?"

      "I believe he's eating your lettuce."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a neurotic octopus?

      A crazy, mixed-up squid.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?

      Thistle have to do.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sleepy Easter egg?

      Egg-zosted!

      Tags:
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?

      An IN-body experience!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • How should you treat a baby goat?

      Like a kid.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Animal
      • Children
      00
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    • What has 4 legs and one arm?

      A Doberman in a children's playground!

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde speed on the highway?

      Because she thought the cars behind her where chasing her!!!!

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do polo bears like bald men?

      Because they have a great, white, bear place.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?

      Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the lion-tamer fined?

      He parked on a yellow lion.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a blonde order a root beer?

      Extra large, hold the roots.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do tigers wear in bed?

      Stripey pyjamas.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What are the hottest days during summer?

      Sun-days

      Tags:
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

      "Professional courtesy."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favorite musical?

      Hare.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?

      Haremail.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • When do rabbits have buck teeth?

      When their parents won't get them braces.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?

      When it's on the train.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor?

      Rabbit Hood.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast?

      How slime flies.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are rabbits never gold?

      How would you tell them apart from goldfish?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do snails get their shells all shiny?

      They use snail polish.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?

      It was won by a hare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?

      It had a lot of hare pins.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the rabbits go on strike?

      They wanted a better celery.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the dolphin feel crabby?

      Because he ate too many crabs.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?

      For hare care.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the cold jellyfish?

      It set.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What book did the rabbit take on vacation?

      One with a hoppy ending.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?

      A yeaster bunny.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Work
      • Animal
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an affectionate rabbit?

      A tender, loving hare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do sharks come from?

      Sharkago.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?

      A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret?

      He was a blubber mouth.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men have mid-life crises?

      They stay stuck in adolescence.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?

      Burgers and flies.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?

      A blonde going through a flashing red light.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a man and an ox?

      Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows read at the breakfast table?

      The moospaper.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the king of the pencil case?

      The ruler.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • "Why can't you play cards in the jungle?"

      "Because theres to many cheetahs."

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?

      Mistle-toes!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Athlete
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bunny's favorite music?

      Hip-hop.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

      Gonorrhea.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it?

      Major Bumsore.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a flying skunk?

      A smellicopter.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do you go if you become 'at one' with your computer?

      Nerdvana.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between cats and dogs?

      Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

      Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?

      simple

      it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."

      Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Women
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • When will scientists cure the common cold?

      Actually, they already did but Republican pharmacists won't dispense it because they mistook it for birth control.

      Tags:
      • Medical
      • Science
      • Birthday
      • Politics
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the shortest mathematicians joke?

      Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?

      A polo bear.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get from a cowmedian?

      Cream of Wit.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How does herpes leave the hospital?

      On crotches.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Fashion?

      Dhoti with a zip.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the important part of a horse?

      The mane part.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?

      Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?

      Cutting edge.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?

      Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cannibal eat with cheese?

      Pickled organs.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?

      It has 4 rabbits feet.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber?

      The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?

      He whale-d.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

      Rhesus Pieces.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?

      Don't know...its never been done.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men want to vote for a female President?

      Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Which day of the week do chickens hate most?

      Fry-day!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?

      A slippery customer.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • I know when god becomes angry.

      When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Teen
      00
      Permalink
    • In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

      With a crowbar.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?

      In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.

      He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT and in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God give women legs?

      So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

      One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does ET have such big eyes?

      He saw the phone bill.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bear's favourite drink?

      Koka-Koala.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?

      It hurts to boil their nipples!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How does an octopus go to war?

      Well-armed.

      Tags:
      • War
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?

      Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

      Your Honour.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

      Depth perception.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the shark became famous?

      He turned into a starfish.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts?

      Doctor: Well, stop doing it!

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?

      Because he made to many calls!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?

      After a week he was spotless.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

      Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

      It gets toad away.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a blonde to drown?

      Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when you kiss a canary?

      You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Animal
      • Health
      • Parrot
      00
      Permalink
    • What's green and sits in the corner?

      That same baby three weeks later.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?

      For people who don't drink.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?

      His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "How can you prove the Earth is round?"

      Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the gay French General?

      He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

      Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up?

      "Iraqi Army."

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • How much do I owe Yo' Mama?

      My dog came home happy last night.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • "What is the thickest book in the world?

      What Men Think They Know About Women."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • "What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.

      And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"

      Tags:
      • Love
      00
      Permalink
    • What has ten letters and starts with gas?

      An automobile.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Wanna party with me like you just don't care?

      Put your hand up 45° in the air!

      Tags:
      • Party
      • Hitler
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus?

      GarageBend.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Music
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?

      Potpourri.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Women
      • Lesbian
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?

      A real Christmas Card!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Christmas
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • No time for gym?

      Please tell me how you watch 3 hours of TV every night.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Time
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge?

      Cool music.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Music
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?

      Just a phew.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the slowest racehorse in the world?

      A clotheshorse.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

      Start off with a large fortune!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a buttress?

      A female goat.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane?

      A dandy lion.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the fiercest flower in the garden?

      The tiger lily.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • What is the noisiest game?

      Squash – because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur?

      A stinkasaurus.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell when a skunk is angry?

      It raises a stink.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • When should you feel sorry for a skunk?

      When its spray pump is out of order!.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • "May I buy half a rabbit?"

      "No, we don't split hares."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • The mouse and the elephant pas together over a bridge, very proud the mouse says:

      Do you hear how the bridge vibrates under OUR footsteps?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      00
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    • What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?

      A brown Probe!

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?

      He was a card shark.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?

      Rabbits habits.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?

      He got bombed.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny?

      Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What does an octopus take on a camping trip?

      Tentacles.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the math textbook so sad?

      He had a lot of problems!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

      Telling you his real name.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?

      Bear Jordan.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What leads most people into debt?

      Trying to catch up with people who are already there.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • He: So then, what's your sign?

      She: Dollar.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How big is a Republican-size bed?

      Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Insulting
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the fastest thing in the world?

      A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve.

      What's the second fastest thing in the world?

      The Indians running after it.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an easy-going rabbit?

      Hoppy-go-lucky.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the gray whale go on a diet?

      Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the 0 say to the 8?

      Nice belt!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • "I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me more than half year."

      "Are you stupid? It's a dream of every man."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
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    • What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?

      A blonde at a flashing red light!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How does the LAPD play poker?

      Four clubs beat a king.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men like smart women?

      Opposites attract.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated?

      "Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?

      A cancelled Czech!

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a smart blonde?

      There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Where are you going for vacation this year?

      I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't all the managers go into holiday at once?

      So people can't see that the company works without them..

      00
      Permalink
    • What did the mama bear say to her cub?

      "Don't go out in your bear feet!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

      Marry it.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?

      Egg-splosion

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a leprechaun and gonorrhea?

      One's a cunning runt.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back?

      They re always switching their tails.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Oh, you play racquetball?

      You must be extremely athletic.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Athlete
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't some teachers like to break wind in public?

      Because they're private tooters.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny: "Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

      Mother: "No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Christmas
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?

      No, you should do it on a computer.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Medical
      • Computer
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
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    • Teacher: "If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"

      Little Johnny: "A bad blatter issue."

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Food
      • Math
      • Health
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • What is height of Laziness?

      Adopting a child.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Children
      00
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    • What has four legs but can't walk?

      A chair.

      00
      Permalink
    • What famous painting do cows love to look at?

      The Moona Lisa.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Animal
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

      If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?

      Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • "How are your hemorrhoids?"

      "Swell."

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?

      I'll see you next period.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • They put one man on the moon.

      Why can't they put them all there?

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?

      Because he had a chip on his shoulder.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common?

      They both shower after three periods!

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before?

      Deja phew.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do women and Slinkies have in common?

      Not really too much, but you can't help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?

      He had it bronzed.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a pigeon and a tramp?

      The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

      Spring time.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a smart blonde?

      A Golden Retriever.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?

      Pizzeria!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men name their penises?

      Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do Danish cows come from?

      Cowpenhagenf.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?

      A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

      He was a rough rider!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the argumentative skunk?

      He always liked to make a stink.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?

      If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

      Lots of blood tests!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

      Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the teacher jump into the lake?

      Because she wanted to test the waters!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows like to listen to?

      Moo-sic.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows usually fly around in?

      Helicowpters and Bulloons.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • What do rabbits put in their computers?

      Hoppy disks.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when sharks take their clothes off?

      They go sharkers.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits?

      Wheelburrows.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?

      Shark absorbers.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?

      A hare dare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when a crab is drunk?

      It walks forwards.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?

      A harenet.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

      When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the whale like the diver?

      Because he had flippers.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of whale flies?

      Pilot whales.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

      Knock on the door.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?

      A hole-y Cow.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

      Tequila

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What do prisoners use to call each other?

      Cell phones.

      Tags:
      • Jail
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?

      Elkaseltzer.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the horse all charged up?

      It ate some haywire!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?

      A seahorse.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Scientists have for snacks?

      Micro-chips.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

      Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home?

      A search warren.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?

      This one will sleigh you.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a reindeer like a gossip?

      Because they are both tail bearers.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favorite TV show?

      Hoppy Days.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How is a police car like a women?

      It flashes and It usually has a dick in it.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the most famous shark?

      William Sharkspeare.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Barack propose to Michelle?

      He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Marriage
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • When is a lion not a lion?

      When he turns into his cage.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you lead a horse to water?

      With lots of carrots.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.

      He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

      Tags:
      • God
      00
      Permalink
    • What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?

      A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Idiot
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does an Irish family go on holiday?

      A different bar.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What's grosser than gross?

      A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

      Never enough.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?

      He controls himself.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the volcano say to the other volcano?

      Stop erupting me.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: "Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?"

      Doctor: "You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Man to friend: 'My wife's a peach.' Friend: 'Because she's so soft and juicy?'

      Man: 'No, because she has a heart of stone.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What's red and sits in a corner?

      A baby playing with a razor blade.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God create women?

      He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

      Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Game
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the basketball player go to jail?

      "Because he shot the ball!"

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Jail
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.

      If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?

      "First, YULE LOGon"!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Nerd
      • Computer
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?

      Hello, hello.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

      Because she blows the horn!

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a mouse's favorite record?

      Please cheese me!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds?

      A dinosaur with the hiccups.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of money do marsupials use?

      Pocket change!

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?

      He was in them.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do milking stools only have three legs?

      'Cause the cow's got the udder!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?

      Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Baby
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

      Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Time
      • Sport
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What king of money do fishermen make?

      Net profits!

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"

      "Shut up and eat your corn flakes."

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • "Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.

      "Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin?

      Pingu-Pong.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

      No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?

      A pip squeak.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

      A salad shooter.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street?

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a pin?

      It was OK.

      It was a safety pin.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a rooster and your mom?

      A rooster says cockadoodledoo, Your mom says anycockledoo.

      Tags:
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rabbits favorite song?

      "Hoppy Birthday to You."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?

      They're both brown, except the snowball.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do most men define marriage?

      A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you calculate the population of Russia?

      You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"

      Boy: "Not a bit!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

      She kept having affairs with men!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lesbian
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the frog go to the mall?

      Because he wanted to go hopping.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street?

      He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn't spell Acacia.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What's black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?

      A Dobermann pinscher.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

      Lipstick.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

      Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

      "Is it mine?"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't lawyers enjoy fishing?

      Because it's too much like work, what with all the lying involved.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a shame and a pity?

      If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that's a pity.

      If there were any empty seats – that's a shame.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?

      Win the Lottery.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often?

      They always hit and run.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?

      They're both out looking for a tight seal.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole?

      You swerve to miss a pothole!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the music teacher need a ladder for?

      To reach the top notes.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of car does a rabbit drive?

      A furrari.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What would a computer geek is going to do after seeing a beautiful woman?

      "Immediately start downloading it."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Women
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What do gays call hemorrhoids ?

      Speed bumps.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you join the police?

      Handcuff them together.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the policeman carry a pencil and a piece of very thin paper?

      He wanted to trace someone.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

      You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why's a fat woman like a skateboard?

      They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos?

      Czechs and stripes don't mix.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?

      Marriage.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?

      Warren.

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      • Animal
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    • Where do polar bears vote?

      The North Poll.

      Tags:
      • Animal
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    • How are tigers like sergeants in the army?

      They both wear stripes.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Military
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    • What do computers eat when they get hungry?

      "Chips."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      00
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    • What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

      A battery has a positive side.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did god make beer?

      So the Irish would not take over the world.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
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    • Where do fish keep their money?

      In a river bank!

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • How is a man like a microwave oven?

      Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.

      Tags:
      • Men
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    • How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

      Make him wear shoes.

      Tags:
      • Men
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    • Why beer goes through your system so fast?

      Because it does not have to stop to change color.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
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    • What do you give a cat for its birthday?

      A catalog.

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?

      Ten-ish.

      Tags:
      • Sport
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    • Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?

      Both are food from aloft!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Heaven
      00
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    • What's the difference between goats and women??

      Goats are always horney.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Animal
      00
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    • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

      For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Dog
      • Men
      • Women
      • Marriage
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    • Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?

      Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
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    • What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

      After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is a teacher's favorite kind of music?

      Class-ical.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
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    • I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

      I said, "Are you two an item?"

      00
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    • What's an Athlon at 1,2 GHz processor that runs for 9 minutes without a cooler called?

      8.5 minutes burned processor.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
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    • What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?

      Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Wife
      • Animal
      • Marriage
      00
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    • What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

      A whine and cheese party.

      Tags:
      • Women
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    • Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

      When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
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    • When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.

      When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Marriage
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    • What is the thinnest book in the world?

      "What men know about women."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
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    • What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?

      A whopper with cheese.

      Tags:
      • Women
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    • How can you tell when a man is well hung?

      When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

      Tags:
      • Men
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    • Fed up with your computer winning at chess?

      Try it at kick-boxing instead!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde with a brain?

      A golden retriever.

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      • Blonde
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    • How do you know you're flying over the poorer part of town?

      You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

      They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
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    • What do ducks wear to party's?

      A duck-sedo!

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      • Duck
      • Party
      • Animal
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    • What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

      His wife is good at picking out clothes.

      Tags:
      • Men
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    • The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

      Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
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    • How did the blonde die drinking milk?

      The cow fell on her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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      Permalink
    • Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

      To stop the snoring before it starts.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Animal
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    • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

      So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
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    • What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • How does a blonde commit suicide?

      She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?

      An animal that puts you out at night.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • What's a blonde's favourite wine?

      "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Wine
      • Blonde
      • Travel
      • Geography
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    • What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

      De-calf-i-nated.

      Tags:
      • Animal
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    • What has a head, a tail, and no body?

      A coin!

      00
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    • A blonde was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?"

      And the blonde replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Husband
      00
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    • Why are tigers religious?

      Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is money called dough?

      Because we all knead it.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?

      The torturer would apologize first.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
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    • What do you if you're trapped inside a whale?

      Run round and round till you're all pooped out!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

      Only one if you run him through slowly!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • How do you guess a blonde played at you're computer?

      The joystick is on the chair.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do lawyers wear to court?

      Lawsuits!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • What's the difference between a badger and a TV?

      A lot.

      00
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    • Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails?

      She was always using fowl language.

      Tags:
      • Language
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    • How do really posh dogs send messages?

      By predigree-mail.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?

      To see who shot his "paw."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?

      Woofleball

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why is a dog scared of a fire?

      It doesn't want to become a hot dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise?

      A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?

      Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird?

      A Doberman fincher!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?

      Yankee poodle!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints?

      With a track-tor!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How can if you have a stupid dog?

      It chases parked cars!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around?

      They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of modeling clay does a dog use?

      Fi-Do!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How many hairs are in a dog's tail?

      None.

      They are all on the outside.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Where will a springer spaniel never shop?

      At a flea market!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is your dog's favorite breakfast?

      Pooched eggs!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How do you make a dog float?

      Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play?

      A trombone.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner?

      Have a short table!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water?

      A hot-weiler!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you make a basset hound fast?

      Take away its food!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dogs never get lost?

      Newfound-lands!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs?

      Only when they snap at something!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog always gets on everyone's nerves?

      A great pane!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?

      A complaint Bernard!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of dog is the smartest?

      A great brain!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog would you want on your American football team?

      A golden receiver!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • America
      00
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    • How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?

      Terrier-fied!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?

      A docs-hund!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?

      A Lassie who plays brassie!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection?

      A pointer!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather?

      A faint Bernard!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant?

      A tusky!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?

      Labs!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of dog can tell time?

      A clockshund!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of dog always needs a shave?

      A bearded collie!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair?

      A bald beagle!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of dog is the most colorful?

      A paint Bernard!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog is always tired in London?

      An English sleep dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a collie puppy's favorite toy?

      A chew-chew train!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Train
      00
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    • What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?

      A glowberman pinscher!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball?

      The Philadelphia Beagles!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of?

      A Doberman puncher!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?

      A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?

      A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake?

      To a weterinarian!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?

      Get a small hankie!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua?

      Shorts!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons?

      They're short of breath!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

      Look out for the mice!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks?

      Because their heads are so close to their bodies!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?

      It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers?

      They have short tales!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk?

      A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Vacation
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    • Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua?

      It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?

      A short one!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport?

      Miniature golf!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?

      Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Chihuahua play basketball with?

      A tennis ball!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?

      Lap-top!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

      With dog diskettes!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard?

      They're all paws.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What kind of dog is a person's best friend?

      A palmatian!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you call a boring dog?

      A dull-mation!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian?

      A spot-weiler!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?

      He puts down the three and carries the one.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?

      I'd rather have him chase the tiger.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the mother flea so unhappy?

      All her children had gone to the dogs.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Children
      00
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    • Why is a dog so warm in Summer?

      He wears a coat and pants.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does a d dog scratch himself?

      He is the only one that knows where it itches.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?

      One good turn deserves another.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?

      Because the captain stood on the deck.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?

      He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Children
      00
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    • Why did the dog sleep so poorly?

      By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why did the dog say he was an actor?

      His leg was in a cast.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why did the dog run in circles?

      He was a watchdog and needed winding.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape?

      He was colour-blind.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Which dog looks like a cat?

      A police dog in disguise.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Dog
      00
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    • Which dog is always without a tail?

      A hot dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Which dog can tell time?

      A watchdog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do you usually find dogs?

      It all depends on where you lose them.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?

      Take the words right out of his mouth.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • When is a dog most impolite?

      When he points.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

      A puppy.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the dog doing on the turnpike?

      About seven miles an hour.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?

      You should know more than your dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you do if you see a vicious dog?

      Hope he doesn't see you.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

      A retail store.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?

      If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?

      The umbrella can be shut up.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?

      A dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is black and white and red all over?

      A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour?

      A double crosser.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What is a baseball dog?

      One that chases fowls.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet?

      A thousand dogs.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon?

      He wasn't able to stir.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine?

      He made a spectacle of himself.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the dog say when he chased his tail?

      This is the end.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What did the dog say to the pig?

      You are just a bore.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?

      The wrong answer.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What did the dog do with the history professor?

      They got together and talked over old times.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Professor
      00
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    • What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him?

      Bit him, naturally.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?

      Put him in your back yard.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the dog make gold soup?

      He put in 24 carrots.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?

      He used a skeleton key.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Cemetery
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?

      Delighted.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell a dog from an elephant?

      The elephant remembers.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods?

      Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do dogs run in circles?

      Because its hard to run in squares!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?

      Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?

      A shaggy dogs tale!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?

      Melon-collie!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?

      Slush puppies!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?

      A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Frog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?

      Hush puppies!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?

      A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler?

      A computer with a lot of bites!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?

      He gets splinters in his mouth!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?

      Dingo Starr!

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    • What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?

      A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!

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      • Blindness
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    • When is a black dog not a black dog?

      When it's a greyhound!

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      • Dog
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    • What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?

      A mutt in a rut!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?

      Cats can't drive!

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      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

      The collie wobbles!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?

      A plain clothes police dog!

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      • Dog
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    • What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?

      A guard dog!

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      • Dog
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    • What kind of dog chases anything red?

      A bull dog!

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      • Dog
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    • How do you stop a dog smelling?

      Put a peg on it's nose!

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      • Dog
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    • Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?

      Because they mess up the whole house!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • How many seasons are there in a dogs life?

      Just one, the moulting season!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What's a dog favourite hobby?

      Collecting fleas!

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      • Dog
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    • What is a dogs favourite flower?

      Anything in your garden!

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      • Dog
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    • What is a dog's favourite food?

      Anything that is on your plate!

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      • Dog
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    • What is a dog's favourite sport?

      Formula 1 drooling!

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      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a hyena?

      I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

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      • Dog
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    • What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?

      A sausage dog!

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      • Dog
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    • When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?

      When the door is open!

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      • Dog
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    • Where do Eskimos train their dogs?

      In the mush room!

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      • Dog
      • Train
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    • What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?

      An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

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      • Dog
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    • Why did the dog wear white sneakers?

      Because his boots were at the menders!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?

      A jet setter!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

      He stole the show!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?

      Because you can't bury them in trees!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?

      His bark was much worse than it's bite!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why do dogs wag their tails?

      "Because no one else will do it for them!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?

      "I must throw that doggie out the window!

      "!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

      He was trying to make both ends meet!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

      A collie-flower!

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      • Dog
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    • What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?

      Chump chops!

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      • Dog
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    • What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?

      A Great Dane out!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?

      "Well, doggone!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Who is the dogs favourite comedian?

      Growlcho Marx!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What is the dogs favourite city?

      New Yorkie!

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      • Dog
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    • What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?

      A dingo-ling!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you call a happy Lassie?

      A jolly collie!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Where did the dog breeder keep his savings?

      In bark-lays bank!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why does a dog wag it's tail?

      - No one else will do it for them

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What side of the dog has the most fur?

      - The Outside.

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      • Dog
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    • What goes "krab, krab, krab"?

      - A dog barking in a mirror.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

      - RUFF!

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What kind of dog does a dracula like?

      - A Bloodhound.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog?

      - So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

      - It stole the show!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?

      - When the door is open.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face?

      - Because it's the scenter.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What do you say to a dog before he eats?

      - Bone appetite!

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      • Dog
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    • How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car?

      - Put him in the front seat.

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      • Dog
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    • How did bulldogs get such flat noses?

      - From chasing cars.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?

      - Because you can't bury them in the sky!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?

      - Anytime he wants to go.

      Tags:
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    • "Why are you so excited?

      ", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

      "But doc, this is my first operation."

      "Really?

      It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."

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    • Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

      Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

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    • Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?

      When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

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      • Lawyer
      • Divorce
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    • What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

      They are four ways you can lose your house!

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      • Divorce
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    • Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

      When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

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      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why is a blonde like Australia?

      They're both down under, and no one cares.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"

      "No, I just lie there."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?

      It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

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    • What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

      Almond Joy candy bar

      Tags:
      • Fat
      00
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    • How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?

      Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

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      • Toilet
      00
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    • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

      So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig?

      Jurassic pork!

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    • What dinosaur loves pancakes?

      A tri-syrup-tops.

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    • What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?

      Stegosaur-rust!

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      • Dinosaur
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    • What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?

      Bronco-saurus!

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      • Dinosaur
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    • What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night?

      Bronto-snore-us!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What followed the dinosaur?

      It's tail!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?

      A dinosnore!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • What's red on the outside and green on the inside?

      A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • Why do dinosaurs wear glasses?

      To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.

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    • Why do dinosaurs climb trees?

      There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.

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    • Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons?

      They outgrew their leotards.

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      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • Why does a dinosaur climb a tree?

      To get in his nest.

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    • Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?

      That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.

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    • Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs?

      To give the ants a chance.

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    • Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force?

      They can't hide behind billboards.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes?

      To carry his library card.

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      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?

      Because he is a meat eater!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?

      Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.

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      • Dinosaur
      • Blindness
      00
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    • What do you call a Blind Dinosaur?

      Do-ya-think-he-saurus.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      • Blindness
      00
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    • What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?

      Dino-mite.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors?

      Because she had no guts!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?

      A Dinosaucer

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      • Dinosaur
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    • "Did you get your money?"

      ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient's home.

      "Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"

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    • "Papa, why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors?"

      "Because they are drawing-rooms, my son."

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Patient: "Do you extract teeth painlessly?"

      Dentist: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist"

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?"

      Mabel: "Yes, the dentist."

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    • What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?

      Having your dentist tell you.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Young lady to father "Daddy, when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father?"

      "We have only one heart, but 32 teeth!"

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      • Dentist
      00
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    • What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?...

      A month later he was picking his teeth

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What do you call a dentist in the army?

      A drill sergeant!

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What do you call the Scottish dentist?

      Phil McCavity!

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What is a dentist's office?

      A filling station.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Why do people dislike going to the dentist?

      Because he is boring.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Why do dentists like potatoes?

      Because they are so filling.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Why does a dentist seem moody?

      Because he always looks down in the mouth.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What did the dentist say to the golfer?

      "You have a hole in one. "

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • At what time do most people go to the dentist?

      At tooth-hurty (2:30).

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth?

      Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.

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      • Dentist
      00
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    • Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

      Dracula's dentist.

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      • Dentist
      00
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    • Why are you laughing?

      My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out.

      I don't see much to laugh about in that.

      But it was the wrong one!

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      • Dentist
      00
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    • What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out?

      The dentist.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Why was the dentist's date with the manicurist a disaster?

      Because they fought both tooth and nail!

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • "Do you believe in life after death?"

      the boss asked one of his employees.

      "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

      "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

      "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      00
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    • Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral?

      They just loosen the Earth and you sink down by yourself.

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      00
      Permalink
    • What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies?

      A dead cat.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Which dance will a chicken not do?

      The foxtrot!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • Why don't dogs make good dancers?

      Because they have two left feet!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car - who is driving it?

      A police officer!

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      • Police
      00
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    • Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?

      Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.

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      • Twin
      00
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    • Why was the robber bionic?

      He was holding up a bank.

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      • Bank
      00
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    • Where do cowboys cook their meals?

      On the range.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school?

      The deputy head!

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Why did the cowboy's car stop?

      It had Injun (engine) trouble.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?

      Because he rode the range.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?

      He was always horsing around.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
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    • What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?

      Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

      Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
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    • What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?

      Hoppalong Cassidy.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?

      Skint Eastwood.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?

      Gimme a slug of whiskey.

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      • Cowboy
      00
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    • What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?

      Pre-tanned leather.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why do cows like being told jokes?

      Because they like being amoosed!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • What's the best way to make a bull sweat?

      Put him in a tight jumper!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?

      Plenty of milk!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?

      He was too much of a bully!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why was the calf afraid?

      He was a cow-herd!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why don't cows ever have any money?

      Because the farmers milk them dry!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?

      It wants to keep it's Stockholm!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why do cows think cooks are mean?

      They whip cream!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?

      He wanted her to hit the hay!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?

      He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!

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      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
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    • Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?

      He wanted to raised stewed beef!

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      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
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    • Why did the cow jump over the moon?

      To get to the Milky Way!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?

      She thought children should be seen and not herded!

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      • Children
      00
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    • Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?

      She heard he was a cowpuncher!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?

      She was pasteurized!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • Why are cows made for dancing?

      They're all born hoofers!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Where does a cow stop to drink?

      The milky way!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Where do steers go to dance?

      To the Meat Ball!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Where do Russian cows come from?

      Moscow!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Where do milk shakes come from?

      Nervous cows!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Where do Danish cows come from?

      Cowpenhagenf

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      • Cow
      00
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    • Where do cows like to ride on trains?

      In the cow-boose.

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      • Cow
      00
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    • Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?

      To the calf-ateria!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?

      In his beef case!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • When is a farmer like a magician?

      When he turns his cow into pasture.

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      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
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    • When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head?

      Steer phones!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?

      A cud thud!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for grazing school?

      Grass class!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?

      A bull pull!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?

      A full bull!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?

      A dear steer!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?

      A merry dairy!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner?

      Cow chow!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?

      A nerd herd!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What's a cow's favorite moosical note?

      Beef-flat!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit?

      Hare in your milk!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What US state has the most cows?

      Moosouri!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?

      Your calves!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • What South American dance do cows like to do?

      The Rump-a

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      • Cow
      • America
      00
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    • What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?

      Cowboom!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What newspaper do cows read?

      The Daily Moos.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand?

      Cows-mopolitan!

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      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?

      Eski-moos!

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      • Cow
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    • What is the most important use for cowhide?

      To hold the cow together.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What is the golden rule for cows?

      Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What is the definition of "moon"?

      The past tense of "moo"!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What is the definition of "derange"?

      De place where de cowboys ride!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?

      A tail pail!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?

      Filet delay!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer?

      A woolly bully!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?

      A charmer farmer!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher?

      Ground round!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?

      A cattle battle!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?

      Bullogna

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?

      Udder chaos!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when a cow stops shaving?

      It grows a Moostache.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the lost cattle?

      Nobody's herd.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What hair style is a calf's favorite?

      The cowlick!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What goes oo ooo oooo?

      A cow with no lips.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What gives milk and has a horn?

      A milk tank!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What game do little cows like to play?

      Moonopoly.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What famous painting do cows love to look at?

      The Moona Lisa!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cow like to do by a campfire?

      Roast Moosmallows!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?

      A kangamoo!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight?

      Sir Loin!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?

      A cowch potato!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?

      A bad mood!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?

      A cockerpoodlemoo!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get from pampered cows?

      Spoiled milk!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get from an invisible cow?

      Evaporated milk!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get from a short-legged cow?

      Dragon milk!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you get from a forgetful cow?

      Milk of amnesia!

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      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?

      A steak-out!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?

      Steer Wars.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call explosive cow vomit?

      A cud missile!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?

      An encownter group.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?

      A lawn moo-er.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?

      De-calfinated!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that was shot by a tank?

      A hole-y Cow!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?

      A milk dud!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a tired cow?

      Milked out!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sleeping bull?

      A bull-dozer.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?

      The first herd shot round the world!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call a cow with no front legs?

      Lean Beef

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?

      A bullfighter!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?

      Ground Beef

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat?

      Shipped beef!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?

      Moo moos

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do cows usually fly around in?

      Helicowpters and Bulloons.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?

      "Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo"

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows read at the breakfast table?

      The moospaper!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows like to listen to?

      Moo-sic!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?

      Ride on the roller cowster.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows get when they do all their chores?

      Mooney.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows get when they are sick?

      Hay Fever

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows do when they're introduced?

      They give each other a milk shake!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cows do for entertainment?

      They go to the mooooovies.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do cows call Frank Sinatra?

      Old Moo Eyes!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass?

      "Hey!

      Look at the cow's nest!"

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the cow wear to the football game?

      A Jersey.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one dairy cow say to another?

      Got milk?

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What country do cows love to visit?

      Moo Zealand!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What band is a cow favorite?

      Moody Blues

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What are the spots on black-and-white cows?

      Holstaines

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What are cows favorite party games?

      MOO-sical chairs!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What animals do you bring to bed?

      Your calves.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk!

      But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Is there big money in the cattle business?

      So I've herd!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • In what state will you find the most cows?

      Moo York!

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      • Cow
      • New York
      00
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    • If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?

      She'll cream you!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get?

      Milk and quackers!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get?

      "Beeflt!"

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?

      Half and half!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Goat
      00
      Permalink
    • How to you know that cows will be in heaven?

      It's a place of udder delight.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • How do you make a milkshake?

      Give a cow a pogo stick.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • How do bulls drive their cars?

      They steer them!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?

      A Moosician!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the calf's final exam turn out?

      Grade A!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Veal
      00
      Permalink
    • How did that bullfight come out?

      Oh, it was a toss-up!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?

      They were very impressed!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?

      No, only medium rare!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the snobby cow?

      She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?

      No!

      Did he hurt the cows?

      No, he just grazed them!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an American student and an English student?

      About 3000 miles!

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?

      By opening the car door.

      Tags:
      • New York
      00
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    • How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

      One.

      But he gets three hours credit.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?

      Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

      "Good morning, Bill."

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"

      86% replied, "Not again"

      Tags:
      • America
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

      The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?

      I did not have textual relations with that woman.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

      Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

      The United States of America!

      Tags:
      • United States
      00
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    • What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

      "Looks like rein dear"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

      You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?

      Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?

      It's true....Comet cleans sinks!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it so cold at Christmas?

      It's in Decembrrrrr.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

      Santa Clues.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

      "I don't like sprouts!"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • "Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?"

      "He said it was too tight."

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

      It was wound up already.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

      Forty feet of track - all straight!

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

      The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Santa Claus take pictures?

      With his North Pole-aroid.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Santa say when he is sick?

      OH OH NO!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the cow's holiday greeting?

      Mooooory Christmas!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

      "Rude"olph

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys?

      Santa's little Elvis.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

      Fleece Navidad!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

      Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What nationality is Santa Claus?

      North Polish.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • What can Santa give away and still keep?

      A cold.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?

      Best vicious of the season

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Father Christmas call his money?

      Iced lolly?

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

      Santa Jaws!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How long does it take to burn a candle down?

      About a wick!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?

      Jungle bells.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Christmas called in England?

      Yule Britannia!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?

      Because he didn't want to be recognised!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What game do reindeer play in their stalls?

      Stable-tennis!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who delivers elephants's Christmas presents?

      Elephanta Claus!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who delivers cat's Christmas presents?

      Santa Paws!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • A rabbit's favourite Christmas song?

      'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • A football supporter's favourite Christmas song?

      'Yule never walk alone'

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?

      'Oh comb all ye faithful'

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?

      Mean-opoly.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment?

      A phantomime!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?

      Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?

      They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?

      He had no body to go with!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?

      Fancy a bite?

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?

      It was a scream!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?

      Chick to chick!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Christmas ball?

      It was a moth ball!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?

      Stacks!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?

      Black mail!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

      Santa Claustrophobia!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

      The letter "D"!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?

      No-eyed-deer!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match?

      Because they're both stopped by the rein.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a slow reindeer fast?

      Don't feed it!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?

      Tired arms!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How to cats greet each other at Christmas?

      "A furry merry Christmas and Happy mew year"!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the stupid turkey?

      It was looking forward to Christmas!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?

      Grave-y!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?

      Your teeth!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What bird has wings but cannot fly?

      Roast turkey!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who is never hungry at Christmas?

      The turkey - he's always stuffed!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?

      My pop is bigger than yours!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?

      Because they soot him!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?

      Santa pause!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?

      Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?

      Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?

      Santapplause!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

      Santa Clues!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens to you at Christmas?

      Yule be happy!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you give a train driver for Christmas?

      Platform shoes!

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?

      Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?

      He wanted to see a butterfly.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window?

      He wanted to see a waterfall.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted?

      Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Daughter
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • 'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home.

      Shall I give him Grandma?'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog?

      He was dense and wet!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?

      'Quick,' said one, 'run!

      Before they say we did it!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the matter son?

      The boy next door said I look just like you?

      What did you say?

      Nothing he's bigger than me!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus?

      He ended up in a flea circus!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test?

      Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?

      Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the lightning bug unhappy?

      Because her children were not very bright.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?

      An a-cat-emy award.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

      Because of the tree bark.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What is an octopus?

      An eight-sided cat.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall?

      A good jumpurr!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a black cat's favourite TV show?

      Miami Mice!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?

      A posse cat!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What did the black cat say to the fish?

      I've got a bone to pick with you!

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    • Why do black cats never shave?

      Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!

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    • When is it unlucky to see a black cat?

      When your a mouse!

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      • Cat
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    • Why did the cat sleep under the car?

      Because she wanted to wake up oily!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?

      There was some money in the kitty!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

      Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?

      He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

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      • Cat
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    • What does a cat call a bowl of mice?

      A purrfect meal!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What do you call a cat wearing shoes?

      Puss in boots!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?

      An acrocat!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?

      Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • On what should you mount a statue of your cat?

      A caterpillar!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What do cats read in the morning?

      Mewspapers!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Why do cats chase birds?

      For a lark!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What kind of cat should you take into the desert?

      A first aid kitty!

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      • Cat
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    • Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?

      They are both ginger nuts!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why do tomcats fight?

      Because they like raising a stink!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?

      A catameringue!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?

      They never cry over spilt milk!

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      • Cat
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    • What is cleverer than a talking cat?

      A spelling bee!

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      • Cat
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    • What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?

      A sourpuss!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Who was the most powerful cat in China?

      Chairman Miaow!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why did the cat join the Red Cross?

      Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?

      An octopuss!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?

      A catastrophe!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • How is cat food sold?

      Usually purr can!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What is the cat's favourite TV show?

      The evening mews!

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      • Cat
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    • How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?

      She's got that down in the mouth look!

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      • Cat
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    • How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?

      He has cat-arrh!

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      • Cat
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    • What did the cat say when he lost all his money?

      I'm paw!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?

      She had mittens!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

      - Catsup!

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      • Clock
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    • What do you call it when a cat stops?

      - A paws!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?

      - Because she wanted to mail a litter.

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • How do cats buy things?

      - From a cat-alogue!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What kind of cats lay around the house?

      - Car-pets!

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      • Cat
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    • What kind of work does a weak cat do?

      - Light mouse work.

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What's a cat's second favorite food?

      - Spa-catti!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What's a cat's favorite food?

      - Petatoes!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

      - Catch.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?

      - A first-aid kit!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call a cat who eats lemons?

      - A sourpuss!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Why does everyone love cats?

      - They're purr-fect!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Where do cats write down notes?

      - Scratch Paper!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What's every cat's favorite song?

      - Three Blind Mice!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

      - It's meow-sic to their ears!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call it when a cat bites?

      - Catnip!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do cats like to eat on a hot day?

      - Mice cream

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?

      - Claude

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train?

      A laplander!

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
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    • What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

      One minds the train, the other trains the mind.

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Engineer
      00
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    • What driver doesn't have a license?

      A screw driver.

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    • If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?

      There is no smoke from an electric train!

      Tags:
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    • Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?

      Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough

      Tags:
      • Winter
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    • Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car?

      Because she'd never be able to learn the language

      Tags:
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      • Language
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    • Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab?

      He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!"

      Tags:
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      • New York
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    • Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?

      Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.

      Tags:
      • Police
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    • Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?

      Motorist: The light just turned yellow.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?

      Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?

      Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly?

      Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going?

      Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing?

      Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren?

      Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you?

      Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?

      A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that toffee" and a train says, "Choo, choo."

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
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    • What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

      One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
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    • Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along?

      They only run a skeleton service.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
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    • What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph?

      A witch in a high speed train.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
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    • What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?

      Oh good!

      A chew chew train!

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?

      Because business was very light.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?

      If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory?

      You can hear a cough drop.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Medicine
      00
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    • Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?

      It's for people who can't swim!

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • What business is King Kong in?

      Monkey business.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the doughnut maker retire?

      He was fed up with the hole business.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

      As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you.

      Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Business
      • Daughter
      00
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    • Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

      From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?

      He went down really well!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why was the cannibal looking peeky?

      Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
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    • What do sick cannibals have for breakfast?

      Vitamin bills!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra?

      Because he's always coming back!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?

      He gives them runs!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast?

      Weedie Bix!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • What's the definition of a cannibal?

      Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?

      'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Boyfriend
      00
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    • When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot.

      The cannibal turned to his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'

      Tags:
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    • What is the cannibals' favorite game?

      Swallow my Leader.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter?

      It sure gave them something to chew over.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?

      Because they're headcases.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • What is a cannibal's favorite food?

      Baked Beings.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?

      It repeated on him.

      Tags:
      • Clock
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?

      They had a feast of fun.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school?

      I wouldn't fit through the door.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?

      The deceased!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • What "bus" crossed the ocean?

      Columbus.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

      One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you seen the bus website?

      Yes - it's just the ticket!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?

      I should say not, on my salary!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Does this bus stop at the river?

      If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself?

      Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • Why did the bus stop?

      Because it saw the zebra crossing.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?

      I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?

      Throw it under a bus.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

      A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?

      Because he was skint.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?

      I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • What do monsters play when they are in the bus?

      Squash.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April?

      One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

      Tags:
      • President
      00
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    • Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?

      Because hot dogs are the wurst!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Who can beat any burger at golf?

      Any LINKS sausage!

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a burger go on vacation?

      The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!

      Tags:
      • Vacation
      00
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    • What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?

      'Hot dog!'

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time?

      They chew the fat.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?

      Boy: Because he read the label, and it said 'shake well before using.'

      Tags:
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?

      She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?

      She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

      "Today children, we will learn our ABC's"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Children
      00
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    • Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?

      Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why don't blonde's like audio-books?

      There aren't any pictures.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How do you drown a blonde?

      When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

      It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How many blonde jokes are there?

      One - the rest are all true.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?

      She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?

      She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How does a blonde high-5?

      She smacks herself in the forehead.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?

      All you can eat, under a buck.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?

      Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you kill a blonde?

      Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom?

      While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a blonde's favourite wine?

      "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?

      She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't blondes make Kool Aid?

      Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?

      The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."

      Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."

      The other said, "Suicide blonde?

      What's that?"

      The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

      The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you plant dope?

      Bury a blonde.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

      They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

      It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?

      No make-up.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an eternity?

      Four Blondes at a four way stop.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?

      From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

      "Look!

      They spelled MACY's wrong!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

      It finally dawned on her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

      The rest are hunt'n peckers.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?

      So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the blonde burn her nose?

      Bobbing for french fries.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is every blonde's ambition in life?

      To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Alphabet
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?

      She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Hear about the blonde explorer?

      She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?

      "Just flush it like everybody else does."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

      She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

      That's where you wash all your vegetables!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?

      She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?

      None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

      Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are blondes like corn flakes?

      Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

      They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

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    • Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?

      They went to see "Closed for Winter".

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      • Blonde
      • Winter
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    • Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

      Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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      • Blonde
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    • What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?

      Far-from-thinkin

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      • Blonde
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    • Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours?

      Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!

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      • Blonde
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    • What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

      A blonde parade!

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      • Blonde
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    • Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back?

      She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

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      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear?

      A wind tunnel!

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      • Blonde
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    • What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes?

      A mental block!

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      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?

      They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

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      • Blonde
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    • Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook?

      She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!

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      • Blonde
      00
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    • Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer?

      She fell in the sink!

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      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde burn her ear?

      The phone rang while she was ironing!

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      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?

      One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.

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    • Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake?

      The candles melted in the oven.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?

      He heard they were having upside-down cake!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday?

      He's trying to age disgracefully!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?

      I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?

      Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • What do you always get on your birthday?

      Another year older!

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      • Birthday
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    • Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?

      Because it was marble cake!

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      • Birthday
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    • Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

      Because people kept toasting him!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"

      "No, only babies."

      Tags:
      • Birth
      • Birthday
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    • When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?

      When it's been sliced.

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      • Golf
      • Birthday
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    • What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?

      Mice cream and cake!

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      • Cat
      • Birthday
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    • What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?

      A birthday pheasant!

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake?

      Shortcake!

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      • Birthday
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    • What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?

      Angel food cake, of course!

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      • Birthday
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    • Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?

      He was celebrating his girthday!

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      • Fat
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    • Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?

      It was a tappy one!

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      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?

      Because he always slobbers out the candles!

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      • Dog
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the tree's birthday?

      It was a sappy one!

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      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the flag's birthday?

      It was a Happy one!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • "Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"

      "Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."

      "What thing is that?"

      "Nothing!"

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Shopping
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    • What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?

      "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

      I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?

      He wanted to have a birthday potty!

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      • Toilet
      • Birthday
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    • Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

      In a cat-alogue!

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      • Cat
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap?

      It was a birthday present from his wife!

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      • Birthday
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    • Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?

      The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer?

      Because you said it was pound cake!

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      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?

      "Hi, Buster."

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?

      A stole.

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      • Birthday
      00
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    • What's the greatest birthday present?

      Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.

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      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of doctor does a duck visit?

      A Ducktor.

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      • Bird
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    • Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?

      "He wanted to be a hentertainer."

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a vulture with no beak?

      A head banger.

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      • Bird
      00
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    • Teacher: What's a robin?

      Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years?

      It was stuffed.

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      • Bird
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    • What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin?

      I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.

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      • Bird
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    • What did the scornful owl say?

      Twit twoo.

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What do Scottish owls sing?

      Owld Lang Syne.

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      • Bird
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    • What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?

      You're not owld enough.

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      • Bird
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    • What do confused owls say?

      Too-whit-to-why?

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      • Bird
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    • What does an educated owl say?

      Whom.

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      • Bird
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    • How do you make a tame duck wild?

      Annoy it.

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      • Bird
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    • Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?

      Because eggs were going up!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What happens when geese land in a volcano?

      They cook their own gooses!

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      • Bird
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    • Why does a rooster watch TV?

      For hentertainment!

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      • Bird
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    • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

      A brick-layer!

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      • Chicken
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    • Why do ducks have webbed feet?

      To stamp out forest fires!

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    • What do you get from a drunk chicken?

      Scotch eggs!

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      • Chicken
      00
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    • What kind of bird lays electric eggs?

      A battery hen!

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      • Bird
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    • How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?

      Eat him on Saturday!

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      • Bird
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    • What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

      'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

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      • Bird
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    • What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?

      A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!

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      • Bird
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    • What is a parrot?

      A wordy birdy!

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      • Bird
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    • Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?

      Short John Silver!

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      • Bird
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    • Why did the bird join he air force?

      He wanted to be a parrot trooper!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • Why is politics for the birds?

      Because politicians always parrot the same old lines!

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      • Bird
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    • What's a parrot's favourite song?

      I love Parrots in the Springtime!

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      • Bird
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    • What are a parrot's favourite literary characters?

      Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What's a parrot's favourite game?

      Monopoly!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent?

      It speaks in Polly-syllables!

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      • Bird
      • Intelligence
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    • Why do parrots carry umbrellas?

      So they don't become polly-saturated!

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      • Bird
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    • Which bird ran for President?

      H. Ross Parrot

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      • President
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    • What did the parrot say when he saw a duck?

      Polly want a quacker!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What did the rich socialite's parrot say?

      Polly want a cracker, with caviar please!

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      • Bird
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    • What did the parrot say on Independence Day?

      Polly wants a firecracker!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What do you call the place where parrots make films?

      Pollywood!

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      • Bird
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    • What's the definition of Polystyrene?

      A plastic parrot!

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      • Bird
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    • What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?

      P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

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      • Bird
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    • What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot?

      A polygon .

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      • Bird
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    • What's the definition of Parity?

      Two parrots exactly the same!

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      • Bird
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    • What's the definition of a Parapet?

      Pet parrot kept by parachutist!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock?

      Politics

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      • Clock
      00
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    • Where do blind parrots go for treatment?

      The Birds Eye counter!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

      The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

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      • Bird
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    • Where do the cleverest parrots live?

      In the brain tree forests!

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    • Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

      Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.

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      • Bird
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    • Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"

      He was studying foreign languages.

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      • Chicken
      00
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    • What is the difference between a fly and a bird?

      A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What birds are found in Portugal?

      Portu-geese!

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      • Bird
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    • What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?

      Dead.

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?

      It eggs-plodes!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?

      The bombshell!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?

      An eggroll!

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What do chickens serve at birthday parties?

      Coop-cakes!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Is chicken soup good for your health?

      Not if you're the chicken!

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

      He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?

      They go on peck-nics!

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What happened when the chicken ate cement?

      She laid a sidewalk!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?

      She lays hand gren-eggs!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it easy for chicks to talk?

      Because talk is cheep!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • Why don't chickens like people?

      They beat eggs!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?

      She was tickled to death!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a crazy chicken?

      A cuckoo cluck!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken end up in the soup?

      Because it ran out of cluck!

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • How long do chickens work?

      Around the cluck!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?

      An alarm cluck!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?

      Because he didn't have enough guts

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What is the definition of Robin?

      A bird who steals!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?

      Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?

      Jail-birds!

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      • Bird
      00
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    • What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?

      Tweetie Pie!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender?

      Shredded Tweet!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

      A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the owl lost his voice?

      He didn't give a hoot!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when ducks fly upside down?

      They quack up!

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      • Bird
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?

      A bird that talks in morse code!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do birds invest their money?

      In the stork market!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bird that lives underground?

      A mynah bird!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a duck's favorite TV show?

      The feather forecast!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of bird opens doors?

      A kiwi!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What flies through the jungle singing opera?

      The parrots of Penzance!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do owls sing when it is raining?

      'Too wet to woo'!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What bird tastes just like butter?

      A stork!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do parrots eat?

      Polyfilla!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Scottish parrot?

      A Macaw!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?

      A firequaker!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a parrot to talk properly?

      Send him to polytechnic!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What language do birds speak?

      Pigeon English!

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      • Bird
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a crate of ducks?

      A box of quackers!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What's got six legs and can fly long distances?

      Three swallows!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Which bird is always out of breath?

      A puffin!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

      Fowl play!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What is green and pecks on trees?

      Woody Wood Pickle!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

      With it's sparrowchute!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a very rude bird?

      A mockingbird!

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      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?

      Because they're both full of stuffing!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a cut-price parrot?

      Plant bird seed!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • When is the best time to buy budgies?

      When they're going cheap!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

      A headbanger!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What birds spend all their time on their knees?

      Birds of prey!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a polygon?

      A dead parrot!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brown and white and flies all over?

      Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?

      A pecking order.

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      • Bird
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you identify a bald eagle?

      All his feathers are combed over to one side.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do bikes have kick-stands?

      Because they're two-tired.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?

      Bicycle petals!

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head?

      Petal!

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?

      Sir Francis Brake!

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?

      Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Elephant
      00
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    • When is a bicycle not a bicycle?

      When it turns into a driveway.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Driving
      00
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    • What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?

      The road.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.

      Farcical?

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

      Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?

      A penny-farthing.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

      Sleep on the sofa.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: Did you make your bed today?

      Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.

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      • Daughter
      00
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    • What did the really ugly man do for a living?

      He posed for Halloween masks!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?

      Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly?

      She was pretty ugly

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty?

      Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What is yellow and goes click-click?

      A ball-point banana.

      Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?

      Wizard: With luck, yes.

      Witch:

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      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?

      She finished it in two.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?

      The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is everyone beautiful?

      In the dark.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • They say Margaret is a raving beauty.

      You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?

      No one.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • What dog loves to take bubble baths?

      A shampoodle!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a vampire take a bath?

      In the bat-room.

      Tags:
      • Vampire
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

      Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.

      Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
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    • Where do Martians drink beer?

      At a mars bar!

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    • An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down.

      The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"

      Tags:
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      • Pope
      • Irish
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    • What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby?

      A cry for Alp!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Why does a mother carry her baby?

      The baby can't carry the mother.

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?

      Because they can't dress themselves.

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?

      Egyptian dummies.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?

      Because he wanted frozen pop.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Why is a baby like an diamond?

      Because it's a dear little thing.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?

      Where's Pop Corn?

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • How do you get a paper baby?

      Marry an old bag.

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • Do you like your new baby sister?

      She's all right.

      Do you play with her?

      No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?

      Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?

      I'd much rather have a jelly baby.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

      You rock-et.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Why are babies always gurgling with joy?

      Because it's a nappy time.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby?

      She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Why did you drop the baby?

      Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?

      He wanted something to get his teeth into.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What are baby witches called?

      Halloweenies.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • How did the witch almost lose her baby?

      She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?

      Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What is a baby bee?

      A little humbug.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?

      A bouncing baby boa.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What do baby pythons play with?

      Rattle-snakes.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?

      Stop crying and viper your nose.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?

      A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog.

      The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
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    • If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?

      None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What reads and lives in an apple?

      A bookworm!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?

      He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?

      Puff pastry!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?

      Because they're crab apples!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What kind of apple isn't an apple?

      A pineapple.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What is the left side of an apple?

      The part that you don't eat.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What kind of apple has a short temper?

      A crab apple.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?

      Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

      Tags:
      • Apple
      • Farmer
      00
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    • If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?

      Keeps everyone away.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • How do you make an apple turnover?

      Push it down hill.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?

      It can look round.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy?

      None - because they were all redskins.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?

      An outboard apple.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

      When you take careful aim.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • How do you make an apple puff?

      Chase it round the garden

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • How do you get the most apples at Halloween?

      Take a snorkel.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
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    • What medicine would you give an ill ant?

      Antibiotics!

      Tags:
      • Medicine
      00
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    • What's a shy and retiring accountant?

      An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Why did he cross back?

      So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Why did the auditor cross the road?

      Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What does FCPA stand for?

      Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What does CPA stand for?

      Can't Produce Anything

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What would Economics be without assumptions?

      Accounting

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?

      He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?

      They can wear casual clothes to work

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

      When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?

      Lost

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • How do you know accountants have no imagination?

      They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

      His desk is level

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

      Depreciation.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

      It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

      Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

      Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • What's the definition of unlikely?

      A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!

      '.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
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    • What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?

      Popular

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What does an accountant use for birth control?

      His personality.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

      Invite an accountant.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

      They find bookkeeping too exciting.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What's an actuary?

      An accountant without the sense of humour.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Why did God invent economists?

      So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • When does a person decide to become an accountant?

      When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

      Someone who has a loophole named after him.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What's the definition of an accountant?

      Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?

      "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Why accountants don't read novels?

      Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf?

      A paredvark!

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
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    • What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub?

      A barredvark!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do computer teachers never get sick?

      Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer?

      The cat kept fiddling with I.T.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Computer
      00
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    • Why did the computer act crazy?

      It had a screw loose.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard?

      Buttons.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?

      Click Turpin

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?

      Leeds.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is the best place to buy computer software?

      Washington C.D

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does an elephant carry its laptop?

      In its trunk.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • When do computers go to sleep?

      When it's internight.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

      I don't know!

      Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?

      A slipped disk.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?

      A thyme machine.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?

      A big mac.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?

      The Netcracker suite.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do if your computer hums?

      Tell it to change its socks!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do computer experts do at weekends?

      Go for a disk drive.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one mouse say to the other mouse?

      I get a click out of you.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?

      Sorry, you're not my type.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Want to buy a pocket computer?

      No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?

      Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been on my computer all night!

      Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?

      Hide their trainers.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • "Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"

      " My right hand."

      " Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?

      Fifteen.

      Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

      None.

      They try to fix the old one.

      "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it.

      We're going to rewrite it from scratch.

      Could you wait two months?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."

      "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?

      Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

      Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Christmas
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was there a bug in the computer?

      It was looking for a byte to eat.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

      It slipped a disk.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

      The space bar.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?

      PC Plod.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?

      Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?

      No wonder you called the company Microsoft

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • - Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

      - Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • How do you fix a woman's watch?

      - It doesn't matter.

      There is a clock on the oven.

      Tags:
      • Clock
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women have smaller feet than men?

      - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the witch lose her way?

      Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?

      Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      00
      Permalink
    • How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?

      With scare spray.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?

      She always wore long gloves to cover it up.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      00
      Permalink
    • What do witches ring for in a hotel?

      B-room service.

      Tags:
      • Witch
      00
      Permalink
    • How do sheep keep warm in winter?

      Central bleating!

      Tags:
      • Winter
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm?

      'Come and look at the rain, dear.'

      Tags:
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?

      Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

      Tags:
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a vampire's favourite soup?

      Scream of mushroom!

      Tags:
      • Vampire
      00
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    • When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?

      That the nail had come out of the wall.

      Tags:
      • Vampire
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    • What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

      Neck-tarines.

      Tags:
      • Vampire
      00
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    • Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?

      He used to keep it in his back pocket.

      Tags:
      • Vampire
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the vampire attack the clown?

      He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

      Tags:
      • Clown
      • Vampire
      00
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    • Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?

      To catch her false teeth.

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      00
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    • What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?

      He ate himself!

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the vampire call his false teeth?

      A new fangled device.

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you spell wrong?

      R?o?n?g.

      That's wrong.

      That's what you asked for, isn't it?

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken get sent off from a soccer match?

      For fowl play!

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do religious school children practice sports?

      In the prayground!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink?

      Gravi-tea!

      Tags:
      • Space
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an overweight ET?

      An extra cholesterol!

      Tags:
      • Space
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an alien starship that drips water?

      A crying saucer!

      Tags:
      • Space
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?

      Wait until he's finished.

      Tags:
      • Toilet
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?

      'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch?

      He bolted it down.

      Tags:
      • Monster
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?

      I didn't know we lived on the same block.

      Tags:
      • Monster
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?

      Bolt upright.

      Tags:
      • Monster
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?

      He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.

      Tags:
      • Monster
      00
      Permalink
    • What brings the monster's babies?

      The Frankenstork.

      Tags:
      • Monster
      00
      Permalink
    • A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?"

      "Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

      If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"

      while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

      Tags:
      • Mental health
      00
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    • What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?

      A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

      No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • Can you show me how to use the Internet?

      I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?

      Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

      A URLologist.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • What do bees do if they want to use public transport?

      Wait at a buzz stop!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • Where would you put an injured insect?

      In an antbulance!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a queen bee do when she burps?

      Issues a royal pardon!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bee's favourite classical music composer?

      Bee-thoven!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • What goes hum-choo, hum choo?

      A bee with a cold!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?

      It got angry and bit at the champ!

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you find my horse well behaved?

      Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?

      The cat ate her.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?

      He was the Chief In-Spectre.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?

      Afresh air freak.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?

      By appearing in television spooktaculars.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a rich frog?

      A golf blooded reptile!

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

      To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

      Big holes all over Australia!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an elephant that flies?

      A jumbo jet!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

      So he could hide in the cherry tree!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?

      Albunny, New York!

      Tags:
      • New York
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?

      The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

      An udder failure!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

      A pineapple!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?

      Because a little water ends both of them!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

      Thanks, I'll never part with it!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

      They both drop their needles!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Where did the kittens go on their class trip?

      - To a mewseum.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • When do cannibals cook you?

      On Fried-days.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bus conductor say to the frog?

      Hop on.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • Frog
      00
      Permalink
    • How do eels get around the seabed?

      They go by octobus.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?

      Only if they have a very frank relationship!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

      Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do hens lay eggs?

      If they dropped them, they'd break

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?

      With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)

      Tags:
      • DNA
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?

      It was a vicious cycle.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a ghost-proof bicycle?

      One with no spooks in it.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

      It has a rattle.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the policeman's baby's first words?

      Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?

      She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What lives in apples and is an avid reader?

      A bookworm!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple?

      Because everyone had to go in pairs!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple?

      Worm your way out of that one, then!

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do accountants make good lovers?

      They're great with figures.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the aardvark call his dog?

      Aard-bark!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?

      A virus does something.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do computers eat when they get hungry?

      Chips.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      One. But he doesn't screw it in, he just holds it and waits for the world to revolve around him.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Narcissism
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you give a sick bird?

      Tweetment.

      What do you give a sick lemon?

      Lemon aid.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?

      Just one, if you put it in the right place.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • You know why Michael J. Fox makes really good milkshakes?

      Because he uses the best ingredients.

      Tags:
      • Michael J. Fox
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?

      The lumberjack has a job.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?

      They're bitter.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet?!

      But most just grow 4.

      Tags:
      • Crocodile
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

      Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ.

      Tags:
      • Cocktail
      • OJ Simpson
      • Bloody Mary
      00
      Permalink
    • What's black and never works?

      Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

      Tags:
      • Coffee
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

      I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot.

      Tags:
      • Drone
      • School
      • Pakistan
      • Terrorist
      • Air Force
      00
      Permalink
    • When does a joke become a Dad Joke?

      When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a broken square?

      A REKTangle

      Tags:
      • Geometry
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one barstool say to the other?

      Nothing, inanimate objects cannot talk.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

      The Sesame Seeds on his buns.

      Tags:
      • McDonalds
      • Ronald McDonald
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

      A tea bag stays in the cup longer!

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • England
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

      In case one dozen come out right.

      Tags:
      • Baking
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear?

      Sting was kidnapped!

      The Police still have no lead.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • What's red and looks like a bucket?

      A red bucket.

      What's blue and looks like a bucket?

      A red bucket in disguise.

      Tags:
      • Color
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a person with no eyes?

      Blind.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
      Permalink
    • Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer?

      At a concentration camp.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

      You get your palm red for free.

      Tags:
      • Period
      • Psychic
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do dads keep their jokes?

      In their dada-base.

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

      He was a little beet.

      Tags:
      • Racing
      • Vegetable
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there no Wal-Mart stores in Afghanistan?

      Because there's a target on every corner.

      Tags:
      • Target
      • Walmart
      • Afghanistan
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the archaeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

      His career is in ruins.

      Tags:
      • Archaeology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

      Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Ironing
      • Iron Man
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?

      Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • Which cheese is made backwards?

      Edam!

      Tags:
      • Cheese
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

      Wine.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Wine
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing

      Tags:
      • Norway
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.

      Me: And?

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Spelling
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a broken can opener?

      A can't opener.

      Tags:
      • Kitchen
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?

      He doesn't he just talks about how great it used to be.

      Tags:
      • NFL
      • San Francisco
      • San Francisco 49ers
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a comb and a guitar have in common?

      Neither of them can climb trees.

      00
      Permalink
    • What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him?

      I don't wanna be Obama self.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Barack Obama
      • Michelle Obama
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a newborn baby?

      Anything you want.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't Suzy give Mary a high five?

      Because I cut off her hand.

      00
      Permalink
    • What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

      Au-burn.

      Tags:
      • Burn
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the sprinter lose the race?

      He had no legs.

      Tags:
      • Racing
      • Amputation
      00
      Permalink
    • What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

      Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

      Tags:
      • Oscars
      • Hollywood
      • Leonardo DiCaprio
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a beagle and an eagle mixed together?

      A beagle.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bird
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How much did Harambe drink in the bar?

      Just a couple of shots.

      Tags:
      • Harambe
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

      Everybody misses Harambe.

      Tags:
      • Harambe
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?

      Pretty much any way you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

      Tags:
      • Egg
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?

      They have very little patients.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

      Because General Lee I don't find them funny.

      Tags:
      • Civil War
      • Robert E. Lee
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the Asian terrible at driving?

      He was drunk.

      Tags:
      • Asian
      • Drunk
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the one-armed superhero?

      He single handedly stops crime.

      Tags:
      • Superhero
      • Amputation
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

      He ate the mac and cheese before it was cool.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

      So the other one could learn to drive.

      Tags:
      • Twin
      • Driving
      • England
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the little drop of ink so sad?

      Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!

      Tags:
      • Grammar
      • Writing
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

      Mitosis.

      Tags:
      • Biology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?

      A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.

      00
      Permalink
    • What difference does an "A" make?

      Well, the difference between NASA and NSA is astronomical.

      Tags:
      • NASA
      00
      Permalink
    • Which chord is essential to every Christian song?

      Gsus.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Christian
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Michael J Fox draw a perfect circle?

      Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

      Tags:
      • Drawing
      • Michael J. Fox
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a mathematician solve their constipation?

      They work it out with a pencil.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Constipation
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you a call a person who can't fly.

      A person.

      Tags:
      • Aviation
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do poor meatballs live?

      In the spaghetto.

      Tags:
      • Poor
      • Pasta
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a factory that only makes good products?

      A satisfactory

      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

      He did not have sufficient stability in his arm at that moment causing him to loosen his grip and drop his ice cream.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

      An Opti-Mystic.

      Tags:
      • Optimist
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

      Sneakers.

      Tags:
      • Ninja
      • Shoe
      00
      Permalink
    • Can the ninja throw his ninja stars?

      Shurikan.

      Tags:
      • Ninja
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

      He always gets stuck on across.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?

      Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder.

      Tags:
      • Bee
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Want to hear a construction joke?

      I'm still working on it.

      Tags:
      • Construction Worker
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the white man go to jail?

      He broke the law.

      Tags:
      • White People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Nuns always wear Black and White?

      No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

      There's not mushroom in here.

      Tags:
      • Mushroom
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sad strawberry?

      A blueberry.

      Tags:
      • Fruit
      • Blueberry
      • Strawberry
      00
      Permalink
    • What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?

      A nervous wreck.

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Ocean
      00
      Permalink
    • How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq?

      Iran.

      Tags:
      • Iran
      • Iraq
      • Afghanistan
      00
      Permalink
    • How many babies does it take to paint a house?

      Depends on how hard you throw them.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Paint
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

      You can't hear an enzyme!

      Tags:
      • Biology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?

      Because its not very nice.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

      "NASThe Sky's The Limit"

      Tags:
      • NASA
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Ghost enter the bar?

      For the BOOOOS.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      • Halloween
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?

      It wooden go.

      Tags:
      • Car
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

      Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

      Tags:
      • Yoda
      • Star Wars
      11
      Permalink
    • What's the most useful material?

      Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get two whales in a car?

      You can't. Whales are very large creatures and cannot fit into anything that size.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Whale
      00
      Permalink
    • What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?

      Breakfast and lunch.

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one socially awkward kid say to another socially awkward kid?

      Nothing.

      00
      Permalink
    • Guess what I saw today?

      Everything I looked at.

      Tags:
      • Eyesight
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats wet, fishy, and gets caught by fishermen?

      Fish.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Fishing
      • Fishing
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a fish store with no fish?

      A water store.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a baby cry?

      You throw bricks at its face.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Whats the point? Feminists can't take a joke anyway.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

      My wife.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the boat sink?

      The captain drove it into a pile of sharp rocks.

      Tags:
      • Boat
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dog that's half poodle, half bulldog?

      A dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What is harder than Jenga?

      Being a quadriplegic.

      Tags:
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

      Because Africa isn't a country.

      Tags:
      • Africa
      • Olympics
      • Basketball
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

      Oakley Dokelys.

      Tags:
      • Ned Flanders
      • The Simpsons
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an angry German?

      A sour kraut.

      Tags:
      • Germany
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?

      I-75.

      Tags:
      • Kentucky
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?

      C4

      Tags:
      • Chess
      • Michael Bay
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there no living cats on Mars?

      Because Curiosity killed them all.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Mars
      00
      Permalink
    • What has four legs and one arm?

      An attack dog in an elementary school.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What's harder than a diamond?

      Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.

      Tags:
      • Roundhouse
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • How are marriage and CPR training the same?

      You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

      Do these genes make me look fat?

      Tags:
      • DNA
      00
      Permalink
    • Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?

      She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.

      Tags:
      • Bill Clinton
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

      It takes longer to pick up.

      Tags:
      • Navy
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

      About thirty thousand dollars a year.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

      Because Somalia doesn't have an education system

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

      Chicken sees a salad

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

      Because it means they *cantaloupe*

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US?

      because he isllamaphobic

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

      He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

      Tags:
      • Software
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

      To get some fresh air

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde identical twins?

      They couldn't tell each other apart.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

      Slow natives.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you stop an Internet troll?

      Seize their memes of production.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • what do vegan zombies eat?

      Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

      He got a little behind in his work.

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      00
      Permalink
    • What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside?

      A lightbulb.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

      A gf gif gift grift

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?

      Trump supporters vote

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

      Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

      Tags:
      • Wheelchair
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Native American Biologist live in?

      ATP

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

      Nothing.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Jim Henson
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

      A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?

      a Guardian of the Galaxy

      Tags:
      • Security
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a vegan zombie eat?

      GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Zombie
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

      in one night stand you tear off the panties in long relationship you gently remove the panties in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

      Slow down and use some lube

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?

      By saying Alderaan things.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the church hire a prostitute?

      Her resume said "missionary position"

      Tags:
      • Missionary
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

      A flat minor

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes have schools underwater.

      Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

      He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brown?

      Artificial Intelligence.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?

      You turn off the carousel.

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Jesus Christ so buff?

      Crossfit.

      Tags:
      • Crossfit
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

      Darth Vader.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Princess
      • Darth Vader
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?

      Because deep down, they're good people.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

      Dairy

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife?

      Because some jobs American's just won't do.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Donald Trump
      00
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    • What's 668?

      The Neighbor of the Beast.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call children born of ginger people?

      Ginger-bred

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?

      The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...

      Tags:
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler

      Hitler had supporters.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

      one will see you later, and the other in a while

      Tags:
      • Alligator
      11
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller?

      One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • Who makes more money: a prostitute or a drug dealer?

      Depends on who has the best crack.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • How do dating sites in Alabama save money?

      They link to Ancestry.com

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism. But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde in a closet?

      Last years hide and seek champion.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?

      One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the playground?

      To get to the other slide.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do pigs talk?

      Swine language.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook?

      When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.

      Tags:
      • Doctor Who
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

      Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Buddhism
      00
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    • Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

      Because they have no attachments.

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      • Buddhism
      00
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    • What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?

      They wipe, flush, and wash their hands.

      Tags:
      • Toilet
      • Cannibal
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?

      Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.

      Tags:
      • iPhone
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore?

      He always beats her to the punchline.

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the French chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?

      If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.

      Tags:
      • Potato
      • College
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Johnny fail his programming class?

      His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"

      Tags:
      • Homework
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

      He got creped out.

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?

      Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

      By taste.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
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    • Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?

      Because they're friends with grand wizards.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Steve Bannon
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Asian pirates do?

      They fry pranes!

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?

      He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a nun pregnant?

      Dress her up as a choirboy.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      00
      Permalink
    • What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?

      Impersonating a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

      Remarry

      Tags:
      • Dishwasher
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website?

      Forgot Your Password?

      Tags:
      • Password
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?

      He didn't work well with udders.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a hormone?

      You pay her. (This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)

      Tags:
      • Pharmacy
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does an atom go when it breaks down?

      A quantum mechanic.

      Tags:
      • Mechanic
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get Americans to join a war?

      Tell them it's nearly finished.

      Tags:
      • War
      • America
      • World War II
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?

      She was looking in Alderaan places.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      • Star Wars
      00
      Permalink
    • How do mathematicians scold their children?

      "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?

      One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.

      00
      Permalink
    • How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

      A what?

      Tags:
      • Amish
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?

      Gingerly.

      Tags:
      • Sensitive
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

      Because he was a mass murderer

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

      The Delete Key

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a preacher with an erection?

      A firm believer

      Tags:
      • Priest
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?

      They heard she could handle a cockatoo.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

      They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor?

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?

      He's still nuts over her.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • how do you know you are a real redneck?

      you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a nosy pepper do?

      Get jalapeno business

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?

      Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

      Tags:
      • Al Gore
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Native Americans the best strippers?

      Because when they dance they make it rain.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?

      A connoisaur

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?

      Attire.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?

      Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

      Tags:
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

      ...94 people died.

      Tags:
      • Car Accident
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None- that's hardware.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      • Hardware
      • Software
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

      I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?

      A rebel without a gauze

      Tags:
      • Blood
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant?

      She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.

      Tags:
      • Idaho
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

      Because he had a hole in one.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do drug dealers hate prostitutes?

      Because prostitutes can wash their crack and sell it again.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is outer space so clean?

      It's a vacuum!

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?

      Irrelephant.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 16 white American people?

      A full blooded Cherokee

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

      Cuz you know something's about to go down.

      Tags:
      • Elevator
      00
      Permalink
    • Which American state is not great, but not bad either?

      OK.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

      She gets a frog in her throat at 69!

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Miss Piggy
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a natural blonde who dyes her hair?

      Artificial intelligence.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?

      Because they never get a reaction.

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

      Because it is a contact sport!

      Tags:
      • America
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?

      An essay.

      Tags:
      • Government
      • High School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

      A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

      Tags:
      • Monk
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?

      One less drunk.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?

      An omniwhore.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the computer play golf?...

      ...Because it had the wrong Driver

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

      A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)

      Tags:
      • America
      • Elevator
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

      A receding airline!

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      • Hair Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a woman go blind?

      Put a windshield in front of her.

      Tags:
      • Windshield
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

      Remove the wheelchair

      Tags:
      • Wheelchair
      00
      Permalink
    • what do you call an alligator in a vest?

      An investigator

      Tags:
      • Alligator
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?

      Word to your mother.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the reporter fell into the water?

      She became an anchor.

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      • Reporter
      00
      Permalink
    • How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

      Microsoft.

      Tags:
      • Bill Gates
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a drunk police officer do?

      Protect and swerve.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you save a pirate's life?

      C P Arrr!

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?

      Probably killed.

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make an elephant float?

      A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      • Vanilla Ice
      00
      Permalink
    • Know what a 6.9 is?

      Another good thing screwed over by a period

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

      Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday." The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

      I cry when I chop an onion.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

      Drink it

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

      Open Toad sandals.

      Tags:
      • Shoe
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?

      He's out standing in his field.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      A Brazilian.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What do ghosts do when they're sad?

      They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.

      Tags:
      • Elevator
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?

      You can negotiate with terrorists

      Tags:
      • Terrorist
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

      They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?

      Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?

      Tags:
      • McDonalds
      • Philosophy
      00
      Permalink
    • How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Just two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a rednecks favorite part of archaeology?

      Relative dating

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?

      Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?

      So they can park in handicap spots.

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

      A flat minor

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on?

      He had a reptile dysfunction.

      Tags:
      • Alligator
      00
      Permalink
    • Which dinosaur named all the others?

      The Thesaurus

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?

      He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Kanye West
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?

      He was too far out man!!

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve?

      The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why Eiffel Tower is so high?

      So the white flag can be visible from Berlin. Sorry :P .

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?

      ... I pull out of my driveway

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

      A flat minor.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?

      Because the whole state is inbred

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the black man walk into a bar?

      Because the cell door was still locked.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?

      Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...

      Tags:
      • Halloween
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

      Patty O'Furniture

      Tags:
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't Amish people water ski?

      Because their horses would drown.

      Tags:
      • Amish
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

      Liberty

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?

      Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by?

      Everywhere.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

      The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

      One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Michael Jackson
      00
      Permalink
    • What do vegan zombies eat?

      GRAAAAAIIINNNNSS!!!

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Zombie
      00
      Permalink
    • What came first, the chicken or the egg?

      The Rooster.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon?

      They gave him the cold shoulder.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.

      One of them is organised.

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      00
      Permalink
    • How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

      I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?

      One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.

      Tags:
      • Experiment
      00
      Permalink
    • What does baby computer call his father?

      Data.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

      A family reunion.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

      Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath

      One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Santa Claus always a man?

      Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

      Tags:
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are rubber tires black?

      So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb ?

      There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?

      Kinder Surprise

      Tags:
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?

      A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.

      Tags:
      • Camel
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?

      You give her a test tickle.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Asians have squinty eyes?

      because their future is so bright

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band?

      Foreigner.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

      They don't. They just beat the room for being black.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the most common marriage proposal?

      You're what!

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?

      Build a house next to it.

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

      The box said 2-4 years!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

      He was Snowden.

      Tags:
      • Russia
      • America
      • Edward Snowden
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?

      Because they have high double standards.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common?

      Someone is going to lose a trailer.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Again with the victim blaming, jerk? Don't tell us to change the lightbulb, tell the lightbulb to not need changing.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is acne better than a catholic priest?

      At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one earthquake say to the other?

      Was that your fault or mine?

      Tags:
      • Earthquake
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?

      They lost their reservations.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

      They keep getting lost at sea.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

      Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

      Tags:
      • Semen
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a $20 prostitute and a $200 prostitute?

      When the $20 one swallows, it's because she's hungry.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?

      Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?

      One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence. The other is an Iraqi Army base.

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are elephants big and grey?

      Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      11
      Permalink
    • What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?

      The ova achiever

      Tags:
      • Semen
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

      but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist?

      A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?

      You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What is grey and comes in quarts?

      An elephant

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?

      An Instagram account.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the strongest color?

      Super Cyan

      Tags:
      • Strength
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?

      No one was hurt but business is toast.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?

      A prostitute says "Faster, faster!" A girlfriend says "More, more!" A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying?

      "It was a business doing pleasure with you."

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

      None, it is a hardware issue!

      Tags:
      • Hardware
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do elephants drink so much?

      To forget.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

      To beat the crowds.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the earthquake say to all of its victims?

      Oh, sorry...my fault.

      Tags:
      • Earthquake
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?

      He wasn't very good at taking shots.

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • What do they call Peter Pan in China?

      Peter Wok

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      • Peter Pan
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

      Vladimir's Poo Tin

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?

      You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

      Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.

      Tags:
      • Elevator
      00
      Permalink
    • How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

      One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      11
      Permalink
    • What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?

      Web Development.

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's big, Scottish, and depressing?

      Scotland.

      Tags:
      • Scottish
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

      Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

      The mafia doesn't like witnesses.

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      00
      Permalink
    • Which President had the shortest term?

      Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

      Discrimination.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?

      Hitler knew when to kill himself

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

      The second telephone.

      Tags:
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?

      Sold his soul to Santa.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

      A $100 bill.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

      Ein stein.

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder take any Flint tap water with him overseas in order to stick to his promise that he'd drink it for a full month?

      Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Michigan
      • Rick Snyder
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

      He sold his soul to Santa

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?

      Because any more would be too farty.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

      To the airport please

      Tags:
      • Airport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do asian cannibals eat?

      "rawmen"

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

      Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do people like Hillary Clinton?

      When she can't even stand herself?

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the farmer fire the DJ?

      Because he kept on dropping beets.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?

      Very satisfying.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does a bride wear white?

      So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Dishwasher
      00
      Permalink
    • How are blind kids punished by their parents?

      The parents move the furniture.

      Tags:
      • Furniture
      00
      Permalink
    • How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • How much do pirates charge for piercings?

      A buck an ear.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children

      A Swallocaust.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the cucumber blush?

      Because it saw the salad dressing.

      Tags:
      • Cucumber
      00
      Permalink
    • What do the Police and Pokemon have in common?

      They gotta catch 'Jamal

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?

      Dress them up as dead lions

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What do farts and children have in common?

      You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

      The specific ocean.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

      Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken kill himself?

      To get to the other side.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

      Comic Sans

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

      A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

      Tell her a joke at Christmas

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Medusa order pizza?

      Her boyfriend was stoned.

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Wanna go for a bike ride?

      Tags:
      • ADHD
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

      ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      11
      Permalink
    • What is a pirate's favourite letter?

      He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

      Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?

      Wendy's.

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      • Peter Pan
      00
      Permalink
    • what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

      He got a woodpecker.

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

      Virgin Mobile

      Tags:
      • Nun
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

      Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Dog
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?

      A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate rescission of all funding.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?

      They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.

      Tags:
      • Court
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

      A food fight.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana?

      Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      • Pink Floyd
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about the sequel to

      the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.

      Tags:
      • Satan
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens to lawyers after they die?

      They lie still.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How often do scientists check the element table?

      Periodically...

      Tags:
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?

      Where you going essay!?

      Tags:
      • Homework
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?

      He got the cold shoulder.

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a pirate's favorite letter?

      The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?

      Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

      E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • When cats are sad...

      Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Shot of tequila." *Bartender pours it.* *Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.* Cat: "I'll have another."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a redneck virgin?

      A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

      Alien vs predator

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

      "Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

      Tags:
      • Hawaii
      • Airport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?

      A headmaster.

      Tags:
      • Principal
      00
      Permalink
    • How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

      The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

      'Scurvy

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse

      A mechanic

      Tags:
      • Amish
      • Horse
      • Mechanic
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city?

      Nadasaki

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

      None, they never get the house.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • How do I know that Trump will be our next president?

      Because Orange is the new Black.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown

      Artificial Intelligence

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • When they start with the punchline.

      How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the farmer get an award?

      Because he was outstanding in his field.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • What has 60 feet and 5 teeth?

      The front row of a Trump rally.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?

      Don't do it! You have potential!

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Irish lesbian?

      Gaelic

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

      He couldn't handle the boos.

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

      The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

      Tags:
      • Moon
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

      When she fits in your wife's clothing.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?

      The cold shoulder

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

      Because he was Snow'den.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

      Drool

      Tags:
      • Alabama
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb?

      You can un-screw the light-bulb

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What computer monitor sings the best?

      A Dell.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died?

      He pasta way.

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. That's a hardware problem.

      Tags:
      • Hardware
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

      They both come when you're asleep.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Bill Cosby
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • "What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

      "Really? I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      00
      Permalink
    • How come American cops always lose at pool?

      Because they always shoot down the black one first.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

      He will build alternative fact-tories

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

      A Wii fit

      Tags:
      • Scottish
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

      [removed]

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

      A Lot.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

      A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

      Grab a cup of joe.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

      Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What do scientists and vegetables have in common?

      Stephen Hawking

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Stephen Hawking
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

      She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.

      Tags:
      • Lipstick
      • Chris Brown
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

      Strippers don't rig their polls.

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between America and Europe?

      In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What's Afghanistan's National Bird?

      An American drone.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

      Your nuts hang out the side. A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

      One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      • Toy Story
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

      Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot?

      3/5ths

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?

      I'm not sure yet.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

      An army.

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

      Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store?

      One nightstand.

      Tags:
      • Furniture
      00
      Permalink
    • What's green and sits on the porch?

      Paddy O'Furniture. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a black mother tell her children apart?

      She remembers them by their last names.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

      The other 20% drive Mercedes

      Tags:
      • Mercedes
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

      He had no proper tea..

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC?

      Cause it comes with a bucket.

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?

      Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Virginia
      • West Virginia
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?

      A cannibal.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Doctor Who
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?

      Gingers just don't last in the sun.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the bad part of Italy?

      The spaghetto.

      Tags:
      • News
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

      You can unscrew a lightbulb.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the least spoken language in the world?

      Sign language.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • how do you know asians have broken into your home?

      the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Homework
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between God and a police officer?

      God doesn't think he's a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

      Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?

      Her/she

      Tags:
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Americans bad at DotA ?

      Because they can't defend their towers.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

      She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

      He had a bounty on his head.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?

      She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

      If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

      An elephant with diarrhea...

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

      Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

      Tags:
      • Grenade
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

      A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

      Ryan

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

      The way they traveled through the chimney.

      Tags:
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

      Gluten tag

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

      ...or does he have toupee?

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

      He heard the ref was blowing fouls

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

      You can just drop her off anywhere.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

      In a casino, you really mean it.

      Tags:
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

      It's not hard.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are relationships complex?

      Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

      Because they let IT go

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

      Reintarnation.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • Buddhism
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?

      Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters?

      Orange Is The New Black

      Tags:
      • Barack Obama
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

      He spent his day cutting up vegetables

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when you shoot a black man?

      You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

      A baboom.

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

      Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Miss Piggy
      00
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    • When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

      Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • What's more Irish than eating potatoes?

      Not eating potatoes.

      Tags:
      • Potato
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Americans so good at shooting?

      They have the best schools for it.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

      Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

      Tags:
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between children and Isis?

      Drones can't tell either

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?

      Because it was a mail dominated industry

      Tags:
      • Post Office
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?

      Ubisoft

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Irishman text his Wife?

      "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

      Tags:
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

      Aretha Franklins!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

      ...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

      If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Peter Pan always flying?

      He neverlands... I like this joke because it never grows old... This joke is off the hook... Sorry

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      • Peter Pan
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?

      they only had one pickup

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • What are they going to use to build the wall?

      The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.

      Tags:
      • President
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are European cars the lightest?

      because there's no Americans sitting in them.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

      As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

      Tags:
      • Waitress
      • Mike Tyson
      00
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    • Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

      The Crimea River

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      • Crimea River
      • Justin Timberlake
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

      Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a pirate's favorite explosive?

      M80

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

      Harry gets to take the train back.

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Harry Potter
      00
      Permalink
    • What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!

      When do want them?! NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

      A sunken chest with no booty.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Know why vodka is so clear?

      It's so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Donald Trump hate most about school?

      Essays.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?

      There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

      Tags:
      • DNA
      • Virginia
      • West Virginia
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

      Men toes.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

      Mainly, the taste.

      Tags:
      • Thermometer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a redneck's favorite dating website?

      Ancestry.com

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

      When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?

      Because they literally can't even.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

      A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • How many American rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb

      Both of them

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

      They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde snort splenda?

      She thought it was diet coke.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

      Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?

      Because he was a cagey bee agent.

      Tags:
      • CIA
      00
      Permalink
    • What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

      Gee, you knit?

      Tags:
      • 50 Cent
      • Grandmother
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the bike go to the car show?

      Because he was two tired.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.

      Tags:
      • Feminism
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

      because they can't protect their towers

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't two elephants go swimming?

      -They only have one pair of trunks.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

      White Vans.

      Tags:
      • Shoe
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Elton John play the piano?

      Because he sucks on an organ.

      Tags:
      • Elton John
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?

      You can punch information into a computer.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

      Put it into airplane mode.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)

      Alien vs. Predator

      Tags:
      • Fighting
      00
      Permalink
    • How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Lets go ride our bikes

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None. They prefer to be left in the dark.

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • What shape is your hair in the morning?

      A wrecktangle.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

      You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

      Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

      Tags:
      • Scottish
      • Mick Jagger
      00
      Permalink
    • what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer?

      ..... a father in law.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

      Nothing.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Stephen Hawking
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

      Attractive.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?

      Juan by Juan

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

      They only had 2 vans

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does Wal-Mart keep the Terminator toys?

      Aisle B, back.

      Tags:
      • Walmart
      00
      Permalink
    • How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again?

      Tags:
      • Hardware
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

      An acronym stands for something

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

      A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the US military and a fart have in common?

      Air Force

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Military
      • Air Force
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

      One dumbass who never pulls out in time

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

      Konnichihuahua

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

      He was making up for lost thyme.

      Tags:
      • Cooking
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

      So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

      Tags:
      • God
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

      Yours.

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

      The restraining order

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?

      The French flag!

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a pirates favourite letter?

      P, because without it they're irate

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you blindfold an Asian woman?

      Put a windshield in front of her.

      Tags:
      • Windshield
      00
      Permalink
    • What do men and women have in common?

      Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

      A Guantanamo Bae

      Tags:
      • Terrorist
      00
      Permalink
    • Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

      The Air Force, because it's US AF.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Air Force
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?

      Claude

      Tags:
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

      COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Tags:
      • News
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

      Thanks, Obama.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      • Melania Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

      They are really good at it.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

      I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

      Virgin Mobile

      Tags:
      • Nun
      00
      Permalink
    • How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Nobody knows, they never get to keep the house.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Divorce
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

      Professor +

      Tags:
      • Professor
      • Professor X
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

      Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

      Tags:
      • Electricity
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

      Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      None. We don't address hardware issues.

      Tags:
      • Hardware
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

      Feyonce

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

      Ask your mother.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto

      In a bucket

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

      Invite two of them.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

      Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

      All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Donald Trump's hair get at the end of each day?

      [removed]

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

      A fart.

      Tags:
      • Aviation
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Native Americans hate snow?

      Because it's white and settles on their land.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

      Because they can't even.

      Tags:
      • Girl
      • Teen
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

      A vegetarian.

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the piano teacher arrested?

      He kept fingering A minor.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • What do British nuclear engineers eat?

      Fission chips.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

      Because they spend years at C.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

      The pot was calling the cattle back

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?

      Brothel Sprouts.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

      Philippe Philoppe.

      Tags:
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

      His ears. Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox" Good times!

      Tags:
      • Sensitive
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

      You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

      In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between USA and USB?

      One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

      Tags:
      • Hardware
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

      You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

      Tags:
      • Basement
      • Lightbulb
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

      Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      • Donald Trump
      11
      Permalink
    • What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

      Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

      For Hispanic attacks.

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

      So we can think about a solution in silence.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

      "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Ryan Lochte
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

      Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Caucasian American males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      One.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • what do you call four black people in a red sleeping bag?

      -a very snug sleeping bag as they can rarely fit more then one person comfortably

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you call a dog with no legs?

      You can't call it, you have to go and pick it up.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      To collect it's AIDS medication.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Gene give Carla for Christmas?

      AIDS

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Larry fall off his bike?

      He was hit in the head with a brick...

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?

      Just a sort of mixed bird thing.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Chuck Norris and broccoli?

      A lot.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Black Comedian?

      Funny, You Racist.

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Santa give the little boy for Christmas?

      Nothing, he's not real

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you escape from being enlisted in the army of your nation?

      Flee to a different country and bring along your valuables.

      Tags:
      • Army
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

      A satisfied elephant and a dead poodle.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the black kid get for his birthday? Yo bike!

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you kill a blonde?

      lightsabre to the throat should do it

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What came first, the chicken or the egg?

      The egg, because breakfast comes before dinner.

      Tags:
      • Egg
      • Chicken
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Japanese man commit suicide?

      He was terminally ill and decided it was his time to go

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • At what age are Americans allowed drink?

      At any age. liquids are vital for human beings to survive.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the Capitol of Washington DC?

      W

      Tags:
      • George W. Bush
      00
      Permalink
    • what did the McDonald's cashier say to the fat man ordering a large chocolate milkshake?

      you want some fries with that shake?

      Tags:
      • Chocolate
      • McDonalds
      00
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    • What Do You Get When You Mix Chicken Stock, Carrots, potatoes (With Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate To Protect Color), Peas, Heavy Cream, Modified Food Starch, Contains 2% Or Less Of Wheat Flour, Salt, Chicken Fat, Dried Dairy Blend (Whey, Calcium Caseinate), Butter (Cream, Salt), Natural Chicken Flavor With Other Natural Flavors (Salt, Natural Flavoring, Maltodextrin, Milk Solids, Nonfat Dry Milk, Chicken Fat, Beef Extract, Ascorbic Acid [To Help Protect Flavor]), Monosodium Glutamate, Liquid Margarine (Vegetable Oil Blend [Liquid Soybean, Hydrogenated Cottonseed, Hydrogenated Soybean], Water, Vegetable Mono And Diglycerides, Beta Carotene [Color]), Roasted Garlic Juice Flavor (Garlic Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Gelatin, Roasted Onion Juice Flavor (Onion Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Chicken Pot Pie Flavor (Hydrolyzed Corn, Soy And Wheat Gluten Protein, Salt, Vegetable Stock [Carrot, Onion, Celery], Maltodextrin, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Flavors, Dextrose, Chicken Broth), Chicken Stock, Sugar, Mono and Diglycerides With Citric Acid to Protect Flavor, Spice, Seasoning (Soybean Oil, Oleoresin Turmeric, Spice Extractives), Parsley, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Yellow 5. Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Water, Nonfat Milk, Maltodextrin, Salt, Dextrose, Sugar, Whey, Natural Flavor, Butter, Citric Acid, Dough Conditioner, L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, Potassium Sorbate and Sodium Benzoate (Preservatives), Colored With Yellow 5 and Red 40. Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate added as Anticaking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking Agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate Added As Anticaking Agent OR Seasoning (Salt, Monosodium Glutamate, Garlic Powder, Spice Extractives, Onion Powder), Soy Protein Concentrate, Rice Starch and Sodium Phosphates. Battered With: Water, Wheat Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Monocalcium Phosphate), Salt, Dextrose, Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Predusted With: Wheat Flour, Wheat Gluten, Salt, Dried Egg Whites, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Soy Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice, Nonfat Dry Milk, Onion Powder, Dextrose, Extractives of Turmeric and Extractives of Annatto, Breading Set in Vegetable oil?

      KFC's Chicken Pot Pie

      Tags:
      • Potato
      • Chicken
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    • what do you call a black guy in a cop car

      a cop

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • What did the coal miner get for Christmas?

      Black Lung Disease

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the Irishman die?

      He was old.

      Tags:
      • Irish
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    • What did the creepy old man do to the child?

      Took him to baseball practice

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      00
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    • Why did the kid cry?

      He had a frog stapled to his face.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      00
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    • How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

      CHANGE?????

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Republican
      00
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    • Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

      His health was dwindling ever since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several years ago and this looked like the end.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Why did the cat bite its owner?

      Because the owner had been dead for several days and the cat was locked in the house with nothing else to eat.

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What did the hobo get for Christmas?

      Hypothermia

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • What did Larry do when little Billy's baseball crashed through his window? He raped and murdered little Billy for Larry has raped and murdered many children.

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      • Children
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    • What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

      A pogo stick.

      Just kidding.

      Cancer.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • What did Santa say to the prostitute?

      "Merry Christmas!"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Prostitution
      00
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    • Why did Lisa let go of the monkey bars?

      she was being molested

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
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    • What do you call a gardener in Mexico?

      Un Jardinero.

      Tags:
      • Gardening
      00
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    • Did you hear what happened when the President, the Pope and the Dalai Lama went golfing?

      Neither did I.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • President
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Due the limited cognitive ability and a lack of critical thinking skills, the chicken mistakenly ventured across the road in search of grain. Luckily the chicken was not injured on this occasion, however other chickens may not be so lucky in the future.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • What did the blonde do when she found out one is most likely to get in a car accident within 6 miles of the home?

      She drove more carefully in her neighborhood.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Neighbor
      • Car Accident
      00
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    • What do you throw a drowning guitarist?

      An emergency floatation device.

      Tags:
      • Drowning
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    • Why did the white comedian get booed off stage?

      Because his jokes were humorless and offensive.

      Tags:
      • Comedian
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    • Why do catholic priests enjoy the company of boys?

      Because they must remain celibate and cannot have children of their own.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      • Children
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because he was being herded into a slaughter house to be killed, then packaged and shipped out to restaurant venders all across the country.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Restaurant
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    • Why did the old lady start crying?

      Because her daughter was raped and killed.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
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    • What did Grandma give her grandson Billy for Christmas?

      Scarring memories of sexual abuse.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      To mourn the loss of his daughter who died due a fatal car crash, caused by him while he was driving. across the street

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Daughter
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    • Why was the blonde so dumb?

      Because she wasn't properly educated.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Mother
      00
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    • Why did the prestigious college accept the Native American student?

      Trick question, Native Americans don't exist anymore.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Why are you worrying about the chicken? You just got shot.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What did the homeless man buy with a dollar?

      Nothing. He didn't have a dollar.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
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    • how many fish does it take to turn on a lightbulb

      None, lightbulbs don't work in the ocean

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Well, in fact, the "road" in this joke symbolizes the Mexican/American border. The chicken's real name is Esteban Jimenez and he crossed the "road" to reach his family on the other side so he can start his life over. In addition to this, Esteban's real dream was to establish a 401k and possibly go to law school so he could begin his own law firm.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • What do you call a black man with a gun?

      A police officer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • How do you occupy a blonde for hours ?

      Give her a long list of stuff to do.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do African Americans and Doorknobs have in common?

      Before the Emancipation Proclamation was passed, neither was free. Doorknobs still aren't free.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Why did the cop pull over the car full of black people?

      Because, they were going 65 in a 35 mile per hour speed limit zone, Which is against the law.

      Tags:
      • Police
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    • Why were there four married men in one room without their pants on?

      because it was the mens bathroom.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
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    • What's worse than tripping over a tree root?

      The destruction of the ancient city of Pompeii in A.D. 79.

      Though tripping over a tree root may hurt and result in the victim bleeding profusely, we live in the 21st century and at any time can call a doctor using a cellular device called a phone.

      In A.D. 79, no technology in this category existed. People were overpowered by the rage of a mountain that they believed was a sign of the wrath of the heavens. People had to flee the city and a majority of them we killed by either inhaling to much smoke or other causes. This continued for over 18 hours.

      Therefore, the destruction of Pompeii is far worse than tripping over a tree root.

      Tags:
      • Blood
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    • what did the rooster get for his birthday?

      nothing

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • What did grandma receive for her 75th birthday?

      Alzheimer's.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the Mexican get into the U.S.A.?

      He came in legally, and got his green card. He then continued his life as a business man and won the lottery four years later for 5 million dollars. He then bought a cool television, he also had children and put the money in their college funds later.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lottery
      • Business
      • Children
      • Television
      00
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    • Why didn't the man get to see his family on Christmas?

      He was blind.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Why did the black man have blood on his hands?

      He was a surgeon

      Tags:
      • Surgery
      00
      Permalink
    • How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Ten. One to actually screw it in, and nine to stand around and say, "I can do it better."

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
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    • Why did Suzy not eat her breakfast?

      because I stapled her to the table.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      It's really irrelevant when you realize this joke is about a suicidal chicken...

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • Why did Suzie fall of the swing?

      Because Suzie was a cucumber.

      Tags:
      • Cucumber
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you confuse a blonde? Try and teach her the finer points of Quantum Physics without allowing her to take any notes, and then test her on it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is invisible and smells like bananas?

      Monkey Farts.

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because its dopaminergic neurons fired synchronously across the synapses of its caudate nucleus, triggering motor contractions propelling the organism forward, while emitting 'cluck' distress signals, to a goal predetermined by its hippocampal road mappings.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Wanna go for a bike ride?

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Why did the old man order the little girl into the car?

      Because he was her grandfather.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
      00
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    • why did the chicken cross the road?

      why don't you just stay out of his personal life?

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a taxi driver eating on a gourmet restaurant?

      A taxi driver.

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Johnny say to the black man when he saw him buying a watermelon?

      Nothing, Johnny is mute.

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • What did the Iraqi Suicide bomber bring on the airplane?

      His Kindle, he enjoys reading books

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
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    • What did the Dyslexic man write on his Christmas card?

      Merry Christmas

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blind boy get for his birthday?

      He doesn't know

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the lawyer get for Christmas?

      More paper work

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
      -They are both perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blind, deaf, quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?

      Cancer.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde driver crossed the red light?

      Because she has a good notion of physics and realized that the truck that was behind her was too fast to stop in time and if she braked there could have been an accident.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What did the blind, deaf, mute child get for Christmas?

      Leukemia

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Mexican guy run to the hospital?

      Because it was faster than walking.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because chickens do not possess the mental capacity to grasp the idea of "roads"

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What's the similarity between a grape and an elephant?

      Both are purple except for the elephant.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
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    • Why did the butcher have blood on his hands? He murdered his daughter.

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      • Daughter
      00
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    • Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
      Because it was dead.

      Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
      Because it was attached to the first elephant.

      Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
      Peer pressure.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
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    • Why did the horse fall over?

      Because I shot it

      Tags:
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you say when your hot chocolate is to hot?

      This hot chocolate is too hot.

      Tags:
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the little orphan boy get for Christmas?

      Nothing because he had died six months prior to Christmas due to the horrible living conditions of the orphanage.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the black man cross the road?

      To show the chicken that it isn't that hard.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the recently released criminal get for his birthday?

      a nice sweater

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the mute boy get for his birthday?

      I don't know he didn't tell me

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the pirate's favorite letter?

      Z.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the golfer do on his vacation?

      He played golf.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Vacation
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      To see if he can make before the car hits him.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the elephant cross the road?

      It escaped the zoo.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for his birthday?

      A basketball.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What do kittens and napkins have in common?

      You can sneeze into both of them except the kitten doesn't like it

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Peer pressure and drugs.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the boy miss the school bus?

      He died in his sleep

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?
      Because he has an abusive farmer and needs to get away before it gets any worse.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What's worse than finding out you have genital herpes?

      Finding out your grandmother gave them to you

      Tags:
      • Grandmother
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      It was being chased by a predator and crossing the road led it away from it's pursuer.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • How many drunk Irishmen did it take to change the lightbulb?

      None, the bulb was fine.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • why did the chicken cross the road?

      It's a chicken giving it the tendencies to wander if not properly fenced in.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the little boy doing in the deep end of the swimming pool?

      Drowning.

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      • Swimming
      00
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    • How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      Only one, but he may forget to finish the task due to his Alzheimer's.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 12 ghosts?

      A bus accident.

      00
      Permalink
    • What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

      A Carrot.

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
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    • What did santa say to the little girl on Christmas Eve?

      Santa isn't real, but pedophiles are.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a hockey puck, and an African child? They're both black, but usually African children aren't round!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • What do you call a black person with one leg?

      In modern American society, it is proper etiquette to address somebody by their first name.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • What's the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat???

      His wheelchair

      Tags:
      • Wheelchair
      00
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    • Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the astronaut, the olympic diver, the mcdonald's employee, and the web designer?

      Neither did I...

      Tags:
      • Rabbi
      • McDonalds
      • Office
      00
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    • What did the cat say when it jumped into the cardboard box?

      Meow

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the priest say to the rabbi?

      "Hey Joe, how's the family?"

      Tags:
      • Rabbi
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the cow say to the farmer?

      'Moo.'

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because he clearly has an owner that doesn't fence him in.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      The undeveloped cerebral cortex vital for comprehending irony left the chicken incapable of finding humor or possibly feeling self-disgust in the acknowledgment that it had just wandered across said road, this being a grandfathered human jest.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What did Sarah Palin say as she gazed to the West?

      "I really wish my daughter hadn't gotten pregnant."

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Sarah Palin
      00
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    • How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your house?

      You could ask a neighbor, or check to see if anything has been missing, or set up a camera. There are actually many ways.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      • France
      00
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    • Why did the boy fall off his bike?

      Because he didn't have arms.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because it is common to find chickens and other wild and/or domesticated animals roaming through the streets in a multitude of countries.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Johnny fall off his bike?

      He was shot.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      I don't know, go ask the chicken.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between you and Chuck Norris?

      You're reading this and he's probably doing something productive.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Bert go to the doctor?

      He had an appointment.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the boy with no legs get for Christmas?

      A nice sweater.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the airplane crash?

      The pilot was a tomato.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • why did the train not make it to the station?

      it crashed and killed everybody on board.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the fish look like a human?

      Because it was a person, drowning.

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Africans get for dinner?

      Nothing.

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • what's red and goes up and down?

      a tomato in an elevator

      Tags:
      • Elevator
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do black people eat fried chicken?

      Because they're humans and many humans enjoy the savory taste of fried chicken.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did they name the cat Salty?

      I have no idea, ask his owner

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a black man who sells drugs?

      A pharmacist.

      Tags:
      • Pharmacy
      00
      Permalink
    • how do you make a cat blink?

      strike him with a hammer.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the one about the blonde who went to the grocery store?

      She walked in, purchased the items that she specified on her shopping list, then left and went to her daughter's piano recital.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      • Blonde
      • Daughter
      • Shopping
      00
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    • What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?

      Cancer

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the working mother get her son for Christmas?

      Empty promises.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the hamster run around the wheel.?

      Because he lived in a small cage and had nothing better to do.

      Tags:
      • Small town
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the little crippled boy get for his birthday?

      He's an orphan so he doesn't know his birthday.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you mix a dog with speeding bus?

      Nothing, you can't mix those two things.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the black man walk into KFC?

      He was terribly hungry and had a reasonable amount of currency with him to purchase food for his well being.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Iraqi man steering the plane?

      a pilot, you racist.

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you put an elephant in a taxi?

      You open the door, make sure the elephant is seated comfortably, and close the door.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • How many blondes does it take to walk into a bar?

      One I guess. I don't know if I understand the question.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

      One's fun to smash with a sledgehammer. The other one's a watermelon

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

      Neil Armstrong was the first one to walk on the moon...

      and Michael Jackson molested little children.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Neil Armstrong
      • Michael Jackson
      00
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    • Why did the used car salesman stop selling cars?

      He got fired.

      Tags:
      • Salesman
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

      They're both purple, except for the rabbit.

      Tags:
      • Rabbit
      00
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    • How do you drown a blonde?

      Hold their head under water.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the blonde woman sell her water skis? She was in a horrible accident and will never walk again.

      00
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    • What do you call it when a black man and a japanese woman get married?

      A wedding.

      Tags:
      • Japan
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    • What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree? - "Get down"

      Tags:
      • Farmer
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    • Why did the boy pick up the baseball?

      He wanted to play baseball.

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      00
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    • How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      If you need an electrician to screw in a lightbulb, you're a moron.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Electricity
      00
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    • what did the cat say to the potato?

      meow

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • What do George Washington, JFK and Hillary Clinton have in common?

      They've never been to my house.

      Tags:
      • Hillary Clinton
      • George Washington
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    • Why did the chicken walk into Mordor?

      It didn't. One does not simply walk into Mordor.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Chicken
      00
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    • whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

      ones delicious and the other is a watermelon

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • How did Peter Parker tell his uncle that he was Spiderman?

      He didn't because he was already dead.

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      00
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    • what do an elephant, a fish hook, and a spaceship have in common?

      absolutely nothing

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
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    • Why can't black people swim?

      Because most African American individuals grow up in inner urban cities where they have little or no access to swimming facilities.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Swimming
      00
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    • Did you hear about the black guy who got into college?

      Actually, there are nearly 10,00 African Americans who get accepted into college every year. This specific black male is notable because of his stellar grades and his activity in his community.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping off a cliff?

      Mass suicide

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • What do a duck and a bike have in common? They both have handle bars except for the duck

      Tags:
      • Duck
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?
      It was dead.
      Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
      It was stapled to the first one.
      Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
      Peer Pressure.
      Why did Bobby fall off his bike?
      He was hit by 4 squirrels
      Why did bobby die?
      He was hit by a bus

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
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    • How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      One.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the Chicken cross the road?

      Actually it couldn't even walk because of all the hormones they injected into it in order to genetically enhance it's size and flavor.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • Did you hear about the anorexic with the yeast infection? Apparently she's really good at math, and if she can overcome her afflictions she wants to become an accountant one day.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

      An Irish wedding is the celebration of two people joining in matrimony, and an Irish funeral is a somber remembrance of a deceased person.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
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    • What do you call an Arab flying a plane over New York?

      The Pilot.

      Tags:
      • New York
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    • what do you do when you forget to do your math homework?

      kill your teacher

      Tags:
      • Homework
      00
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    • How many polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      -One

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Did you hear about the dyslexic eye chart maker?

      His disability caused to him to have a difficult time at work and his production suffered because of this.

      Tags:
      • Dyslexia
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    • what do you call a fat black cat and a skinny white dog? Just two animals that are judged.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because a random biological stimulus compelled it to.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What's the difference between a duck?

      I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of water fowl.

      Tags:
      • Duck
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    • Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.

      Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first koala.

      Why did the man fall of his bike? He was struck with a falling koala.

      Why did the fish fall of its bike? Because it's a fish.

      What is fuzzy and might kill you if it falls on you? A pool table.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
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    • Did you hear the one about the man who went into the jungle wearing nothing but leopard print underwear?

      He was suffering from psychogenic fugue disorder and had no idea who or where he was. He was eventually eaten alive by a flesh-eating centipede. When his wife found out, she committed suicide.

      Tags:
      • Jungle
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    • what do babies and prostitutes have in common

      they will both cry if you hit them with a brick

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
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    • What did the blonde do when she reached the traffic lights?

      She stopped, as the lights were red.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Driving
      00
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    • How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

      One.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Why did the bus driver tell the black man to get to the back of the bus?

      Because all the seats up front were full and its dangerous to stand in a moving vehicle

      Tags:
      • Bus Driver
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    • What do you call a black man that is working on a farm?

      A farmer.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
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    • What did the black kid get for Christmas?

      Your bike.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Christmas
      00
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    • What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?

      A visit from the Make a Wish Foundation and the opportunity to see her favorite band in concert. Unfortunately, she was very ill from the chemotherapy, and was unable to really enjoy herself at the concert. She passed away several days later, surrounded by family and friends.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

      Their middle name.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      00
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    • What's the difference between a turtle and a horse?

      The horse has no shell.

      Tags:
      • Horse
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    • Why couldn't Katie ride a bike?

      Because she has leprosy.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • What did the school bully get for his birthday?

      Beaten by his alcoholic father. Children are a product of their environment and his father's abusive nature towards his son forced the young boy to act out in class giving him the reputation of a bully.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Birthday
      • Children
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    • what is the biggest lie in the universe?

      -click to enter only if you are 18

      Tags:
      • Universe
      00
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    • Why did the blonde kid lose the spelling bee?

      Because she misspelled a word.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Spelling
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    • What happens to koala bears when the forests of Australia catch on fire?

      They burn.

      Tags:
      • Australia
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      To escape the overwhelming feeling of self doubt created by an abusive drug addicted father which has left him seeking life threatening situations that should never befall a simple chicken.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • How do you get a baby out of a blender?

      Call the police and have them deal with the tragedy.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

      Thomas and David after his father and grandfather.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
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    • What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a cheetah?

      Don't do that, I'm pretty sure it's illegal for several reasons.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
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    • How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

      One, possibly two if the lightbulb is high up and someone has to hold the ladder.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • How do you kill a blonde?

      Stab her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross some eggs and some toast?

      Breakfast.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
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    • How do you know that god was a male?

      You don't, that's why it's called faith.

      Tags:
      • God
      00
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    • What did the poor sickly orphan get for Christmas?

      Nothing.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • what did the schizophrenic get for his birthday?

      new friends

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

      A warm meal thanks to a Charity organization.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde with one leg?

      Heather Mills

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Whats funny with two wheels?

      A kid falling off his bike.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • What do call a black piano player?

      A pianist.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      00
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    • What did the one legged homeless person get for Christmas?

      Frostbite.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?
      to get to the other side.

      Knock knock?
      Who's there?
      the Chicken.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What is it called when a male and a male are together.

      A relationship

      Tags:
      • Relationship
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    • What did the redneck say to the Muslim?

      Nothing, he is too blinded by racial hatred and ignorance after terrorist attacks on the U.S to speak with him despite having common interests, such as baseball.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • Baseball
      00
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    • How do you kill a blonde woman?

      Stab her in the stomach so all the acidic contents of her stomach slowly burn her flesh.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a dead baby and a Cadillac? A Cadillac is a car, and a dead baby is a morose and disgusting topic of internet humor.

      Tags:
      • Internet
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    • What did 6 say to 7?

      Nothing, numbers are abstract concepts thought up by humans and therefore, they cannot speak or converse in any sort of language.

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
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    • What do Tom Cruise and Santa Claus have in common?

      They are both are fat and have beards, except for Tom Cruise.

      Tags:
      • Tom Cruise
      • Santa
      00
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    • Why did the man float in the lake?

      Because he was dead.

      Tags:
      • Fishing
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?

      George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.

      Tags:
      • President
      • George W. Bush
      • United States
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    • What did the catholic priest say to the little boy?

      Nothing sexual, that kind of behavior isn't as widespread as people think.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
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    • How many eco-friendly people does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Nobody knows because fluorescent lightbulbs last 6 to 12 years longer than an incandescent lightbulb.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • What do the pope and an orange have in common?

      They're both fruits. Except for the pope.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      00
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    • What do you call a white guy with a taller black woman?

      A man in a deeply committed relationship.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
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    • How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Watermelons don't have feet.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • How many aborigines does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None. They have no idea what electricity is.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Electricity
      00
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    • what do you do if you catch syphilis from a Swedish prostitute?

      seek the help of a medical professional.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
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    • How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

      One.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
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    • what did the catholic priest say to the boy?

      god be with you.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
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    • Why did the blonde shoot her dog?

      Because it had rabies

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why couldn't Sally ride her bike?

      because Sally has Cerebral Palsy.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Generally one, but as the situation varies so does the number.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
      Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
      Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
      "Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Daughter
      • Cigarette
      • Furniture
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    • How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      It's a trick question: feminists can't change anything.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

      He was weird.

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
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    • How many bodies can you stuff into a oven?

      Who tries figure that out? I'm calling the cops.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • what do you get if you take the head off a duck and a monkey, and swap them over to the other bodies.

      2 dead animals and quite a lot of mess

      Tags:
      • Duck
      • Monkey
      00
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    • What did the pirate say when his parrot died?

      Nothing. They both died at the same time in a horrible shipwreck. There were no survivors.

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
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    • What do you call an arab terrorist with a bomb on his back in the middle of an airport?

      Don't even worry. You will never be able to pronounce his name.

      Tags:
      • Airport
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a duck with a cat?

      You can't. The current state of genetic engineering will not allow avian DNA and mammalian DNA to be combined.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • DNA
      • Duck
      00
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    • How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Why should his legal status matter at all in this situation?

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A girl who really needs to see the doctor.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because you touch yourself at night.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Black people love chicken?

      Because it is delicious.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • what do an elephant and a grape have in common?

      One of them is purple.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Blonde who jumped off a bridge?

      She died.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a duck?

      An armchair, because a vest has no sleeves.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you fit an elephant inside your car?

      Starve it to death then chop it in pieces.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

      Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

      Tags:
      • Grenade
      • Bathroom
      00
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    • How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

      You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

      Tags:
      • France
      00
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    • Why did the man fall off his bike?

      I threw a fridge at him

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between an American and a Frenchman?

      The language they speak.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Language
      • France
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the black kid get for Christmas?

      Probably not too much considering the socio-economic climate present in the majority of African American communities in our country.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one Japanese man say to the other?

      I'm not quite sure. I only took one year of Japanese in high school.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      • High School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 2 Mexicans playing baseball?

      It depends on what the name of each individual is.

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you kill a blonde?

      Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you call a black man on a bike?

      A hard-working individual who found a steady job and earned enough money to buy a bicycle of his own which he rides to and from his job because he is healthy, doesn't like to waste money on gas, and doesn't like the pollution automobiles put into the air.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • What do you call a black guy who is selling drugs?

      A pharmacist.

      Tags:
      • Pharmacy
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the catholic priest say at the AA meeting?

      Alcohol is ruining my life.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Grandma give little Ben for Christmas?

      Nothing.She died on Thanksgiving day.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • why did the chicken cross the road?

      because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. the chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. if the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
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    • What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping out of a plane?

      A world record sky diving group, and an improbably large aircraft.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you stop a bus? Throw small children in front of it.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      The farmer left the fence open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      • Chicken
      00
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    • Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?

      Tax evasion.

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?

      Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?

      When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, "that's a nice car," but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, "OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!" I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
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    • How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      one. he was an electrician

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lightbulb
      • Electricity
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the woman leave the kitchen?

      She had just prepared her breakfast and was late for her full-time job as a firefighter.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

      Because it was dead.

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

      To get to the other side!

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      • Alzheimers
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you stop a black person from drowning?

      You toss him a flotation device.

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

      A horrible boating accident.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken commit suicide?

      To get to the other side

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you kill a blonde?

      Well there are many ways, but all of which are wrong because murder is illegal.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

      Repeated absences and stealing.

      Tags:
      • Stealing
      00
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    • Why do black people eat fried chicken?

      Because it tastes good.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

      Cancer.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

      " I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"

      Tags:
      • Universe
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the smallest part of a FIAT?

      The owners brain.

      Tags:
      • Brain
      00
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    • What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?

      At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      • Marriage
      00
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    • How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      None, that's a Facilities problem.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

      They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      00
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    • What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

      His wife is good at picking out clothes.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a mushroom?

      The place they store school food!

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

      So men can tell if they are coming or going.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Semen
      • Coming
      • Urination
      00
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    • Who invented King Arthur's round table?

      Sir Cumference!

      00
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    • Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

      Samson. He brought the house down.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

      Lazy.

      Tags:
      • Lazy
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

      When you see teeth marks.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Teeth
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are men like commercials?

      You can't believe a word they say.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

      There's whiteout on the screen.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

      Tags:
      • Police
      • McDonalds
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best revenge when another woman steals your husband?

      Let her keep him.

      00
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    • Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

      So men can remember them.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an intelligent man in America?

      A tourist.

      Tags:
      • Tourist
      • America
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?

      Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!

      Tags:
      • Blood
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of a minor second?

      Two violists playing in unison.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?

      Rust in peace!

      Tags:
      • Battle
      00
      Permalink
    • How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

      Tags:
      • Economist
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?

      Neither, they both burn shorter!

      Tags:
      • Candle
      00
      Permalink
    • What travels around the world and stays in a corner?

      A stamp.

      Tags:
      • Mail
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

      They're too hard to peel.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

      They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Stamp
      • Post Office
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men believe in paternity tests?

      Because the sample is taken from their finger.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get out of an elephant?

      Run around until you're all pooped out!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus?

      Claustrophobic!

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the first rule of scuba diving?

      Don't fart in your wet suit.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?

      Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Diaper
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?

      Vibrato.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

      Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Fire
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

      A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard the joke about the skunk?

      Never mind. It stinks!

      Tags:
      • Skunk
      00
      Permalink
    • Where can you find a good lawyer?

      In the cemetery.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Cemetery
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

      Put the remote control between his toes.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do hummingbirds hum?

      Because they forgot the words!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How is an apple like a lawyer?

      They both look good hanging from a tree.

      Tags:
      • Tree
      • Apple
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's invisible and smells like carrots?

      Bunny farts!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?

      Divorce him.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Ugly
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the most common pregnancy craving?

      For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

      They already have boyfriends.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Boyfriend
      • Sensitive
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a man consider a seven course meal?

      A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Meal
      • Hot dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between pizza and pussy?

      You can eat the crust off of pizza.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

      Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

      We don't know. Never happens.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Toilet
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common?

      They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.

      Tags:
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the ocean say to the beach?

      Nothing - it just waved!

      Tags:
      • Beach
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new Drink at the bar?

      It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.

      Tags:
      • Osama Bin Laden
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

      They are married.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Men
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Dolly Parton have such tiny feet?

      Nothing grows in the shade.

      Tags:
      • Dolly Parton
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?

      Roost beef!

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

      Not enough sand.

      Tags:
      • Beach
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What do pie's and babies have in common?

      They both have berries.

      Tags:
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

      A pimp.

      Tags:
      • Sheep
      • Farmer
      • Alabama
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

      Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a positively charged pussy-cat?

      A CATion.

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

      They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

      Tags:
      • Texas
      • Coffin
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?

      Your wife always blows your bonus.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

      1) The viola burns longer.
      2) The viola holds more beer.
      3) You can tune the violin.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Viola
      • Violin
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a man like the weather?

      Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

      Tags:
      • Change
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pit bull?

      Lipstick!

      Tags:
      • Lipstick
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

      You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Porsche
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

      A brick layer!

      Tags:
      • Brick
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?

      A microwave stops when you open the door.

      Tags:
      • Microwave
      • George Michael
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother in Law?

      Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother in Law doesn't know the difference.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      • George Washington
      00
      Permalink
    • What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

      They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the last thing Dodi said to Diana?

      "You look smashing!"

      Tags:
      • Smashing
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?

      Put a pile of manure in the living room!

      Tags:
      • Kitchen
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do high school choruses travel so often?

      Keeps assassins guessing.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Assassin
      • High School
      00
      Permalink
    • What was Camelot famous for?

      It's knight life!

      Tags:
      • Knight
      • Camelot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?

      If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!

      Tags:
      • Bug
      • Windows
      • Software
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

      Professional courtesy.

      Tags:
      • Shark
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

      1) No mind.
      2) No business.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Business
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the leper cowboy?

      He threw his leg over his horse!

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?

      Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bee say to the flower?

      Hello honey!

      Tags:
      • Bee
      • Flower
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

      Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

      Tags:
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?

      To see what was on the other side.

      Tags:
      • Wall
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

      1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
      2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't a bike stand up for itself?

      Because it's two tired.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Sheriff of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?

      That was an arrow escape!

      Tags:
      • Fired
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do when your chair breaks?

      Call a chairman.

      Tags:
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do birds fly south for winter?

      Because it's too far to walk!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of bird can carry the most weight?

      The crane!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

      Sell it and buy a violin.

      Tags:
      • Violin
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

      Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Men
      • Clitoris
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

      One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

      Pregnant.

      Tags:
      • Brain
      • Blonde
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between men and women?

      A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

      A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?

      Tags:
      • Killing
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his company, "Microsoft"?

      He pulled down his underwear and looked in the mirror.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      • Bill Gates
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?

      Geometry!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

      She ran away from the ball.

      Tags:
      • Basketball
      • Cinderella
      00
      Permalink
    • What do blondes and turtles have in common?

      When they are on their backs they are screwed.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Turtle
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you teach a blonde maths?

      Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do men sort their laundry?

      "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Laundry
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a parrot to speak?
      Put it on an 89 bus.

      [Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?

      I don't know, I've never seen either one.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Alien
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?

      The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

      Tags:
      • Prayer
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

      Slow down and use a lubricant.

      Tags:
      • Smoking
      • Lubricant
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

      The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Alcohol
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

      Beethoven's First Movement.

      Tags:
      • Piano
      • Beethoven
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. Amish don't believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Amish
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?

      Only the first one can make you smile.

      Tags:
      • Germany
      • Comedian
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

      For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Men
      • Women
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are men like popcorn?

      They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Popcorn
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None. The invisible hand does it.

      Tags:
      • Economist
      • Lightbulb
      • Conservative
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Eve want to move to New York?

      She fell for the Big Apple!

      Tags:
      • New York
      00
      Permalink
    • What do elephants use as tampons?

      Sheep!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?

      Shout "Bingo!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

      There was a face off in the corner.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why did they stop the leper football game?

      There was a handoff behind the line of scrimmage.

      Tags:
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between baseball and law?

      In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

      Tags:
      • Law
      • Baseball
      • Stealing
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

      Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Santa
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did everybody leave Hungry Jacks?

      Because somebody dropped a Whopper!

      Tags:
      • Body
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?

      An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Florida
      • Election
      • Unemployed
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

      God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Bible
      • Car
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken go to the seance?

      To get to the other side!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know that the bartender doesn't like you?

      Your bloody mary has a string hanging out of it.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bloody Mary
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?

      One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine, the other got assassinated.

      Tags:
      • Bill Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

      A vampire only sucks blood at night.

      Tags:
      • Blood
      • Lawyer
      • Vampire
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?

      At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

      A poultry-geist.

      Tags:
      • Ghost
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between government bonds and men?

      Bonds mature.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

      He buys two cases of beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Future
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a gay guy on roller skates? RollAIDES.

      00
      Permalink
    • What games do elephants play with ants?

      Squash!

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

      His lips are moving.

      Tags:
      • Lip
      • Lying
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How many men does it take to open a beer?

      None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Beer
      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?

      An independant!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

      You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

      A walkie talkie!

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

      Tyrannosaurus Tex.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • How long is the average woman in labor?

      Whatever she says divided by two.

      Tags:
      • Labor
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?

      Multipliers!

      00
      Permalink
    • Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

      Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Bible
      • Women
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do cows have bells?

      Because their horns don't work.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?

      He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men cook at home?

      No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Cooking
      • Steak
      • Cooking
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?

      An animal that stinks and stings!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your salad?

      Finding half a caterpillar!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

      It takes too long to retrain them.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Coffee
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

      When the power goes off.

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • What did God say after creating Adam?

      I can do better.

      Tags:
      • God
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get your dishwasher to work?

      Slap her!

      Tags:
      • Dishwasher
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a man with half a brain?

      Gifted.

      Tags:
      • Brain
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic?

      You know how many men went down on the titanic.

      00
      Permalink
    • What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?

      They both came from France in a wooden box.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • France
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a man's idea of foreplay?

      A half hour of begging.

      Tags:
      • Foreplay
      00
      Permalink
    • whats got 100 legs and 4 teeth? the methadone queue in HMP style prison

      00
      Permalink
    • How can you delay milk turning sour?

      Keep it in the cow.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
      2) The light bulb cannot be changed - it has to be smashed.

      Tags:
      • Revolution
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

      No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!

      00
      Permalink
    • How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Ten. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Alcohol
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a coffin and a condom have in common?

      They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.

      Tags:
      • Coffin
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

      Bugs Bunny.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      • Rabbit
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the biggest ant in the world?

      An eleph-ant!

      00
      Permalink
    • What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

      A blackboard.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men want their brides to wear white?

      Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Dishwasher
      00
      Permalink
    • What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

      You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      • Alien
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do hurricanes and women have in common?

      When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Women
      • Hurricane
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Hillary and Bill?

      Hillary doesn't get caught!

      00
      Permalink
    • How do men exercise on the beach?

      By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Beach
      • Bikini
      • Exercise
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?

      "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Pet
      • Book
      • China
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one lab rat say to the other?

      I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Rat
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the light say when it was turned off?

      I'm delighted.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the stadium cold?

      Because it was full of fans!

      Tags:
      • Cold
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't Chickens Play Basketball?

      There Would Be Too Many Fowls.

      Tags:
      • Basketball
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

      Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Car
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?

      Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.

      Tags:
      • Bomb
      • President
      • Atomic bomb
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
      2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Feminism
      00
      Permalink
    • What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

      Diana can't stop either.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Common
      • Hunger
      • Mercedes
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God create man before woman?

      He didn't want any advice!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

      The bucket.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the best thing about a blow job?

      Ten minutes silence.

      00
      Permalink
    • How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
      2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
      3) All of them.

      Tags:
      • Borg
      • Change
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men fart louder than women?

      Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Fart
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

      Shine a flashlight in her ear.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Flashlight
      00
      Permalink
    • How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?

      Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Popcorn
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because there was a hot chick on the other side!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • What do men and beer bottles have in common?

      They are both empty from the neck up!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Beer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

      No one cries when you cut up a viola.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      • Crying
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

      Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.

      Tags:
      • Wall
      • Common
      • Lady Diana
      • Pink Floyd
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of happiness?

      Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother in Law's picture on a milk carton!

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

      One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Childbirth
      00
      Permalink
    • How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

      Both of them.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Dishes
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • How does bob marley like his donuts?

      With jamin!

      Tags:
      • Donut
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the energizer battery take a shortcut through the Twilight Zone?

      Because he had to Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do; and he kept going and going and going.

      Tags:
      • Battery
      • Twilight
      00
      Permalink
    • How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

      Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      • Lightning
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room?

      A full set of teeth.

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      • Kentucky
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are women so bad at mathematics?

      Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Math
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

      Poke her face!

      Tags:
      • Crying
      • Lady Gaga
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

      E.T. phoned home.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a man like a snowstorm?

      Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do hens lay eggs?

      If they dropped them, they'd break!

      00
      Permalink
    • What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

      They both wriggle when you eat them.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

      A battery has a positive side.

      Tags:
      • Battery
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

      An airbag.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What animal is best at math?

      Rabbits, they multiply fastest!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is the world's fastest chicken from?

      Ethiopia!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Ethiopia
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Cucumber
      • Suspicion
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

      Because they taste funny!

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men do laundry?

      Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Laundry
      00
      Permalink
    • What do dolphins and men have in common?

      They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.

      Tags:
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the blondes' belly button sore?

      Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Boyfriend
      • Belly button
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

      Footprints in the butter.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?

      One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      • Microsoft
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

      There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Bigfoot
      • Sightings
      • Intelligence
      00
      Permalink
    • What pillar doesn't need holding up?

      A caterpillar!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a blonde on the roof?

      Tell her drinks are on the house.

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      • House
      • Blonde
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

      One-two, one-two, one-two.

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

      The bow is moving.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a bees favourite flower?

      A bee-gonias!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

      Marriage.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

      It was stuck to the leg of a chicken!

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?

      Next to the canteen!

      00
      Permalink
    • Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

      So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Blonde
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?

      Into a re-tail store!

      00
      Permalink
    • How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

      Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?

      They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Jewelry
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

      When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      00
      Permalink
    • How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

      If it's the flu, you'll get better.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Vomiting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
      Few leech jokes out there.
      Leeches only want your blood.
      A leech drops off you once you're dead.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

      To stop the snoring before it starts.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Killing
      00
      Permalink
    • Waiter: How did you find the meat, Sir? Patron: I just lifted up a potato chip and there it was.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

      The dog knows when to stop scratching.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

      1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
      2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?

      Because it was an early bird!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Worm
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men break wind more than women?

      Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do fish live in salt water?

      Because pepper makes them sneeze.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde leave an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

      In case visitors ask for black coffee.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dog with no legs?

      It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do cows go on Friday night?

      To the moo-vies.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a man and a messy room?

      You can straighten up a messy room.

      00
      Permalink
    • Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?

      David - He rocked Goliath to sleep.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Bible
      • Sleep
      • Babysitter
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best way to get to Paradise?

      Turn right and go straight.

      Tags:
      • Paradise
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a man different from a computer?

      You only have to tell the computer once.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

      You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

      Tags:
      • Shoe
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?

      That's how dogs spend their lives.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?

      He was too busy playing the harmonica.

      Tags:
      • Saxophone
      • Bill Clinton
      00
      Permalink
    • What's yellow and can't swim?

      A bulldozer!

      Tags:
      • Bulldozer
      00
      Permalink
    • whats the difference between a rottweiler and social services? you've got more chance getting your kids back of a rottweiler

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?

      The East Germans survived the wall.

      Tags:
      • Wall
      • Germany
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do if you miss your mother in Law?

      Reload and try again!

      Tags:
      • In law
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

      Big holes all over Australia!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      • Kangaroo
      • Australia
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

      Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a leper in a bath?

      Stew.

      Tags:
      • Bath
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?

      They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the leper say to the prostitute?

      Keep the tip.

      Tags:
      • Leper
      • Prostitution
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?

      The blonde works in the dark!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Calculator
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a man take a bubble bath?

      He eats beans for dinner.

      Tags:
      • Bath
      • Bean
      • Dinner
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?

      Because they have to repeat everything they say.

      00
      Permalink
    • What is the range of a Viola?

      As far as you can kick it.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you call a member of the financial staff of the faculty of Biology?

      A Buy-ologist.

      Tags:
      • Biology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

      Because chickens didn't exist yet.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

      Your job still sucks after 6 months.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How many men would it take to mop a floor?

      No one knows. They've never done it.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

      Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are pubic hairs curly?

      So you don't poke your eye out.

      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the turtle cross the road?

      To get to the Shell Station!

      Tags:
      • Turtle
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?

      Miss her. Pity her.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. They use candles.

      Tags:
      • Candle
      • Catholic
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't men often show their true feelings?

      Because they don't have any.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do prisoners use to call each other?

      Cell phones.

      Tags:
      • Brain
      • Jail
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you trap a polar bear?

      You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole.

      Tags:
      • Bear
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sheep with no legs?

      A cloud.

      Tags:
      • Cloud
      • Sheep
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did they stop the leper baseball game?

      The pitcher threw his arm out and the left fielder dropped a ball.

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      00
      Permalink
    • What's common between men and video?

      Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

      Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are married women heavier than single women?

      Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

      When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?

      Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?

      Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Number
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the circle say to the tangent line?

      Stop touching me!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?

      Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      • Electricity
      • Christopher Reeves
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?

      Mark it "solo".

      Tags:
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?

      The dog shuts up when you let it in.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't pygmies wear tampons?

      They keep stepping on the strings.

      00
      Permalink
    • What has no shape, you can't see it, travels fast, creates a sonicboom, and kills with deadly accuracy?

      Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...

      00
      Permalink
    • What is a man's idea of doing housework?

      Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

      Tags:
      • Clean
      • Vacuum
      • Housework
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

      One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
      2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

      Tags:
      • Actor
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Mexican with no car?

      Carlos!

      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

      So they can find their way back to the house

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Bird
      • Electricity
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men like love at first sight?

      It saves them a lot of time.

      Tags:
      • IRS
      • Men
      • Love
      • Time
      00
      Permalink
    • What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

      They both circle uranus and wipe out klingons!

      Tags:
      • Klingons
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the Oprah Winfrey Computer Virus programmed to do?

      To Quickly shrink your 200 megabytes into 80 megabytes and then slowly grow back to 200.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Oprah Winfrey
      00
      Permalink
    • How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

      We cook. They eat.
      We clean. They dirt.
      We iron. They wrinkle.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

      He wanted to win the no-bell prize!

      Tags:
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

      Damn!

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Wall
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you ever get straight A's?

      No, but I sometimes get crooked B's!

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

      A flat major.

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Major
      • Piano
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

      A roamin' Catholic!

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Catholic
      • Sleepwalking
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?

      1) So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
      2) If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      • Viola
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

      Princess Diana never became a queen of England.

      Tags:
      • Queen
      • England
      • Princess
      • Elton John
      • Lady Diana
      00
      Permalink
    • How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?

      In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.

      Tags:
      • Pervert
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the Princess cross the road?

      Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

      Tags:
      • Princess
      00
      Permalink
    • Which animal grows down?

      A duck!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

      Nuclear fission.

      Tags:
      • River
      • Radiation
      00
      Permalink
    • How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      They screw in hot tubs.

      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

      Some traffic signs say stop.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Traffic
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

      About three pounds, including the urn.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Weight
      00
      Permalink
    • What did God say after she made Eve?

      Practice makes perfect.

      Tags:
      • God
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't jesus play hockey?

      Because he's scared to get nailed to the boards.

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Hockey
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

      The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Lying
      • Salesman
      • Software
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

      You can park in the handicapped spots.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a man and a parrot?

      You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?

      The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?

      They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Lawyer
      • Terrorist
      00
      Permalink
    • What TV station do bees watch?

      Bee Bee C!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

      Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

      Tags:
      • Body
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

      Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

      00
      Permalink
    • How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. In Chernobyl, one holds the bulb and it glows by itself.

      Tags:
      • Chernobyl
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are guys like lava lamps?

      They're fun to watch, but not very bright!

      00
      Permalink
    • What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

      Kermit's Finger.

      Tags:
      • Miss Piggy
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't violists play hide and seek?

      Because no one will look for them.

      Tags:
      • Viola
      • Hide and seek
      00
      Permalink
    • What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?

      George Michael's latest release.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • George Michael
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

      Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

      Data transfer.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

      They won't stop to ask directions.

      Tags:
      • Egg
      • Semen
      • Directions
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

      Another lawyer.

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

      By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

      Tags:
      • Bomb
      • Viola
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a blonde kill a fish?

      She drowns it ...

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      • Blonde
      • Killing
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?

      "Grep ls awk chmod."
      "Mknod ksh tar imap."
      "Wall fsck yacc!"

      Tags:
      • Linux
      • Computer
      • Klingons
      00
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    • What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?

      One sells watches and the other watches cells.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

      Nothing, you already told her twice.

      Tags:
      • Black eye
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do they call it PMS?

      Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • PMS
      • Mad Cow Disease
      00
      Permalink
    • When was the longest day in the Bible?

      The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't women blink during foreplay?

      They don't have time.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Foreplay
      00
      Permalink
    • What do whales eat?

      Fish and ships.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

      There have been sightings of UFO's.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      • Blonde
      • Sightings
      00
      Permalink
    • How are men and parking spaces alike?

      The good ones are always taken and the free ones are either handicapped or extremely small.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the leper caught speeding?

      He couldn't take his foot off the accelerator.

      Tags:
      • Leper
      • Speeding
      00
      Permalink
    • what do you get if you cross water chestnuts with sugar wafers? cheap manna!

      Tags:
      • Water
      00
      Permalink
    • Why were males created before females?

      Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...

      00
      Permalink
    • Why shouldn't women be able to drive?

      There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Bedroom
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the worst animal to play cards with?

      A cheetah.

      Tags:
      • Cheetah
      • Playing Cards
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the homeless war veteran get for Christmas?

      Nothing. We don't treat our veterans very well.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      • Christmas
      • War Veteran
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?

      Nothing, he didn't make it that far.

      Tags:
      • Cancer
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

      Nothing.

      Tags:
      • Homeless
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the quickest way to mans heart?

      Chuck Norris's fist.

      Tags:
      • Heart
      • Anatomy
      • Chuck Norris
      11
      Permalink
    • What is red and tastes like blue paint?

      Red paint.

      Tags:
      • Paint
      00
      Permalink
    • Why shouldn't you let your pokemon in the bathroom while you shower?

      They might Pikachu.

      Tags:
      • Pikachu
      • Pokemon
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't Captain Ahab the get any sleep?

      Because of all the whaling.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Whale
      • Moby Dick
      • Captain Ahab
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does the king keep his armies?

      In his sleevies.

      Tags:
      • Army
      • King
      00
      Permalink
    • When does a car stop being a car?

      When it's driving down the road and turns into a driveway.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • What's E.T. short for?

      So he can fit into his spaceship.

      Tags:
      • Alien
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

      00
      Permalink
    • How do you organize a space party?

      You planet.

      Tags:
      • Planet
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the boxer like the pretty girl?

      Because she was a knockout!

      Tags:
      • Boxing
      • Pretty Girl
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a plumber cry?

      You kill his family.

      Tags:
      • Plumber
      01
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

      When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Golf
      • Lying
      • Sport
      01
      Permalink
    • What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?

      Nailing it to a dead puppy.

      Tags:
      • Dead Baby
      01
      Permalink
    • How many dead babies can you fit in a trash can?

      12.

      Tags:
      • Dead Baby
      01
      Permalink
    • What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?

      A zebra with a drum kit.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      01
      Permalink
    • What's funnier than a pile of dead babies?

      Pretty much everything because dead babies aren't a laughing matter

      Tags:
      • Dead Baby
      01
      Permalink
    • I have 7 legs, 5 eyes, and 9 arms. What am I?

      A liar.

      01
      Permalink
    • What is a difference between an accident and a tragedy?

      Suppose you are with the family are beside a pool, and you suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - that's an accident.

      If she can swim and gets out, that's a tragedy!

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      01
      Permalink
    • Why aren't Pakistani good at Football?

      Because every time they get a Corner, they open a shop.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Football
      01
      Permalink
    • Who was the first accountant?

      Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Accountant
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde spread peanut butter on the road?

      To go with the traffic jam!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Blonde
      • Traffic
      01
      Permalink
    • What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?

      A hermit crab.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      01
      Permalink
    • How are blondes like postage stamps?

      You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • Which rabbit is a famous comedian?

      Bob Hop.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      01
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines?

      He drew 100 cats on the paper.

      He thought the teacher had said lions.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Teacher
      01
      Permalink
    • Why is the Apple still reporting record profits from iPhone sales?

      Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      01
      Permalink
    • What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas?

      A red jellyfish.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      01
      Permalink
    • How do barmen surf the web?

      On the Gin-ternet.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      • Internet
      • Technology
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the Atheist cross the road?

      He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

      Tags:
      • Atheist
      • Science
      01
      Permalink
    • How do you know if your baby is dead?

      Your 3-year-old daughter has put on allot of weight in the last day or two.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Dark Humor
      • Dead Baby
      01
      Permalink
    • One dinosaur said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

      Another dinosaur said "A non-renewable resource!"

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      01
      Permalink
    • What do the latest Iphone 6 applications do?

      Whiten teeth and perform laser eye surgery!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      01
      Permalink
    • What's the quickest way to double your money?

      Fold it in half!

      Tags:
      • Money
      01
      Permalink
    • What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen?

      Eat out.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?

      A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      01
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house?

      His tricycle will be parked outside.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      01
      Permalink
    • What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals?

      F.B.I.

      Tags:
      • Alphabet
      01
      Permalink
    • Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?

      She was charged with rustling!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?

      He wanted rich milk!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you get from a cowmedian?

      Cream of Wit!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?

      Cold cream!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      01
      Permalink
    • How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

      Seventeen.

      One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      01
      Permalink
    • Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?

      No you can have turkey like everyone else!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Christmas
      01
      Permalink
    • How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?

      Tired.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      01
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?

      She wanted to get a dark tan.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • What does a clam do on his birthday?

      He shellabrates!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      01
      Permalink
    • What is your favourite type of birthday present?

      Another present!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      01
      Permalink
    • Where do birds meet for coffee?

      In a nest-cafe!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle?

      Bike carbonate of soda!

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      01
      Permalink
    • How do you get someone out of a chair?

      Hit him with a shovel.

      01
      Permalink
    • What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of milk?

      1%

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      01
      Permalink
    • Why do you never see any bugs in a church?

      Because they are in sects.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      01
      Permalink
    • Why was the middle aged computer sad?

      He had a floppy disc.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      01
      Permalink
    • Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

      They're afraid of change.

      Tags:
      • America
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

      A spokesperson.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?

      The designated driver.

      Tags:
      • Irish
      01
      Permalink
    • What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

      Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Internet
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      Because I was keeping his family at gun-point on the other side.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      01
      Permalink
    • how do you stop a black man from drowning

      take your foot off his head

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      01
      Permalink
    • What happens when you eat all the potatoes

      They are all gone

      Tags:
      • Potato
      01
      Permalink
    • What did the thief get for Christmas?

      Nothing. He was sentenced to the death penalty.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the kid get a bicycle for his birthday?

      Cause his father is a respectable parent who loves his child.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Birthday
      01
      Permalink
    • What did the pope say to the prostitute he passed in the street?

      Bath and Bodyworks are having a sale

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Prostitution
      01
      Permalink
    • What was Camelot?

      A place where people parked their camels!

      Tags:
      • Camel
      • Camelot
      01
      Permalink
    • How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Only one, but it takes millions of years.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      01
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

      Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

      Tags:
      • Love
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

      Branch Manager.

      Tags:
      • Tree
      • Blonde
      • Manager
      01
      Permalink
    • What is a drill team?

      A group of dentists who work together.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      02
      Permalink
    • What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath?

      Polly unsaturated!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      02
      Permalink
    • Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you.

      What should I pack it in?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      02
      Permalink
    • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

      - A woman that won't do what she's told.

      Tags:
      • Women
      02
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the Chinese guy who moved to America and turned white?

      He was really disoriented.

      Tags:
      • America
      02
      Permalink
    • Why did the chicken lay an egg?

      Because she got knocked up.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      02
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

      She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      02
      Permalink