How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.
What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?
The referee.
How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?
None. "He fell."
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
Haaaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!
What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?
Organic food
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
Why haven't we found aliens yet?
Because they are searching for intelligent life too.
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Why does Trump have small hands?
It makes it easier for him to pull information out of his ass.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3.
His left ear.
His right ear.
And the final frontier.
What does a grape say after it's stepped on?
Nothing... It just lets out a little wine.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
How do you describe all of Russian history?
But then it got worse.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
What makes a good tongue-twister?
Well, it's hard to say...
How do you know that an introvert likes you?
He looks at your shoes instead of his.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
What's Batman's favourite fruit?
Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.
How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?
A wouldpecker.
What's the difference between Trump and the Lannisters?
A Lannister always pays his debts.
What borders stupidity?
Mexico and Canada
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
What size underwear do feminists wear?
Double standard.
Why are there so many grammar nazis on the internet?
Because English majors don't have jobs.
What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other?
A color scheme.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
A church.
What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the battle.
When do S and C sound the same?
When it's necessary.
if Jesus died for sin...
...then who died for cos and tan?
Why was the computer tired when he got home?
Because he had a hard drive.
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?
Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?
He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals.
Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.
They say April showers bring May flowers, but what do Mayflowers bring?
Genocide.
Why are pirates such good singers?
Because they hit the high C's.
If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?
The United States of America
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?
We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
How do you kill a blonde?
You shoot her.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic.
Why did the French chef commit suicide?
He lost the huile d'olive.
Why doesn't Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?
Because of Mayweather.
What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Why does the pope not want to be cremated?
Because he is still alive.
Why do foot fetishists never win?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?
Fizzyscists
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?
Because one more would be two farty.
How will Trump's presidency end?
Someone will tell him Obama can hold his breath for 10 mins.
How do billboards communicate?
Sign language
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.
How do you get an art major off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza!
What's the biggest city in the United States?
Obesity.
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?
Minnesota.
What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.
What's the difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whiskey?
A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous, but a bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why do you never play hide and seek with mountains?
Mountains peak.
How did pirates communicate before the internet?
Pier to Pier Networking
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She can fit into your wife's clothes.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
What borders stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
What do Donald Trump the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
Women who are short are called "petite," But what are short men called?
Friends.
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
What's Canada's intelligence agency called?
The C.I. Eh
What is heavy forwards and not backwards?
ton
Why did the blind woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
What sex position creates the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What confuses an idiot?
Seven.
Where do theatrical dogs wear their gloves?
On their...
(Dramatic Paws)
Did you hear about the cannibal who ate an optimist?
He couldn't quite keep him down.
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?
An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
What sport do you play with a wombat?
Wom.
How is free healthcare like a good joke?
Americans don't get it.
How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell "Fuck"?
You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell "Bingo!"
What's the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Have you heard about Marx's tomb?
They say it's a Communist plot.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?
The polar bear.
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?
12 pirates.
How did the hipster burn his fingertips?
He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.
What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake?
Not MY fault.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?
Because they're all dead.
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to "Children in Need."
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Why is NTFS healthy?
Because it's FAT free.
What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey!
What is the colour of the Wind?
Blew.
Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well!
How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
They both have Greece on the bottom!
What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?
Five Guys
How can you tell the gender of an ant?
You put it in the water. If it sinks it's a girl ant, and if it floats, it's a buoyant.
What headphones does United Airlines use?
Beats by Dr.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.
Have you heard the one about the transgender vegan?
He was a her-before.
Why does Jesus hates playing video games?
Because it takes him three days to respawn
What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?
The wall-rus.
Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed?
She was tired of Putin's snoring.
Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?
Midlife Crisis.
Just one.
How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marxist.
When is the Bible accurate?
When it's thrown from a short distance.
What do you get if you spell man backwards?
Flashbacks.
"Siri, why am I still single?"
Siri activates front camera.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."
What was the world's first palindrome?
Madam, I'm Adam.
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice?
He was a sherbet!
What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
'Why are you crying, Ted?'
asked his mum.
'Because my new sneakers hurt.'
'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.'
'But they are the only feet I have.'
Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus?
She took the 22 twice instead.
What did the bicycle call its dad?
Pop-cycle
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
How come ants don't get sick?
...because they have lil' anty-bodies.
Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?
Because they're a little meteor.
What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?
Amanda Lynn
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.
What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?
The letter f.
What do you call a hacker who can see the future?
A 4chan teller.
Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?
Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.
What did the fat kid eat for dinner?
Salad, he's on a diet.
What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?
The knife has a point.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.
Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
What is big, yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw...
What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?
The infantry!
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the Ws.
Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?
Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
Who was the most racist president?
Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
What's the definition of "trust"?
Two cannibals doing 69.
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist?
Alien vs Predator
What do men and tile floors have in common?
...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?
It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?
To prevent Hispanic attacks
What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The farmer shucks between fits.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people?
A big wave
What do you get when you cross a lion with a rhinoceros?
A trip to the hospital and animal cruelty charges.
Why do African-American people like fried chicken and watermelon?
Because they are delicious food items.
What do you call a black man without a job?
A man disenfranchised by the failing American economy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't. It was struck by a car and killed instantly by the impact.
Why did the man with no arms fall of his bike?
Someone threw a washing machine at him.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?
what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
What do you call 100 John Deere's circling around McDonald's in Kentucky?
Prom Night.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!
What is the cheapest way to entertain?
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He thought it was a high school!
What's cannibalism?
Men eating pork.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A frostbite.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What type of bees produce milk?
Boobies!
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?
It's not very bright but it spreads easily.
How do aliens pay for their coffees?
With Starbucks!
What did the mother say when her son asked if he was ugly?
"I told you not to call me that in public!"
How warm is a janitor's closet?
Broom Temperature.
Did you know the first French fry wasn't cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "what would Jesus do?"
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?
For the beets.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas... But do they know what Den City is?
It's mass divided by volume.
Why do Americans still think they are in "The Greatest country in the world"?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?
Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
One, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods?
The satisfactory.
Why can't a leopard play hide and seek?
Because he's always spotted.
Why are crime rates down in the US?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
How does cheese get more mature?
Fromage.
What is the opposite of ladyfingers?
Mentos.
My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she wouldn't get a job.
I said, "Are you having an existential cry, sis?"
What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?
A bulldozer.
Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?
None of them make the sandwiches.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a "g" and it's gone
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza
A pizza can feed a family of four
Who drives away all of his customers?
A taxicab driver.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No ikea!
How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.
Why are dwarfs so good at math?
Because it's the little things that count.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A seizure salad.
What do you call a cloud's undergarments?
Thunderwear.
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well it depends on what you mean by change.
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
One. But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.
How many lonely men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he wishes it took two.
How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?
We're on our sixth.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?
No, you shouldn't eat your fingers at all!
What do you call a spider from Baghdad?
An Iraqnid.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Did you hear about the new French tank with 14 gears?
Thirteen go in reverse, but one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays just burn you up?"
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
Why is the Australian emergency line "000"?
Because it'll look the same when your phone is upside down.
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call cheese on steroids??
Shredded cheese.
Is it wrong to hate an entire race?
I just feel like humans were never meant to run 26 miles.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.
What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already?
Did Jesus ever get drunk?
I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
How do you measure a Lego man's shoe size?
In square feet.
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
What do you call a fat psychic.
A four-chin teller.
What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?
Ground beef.
How does Bono spell color?
With or without "u".
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A woman.
What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
How do you get a bass player off of your porch?
You pay for your pizza.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies?
An ambulance.
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane?
A pilot.
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?
Because 5 8 13!
Why did the doctor get angry?
Because he lost his patients.
What did the sea say to the river?
You can run but you can't tide!
What do you call someone with no body or nose?
Nobody knows.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?
Remorse code.
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.
One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some disgusting pink mouthwash.
What's the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you, too.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Eire O'Dynamic
If Jesus were still alive, what kind of car would he drive?
A Christler.
What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?
A happy meal.
Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?
He had to go to the Bat Room.
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?
Husband: Because by the time I get around to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say.
What has five fingers and isn't your hand?
My hand.
What has four wheels and can't support a family?
A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?
A cantaloupe.
What Jam can't you eat?
Traffic.
What's the number one cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp
What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?
Blacking out and gaining money.
What do you call a cheap wig?
A small price toupee.
Have you heard the joke about the kid who was deaf?
Neither has he.
This guy just tried to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me.
I said, "Hey, you wanna pizza me?!"
Did you hear about the narcoleptic hair stylist?
He dyed in his sleep.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because he isn't real.
What's the difference between hearing a joke and seeing a joke?
One involves a mirror.
What does a Chinese man need to take his dog out?
Oven mitts.
What do you call it when a dwarf waves at you?
A microwave.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A Fridge.
What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?
Past tense.
Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?
Because he was a loaner.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One? Or two? One? .... Or two?
Why are jokes in base 8 not funny?
Because 7,10,11!
Why was the robot mad?
Because people kept pushing its buttons.
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?
Because they're never wrong.
Why was Lara Croft sad?
Because her career was in ruins.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?
He's fine - fake noose.
What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
Why did the stoplight turn red?
Well, wouldn't you turn red if you were caught changing in the middle of the street?
Why doesn't Bono like Google?
He still hasn't found what he's looking for.
How do you flirt with a calligraphist?
Say, "You have pretty I's!"
How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Why does everything have to be a group task?
What was Joan of Arc's hidden talent?
She could really cook.
What do you give a girl that has everything?
Penicillin.
Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?
He asked a kid to go across the street to get a pack of smokes, the kid said "No!"
So he ran over himself.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "spit your gum out." But the train says, "chew chew chew."
Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog?
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
What did the mermaid wear to her maths class?
An algae bra.
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
Where do Siths do their shopping?
At the Darth Mall.
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Why do pens get sent to prison?
To do long sentences!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!
What's the best way to sum up the 90's?
90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?
Meals on wheels.
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are about $2. Deer Nuts are under a buck.
Why do the French have so many civil wars?
So they can win one every now and again.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Why shouldn't you throw away an old dolphin?
Because they can be re-porpoised!
What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?
Sleigher
So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family?
At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
Why was the antivaxxer's 3-year-old crying?
He was having a midlife crisis.
What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?
All rice, all rice, all rice
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards!
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident?
The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry.
Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?
Because in France one egg is un ouf.
Where do facts come from?
The factory.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
What did one duck say to the other?
Quack.
What's the difference between a melon?
One of its halves are both the same.
Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical?
If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
What do cows like to line dance to?
Any kind of moosic you like!
Why did the Jedi kill his master?
To get to the other side.
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway
A armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money then says, "Got to ask, what's with the CDs?"
He replies, "It's my disk-eyes."
Why are storm troopers so clingy?
Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?
Molasses.
Do you know what's not right?
Left.
Why can't Albert Einstein hold down a job?
Because he's dead.
Why should you knock before you open the fridge door?
There might be a salad dressing.
Who decided to name it a "sperm whale"?
A group of seamen.
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?
Because it's hard to disCERN.
What can you serve that you cannot eat?
A tennis ball.
Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?
She had to be force fed.
What's worse than being a dwarf.
Being a dwarf with no legs.
How many oranges grow on the average orange tree ?
All of them.
What do you get if you jump into the red sea?
Wet.
How do you make a horse drink?
Put it in a blender.
What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
What ended in 1887?
1886.
Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"
Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"
What's green and fluffy?
Red fluff, if you're color blind.
Why will the congress never impeach Trump?
Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe dammit, BREATHE!
What time does Andy Murray arrive at Wimbledon?
About tennish.
Where do ghosts go for their holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?
An oxymoron.
Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?
*points thumbs at chest* That guy.
How do you hurt a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!
What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
Slow clowns.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter.
What is black and white and red all over?
A panda bear with a sunburn!
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
How do they dance in the Middle East?
Sheik-to-sheik.
What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill?
A $100 bill makes change
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg.
Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?
Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why are mountains so funny?
Because they are hill areas.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.
Why is wrestling stupid??
It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
What is a simile?
It's like a metaphor.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1001. 1 to hold the light bulb and 1000 to turn the house.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I don't know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An accountant!
What does a pirate from Boston say?
Aaahhh.
Do you need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What did the Chinese restaurants do with dogs that wander into the kitchen?
Kept them as pets.
What is the tallest building in the entire world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What do you call a horse that's always helping out with arts and crafts?
Glue.
How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.
What's the difference between a German and a Scot?
The German knows when he's not speaking English.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air pockets.
What do you call a plane with no wings?
An unfinished plane.
What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
Why couldn't the witch ever get her enchantments right?
She forgot to use Spell Check.
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?
Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
Which birds steal soap from the bath?
Robber ducks!
What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?
A ginger snap.
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep?
A wooly jumper.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?
A Brontosnorus.
What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?
... accommodating.
What's another name for a clever duck?
A wise quacker!
Where do you find a one-legged cat?
Right where you left it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Did the robot have a brother?
No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!
What is the gender of Iron Man?
Fe Male
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
If it was invented anywhere else, it would be the teethbrush.
Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?
The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.
What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.
What is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What present can you give to the woman who has everything?
Antibiotics.
What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
What's worse then falling off a building?
Falling of a higher building.
What is the one type of person that will never get angry?
A nomad.
What's a horrible icebreaker?
The Titanic.
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can count on me.
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.
How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left early.
Why was sally mopping the floor?
Because she was a slave.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
What type of flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising.
How do you make a cheeseburger sad?
Make it with blue cheese!
Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexadecimal?
Because 7 8 9 A.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A Meanderthal.
Should women have children after 35?
"No, 35 children are enough!"
How many babies does it take to paint a shed?
Considering babies are incapable of rational thought it is unlikely they would understand how to employ the correct method to paint.
Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?
Only thyme will tell.
You know what's a cool job?
Mirror inspector. I could really see my self doing it.
Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!
How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
On average or do you want the whole distribution?
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he 's married.
Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Wife to her husband:
"I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery?
They woke up.
What every sports player should say after winning?
"First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
"You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His shoe.
Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
What's the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How do you get an old lady to swear?
Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks?
You have pressure when your wife is pregnant.
You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant.
You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What does an SEO and part-time chiropractor work on?
Your bad backlinks.
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.
What happened to the cannibal lion?
He had to swallow his pride!
How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
B-52...F-16...A-10.
Do you know why babies cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?
Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Teacher to student "Why is every answer on your test 'Chuck Norris'?"
Student to teacher "Chuck Norris is the answer to all problems!"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valen-tiny!
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.
How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"
What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl?
Her-She Kisses.
Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers?
1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles.
2. Hunters always....shoot twice.
3. Hunters love to...eat what they shoot!
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A slow poke.
"Lisa, why are you so angry with me?"
"Because I'm Christine."
Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, "Why is the grass always greener on the other side?"
Everyone replied, "'Cause you aren't standing on it."
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
Boy: "Somebody else's pants."
What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
The elevator can raise a child.
Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store?
The sign said "Wet Floor."
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
H2O cubed.
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2 inch floppy.
Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?"
She said, "Nope, just found one!"
What do you call a computer expert?
A control-alt-elite.
Why does the witch not wear panties when flying?
Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles.
How are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".
The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?
She charges an arm and a leg.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time?
Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
It was OK.
Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
So she could have shade when she swam across!
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
How does a leopard change its spots?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"
"My name is Paul."
What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?
There's no place like 127.0.0.1!
Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
Nothing, yet.
"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"
"Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
What do you call a Scottish iPhone?
An AyePhone.
Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?
Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till I hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?"
She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it."
Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"
And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"
Why did the computer get cold?
Because it forgot to close windows.
What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing.
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
"Have you got the address of the butter website?"
"Yes, but don't spread it around."
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!
What's object-oriented way to become wealthy?
Inheritance.
How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet?
You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!
Why is divorce so costly?
Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper.
What is the perfect Father's Day gift?
Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
Are shellfish warm?
No they re clammy.
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commentator.
Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart.
It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat!"
Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?
Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.
Which month do soldiers hate most?
March!
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical?
They have strong internal controls.
What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay?
"Brace yourself, Sheila."
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
A forty-carrot wedding ring.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy.
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at McDonald's?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
What 80's rock band is banned from New Orleans and why?
The Scorpions. Every time they're in town, they rock you like a hurricane.
How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire?
Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."
Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
What do you call a old snowman?
Water.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?
So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.
Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
"Wow, look at that! Isn't it beautiful? Let's destroy it."
-People
What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
Drizzle
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
The lid said, "Twist to open."
Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply a lot.
Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
Fry-days.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare.
What was the first word out of Adam's mouth when he first saw Eve?
Whoa man! Thus, the word "woman" was created.
What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
How does a blonde spell farm?
E-I-E-I-O
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots.
What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?
The Lizard of Oz.
How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
One, any more and it would be too mainstream.
What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.
What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef.
What gas do snails prefer?
Shell.
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?
Glass flippers.
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
Outlaws are wanted.
What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
(Try saying that fast!)
What do you call a tired cow?
Milked out.
Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart.
So everybody takes a big whiff.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
Teacher: Students, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Class: "Brotherly love."
Remember when we spent money like there was no tomorrow?
Well, it's tomorrow.
What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A dino-score.
Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?"
And she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."
Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music?
"Because he broke the record."
What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face?
It will kick off your ladder...
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you.
What's the definition of a pessimist?
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?
A hip hopper.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda d to its every whim.
You know that awesome feeling, when you finally understand math?
Me neither.
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
What are the most athletic rodents?
Track and field mice.
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball.
What is a chameleon's motto?
A change is as good as a rest.
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
A chameleon on a tartan rug.
Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
He always said "Neigh"
Why was the skunk angry?
He was incensed.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place where de cowboys ride.
"Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?"
"I can't help it, I'm hooked."
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away.
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?
Jawbreakers.
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.
What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Hop rods.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains.
What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
Claws.
If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.
Mother, "Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you'll get kids who will be very naughty to you!"
Johnny, "Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, haven't you?"
What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever.
How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
Reptiles.
How do you go about hiring a horse?
Try two pairs of stilts!
What kind of money do polar bears use?
Ice lolly.
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed.
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What is Father Christmas's tax status?
Elf-employed.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
-Too many Cheetahs!
How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the wrong face?"
What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
A coat of arms.
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
Holstaines.
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah.
What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...
Get away from my nuts.
What is the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late.
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
Which rabbit was in Western movies?
Hopalong Cassidy.
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off?
I'll get you next slime.
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee.
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.
Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn't have the hare fare.
If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half.
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?
No, they do everything on porpoise.
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything.
What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear.
I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer.
I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, 'What's that, Broke Mac Mountain?'
How can you tell she's a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?
Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
What is a cursor?
Someone having computer problems.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
HIGH-Definition.
Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?
Don't worry, It doesn't have a point!
Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!
How do men define a long-term relationship?
A second date.
What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
Mmmm, sandwiches!
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house?
The whole vibe was anything ghost.
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?
What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesomes.
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?
He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.
What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool.
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out.
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.
What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain.
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?
Lefty.
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
It lives on ice.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See ya next month.
Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery?
Because it gets you nowhere.
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.
What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
Wheeeee.
Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in?
They had to pay the jockey overtime!
What's a rabbits favourite car?
Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
In what way are Democrats more generous than Republicans?
Unlike Republicans, Democrats are not only generous with their own money, but also with other people's money.
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!
What's a skunk's favourite game in school?
Show and smell.
What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 lawyer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.
Guy comes up the hill, look up to the sky and yells, "God, I want to hear your opinion! Is Facebook harmful?"
And response from heaven, "A moment, I just finish this status.."
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?
4Skin.
What do you call a smart blonde?
Bigfoot, because they don't exist.
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry I've got you covered!
Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
'Cause they make them feel famous!
Do you believe in love at first set?
Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
Too stupid to understand science?
Try religion!
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
How much money did the bronco have?
Only a buck!
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.
What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond?
He had him newt-ered.
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn?
A Moles Royce.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A stripey sweater.
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films?
He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
Did you hear about the man with five keen senses?
He still lacked common and horse!
How are skunks able to avoid danger?
By using their instinks and common scents.
Did you hear about the hopeless athlete?
He ran a bath and came in second.
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?
They take a gallop poll!
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?
A harebrush.
What's a rabbits favorite book?
Hop on Pop.
What's a rabbits favorite movie?
Rabbits of the Lost Ark.
How do you weigh a whale?
On Whale Weigh Scales.
What's got 4 legs and bleeds?
Half a spider!
What did the calf say to the silo?
"Is my fodder in there?"
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?
Hoe-Down.
How is parsley like pubic hair?
You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.
Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?
No.
Me neither.
How do rabbits get to work?
By rabbit transit.
How do you know when you re eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.
What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Mooney.
Who robs banks and squirts ink?
Billy the Squid.
A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What's the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"
"Alzheimer, granny!"
What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
Deviled eggs.
What does a squid sheriff form?
An octoposse.
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying?
Squid pro quo.
What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
A dumb bunny.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
What's the favourite flavour of sharks?
Shark-o-late.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead?
Unsightly facial hare.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
What job do rabbits at hotels have?
Bellhop.
What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?
A dead wringer.
What is the best type of ship?
FRIENDSHIP!
Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah... now he has no ears.
How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?
Her ears flap.
What is a black cat's favorite color?
Purrrrrr-ple!
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?
In a pellet court!
A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he's been overpaid by £50.
This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?
Loch Jaws.
How do you fix a broken website?
With stick e-tape.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher said, it was a peace of cake.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50cent featuring Nickelback.
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, "No L!"
Why is it hard for a blonde to count to 70?
Because 69 is such a mouthful.
What did the red light say to the green light?
Don't look I'm changing!
What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
Why can't girls play hockey?
Because their pads can't last three periods.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
Having two legs.
My friend's dad went to Hungary.
I asked her, "Was your dad hungry in Hungary?"
Why don't lobsters share?
They re shellfish.
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?
Dead Siri-ous.
How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof!
What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe?
An e-mergency.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
What do you call an owl magician? HOOOOOdini.
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?
Because it's a mane-lion station.
What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event.
How come there aren't that many jokes about Jim Jones?
The punchlines are too long.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
"Halo there!"
Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.
How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?
He tried to stirrup some interest!
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
Odour in court.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
What did one skunk say to another?
And so do you.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!
Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
How did Nikki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
"Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?"
"I believe he's eating your lettuce."
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do.
What do you call a sleepy Easter egg?
Egg-zosted!
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground!
Why did the blonde speed on the highway?
Because she thought the cars behind her where chasing her!!!!
Why do polo bears like bald men?
Because they have a great, white, bear place.
What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin.
Why was the lion-tamer fined?
He parked on a yellow lion.
How does a blonde order a root beer?
Extra large, hold the roots.
What do tigers wear in bed?
Stripey pyjamas.
What are the hottest days during summer?
Sun-days
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"Professional courtesy."
What's a rabbits favorite musical?
Hare.
What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?
Haremail.
When do rabbits have buck teeth?
When their parents won't get them braces.
When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?
When it's on the train.
Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor?
Rabbit Hood.
What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast?
How slime flies.
Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
How do snails get their shells all shiny?
They use snail polish.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?
It had a lot of hare pins.
Why did the rabbits go on strike?
They wanted a better celery.
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs.
Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?
For hare care.
What happened to the cold jellyfish?
It set.
What book did the rabbit take on vacation?
One with a hoppy ending.
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.
What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
A tender, loving hare.
Where do sharks come from?
Sharkago.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret?
He was a blubber mouth.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
Burgers and flies.
What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.
What's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
"Why can't you play cards in the jungle?"
"Because theres to many cheetahs."
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!
What is a bunny's favorite music?
Hip-hop.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it?
Major Bumsore.
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellicopter.
Where do you go if you become 'at one' with your computer?
Nerdvana.
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
simple
it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"
When will scientists cure the common cold?
Actually, they already did but Republican pharmacists won't dispense it because they mistook it for birth control.
What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A polo bear.
What do you get from a cowmedian?
Cream of Wit.
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
What's the important part of a horse?
The mane part.
Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?
Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!
What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?
Cutting edge.
What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?
Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits feet.
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?
He whale-d.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus Pieces.
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?
Don't know...its never been done.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-day!
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
A slippery customer.
I know when god becomes angry.
When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.
He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT and in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."
Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Why does ET have such big eyes?
He saw the phone bill.
What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed.
Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?
Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?
Depth perception.
What happened when the shark became famous?
He turned into a starfish.
Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts?
Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?
Because he made to many calls!
Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
What's green and sits in the corner?
That same baby three weeks later.
Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
For people who don't drink.
Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!
Teacher: "How can you prove the Earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Did you hear about the gay French General?
He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.
What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up?
"Iraqi Army."
How much do I owe Yo' Mama?
My dog came home happy last night.
"What is the thickest book in the world?
What Men Think They Know About Women."
"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.
And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
What has ten letters and starts with gas?
An automobile.
Wanna party with me like you just don't care?
Put your hand up 45° in the air!
Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus?
GarageBend.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
Potpourri.
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
No time for gym?
Please tell me how you watch 3 hours of TV every night.
What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge?
Cool music.
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?
Just a phew.
What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse.
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start off with a large fortune!
What is a buttress?
A female goat.
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane?
A dandy lion.
What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.
What is the noisiest game?
Squash – because you can't play it without raising a racquet!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur?
A stinkasaurus.
How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink.
When should you feel sorry for a skunk?
When its spray pump is out of order!.
"May I buy half a rabbit?"
"No, we don't split hares."
The mouse and the elephant pas together over a bridge, very proud the mouse says:
Do you hear how the bridge vibrates under OUR footsteps?
What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?
A brown Probe!
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?
He was a card shark.
What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?
Rabbits habits.
What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?
He got bombed.
What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny?
Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift.
What does an octopus take on a camping trip?
Tentacles.
Why was the math textbook so sad?
He had a lot of problems!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.
What leads most people into debt?
Trying to catch up with people who are already there.
He: So then, what's your sign?
She: Dollar.
How big is a Republican-size bed?
Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.
What's the fastest thing in the world?
A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve.
What's the second fastest thing in the world?
The Indians running after it.
What do you call an easy-going rabbit?
Hoppy-go-lucky.
Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
"I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me more than half year."
"Are you stupid? It's a dream of every man."
What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A blonde at a flashing red light!
How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated?
"Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
What do you call a smart blonde?
There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
Why don't all the managers go into holiday at once?
So people can't see that the company works without them..
What did the mama bear say to her cub?
"Don't go out in your bear feet!"
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?
Egg-splosion
What's the difference between a leprechaun and gonorrhea?
One's a cunning runt.
Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back?
They re always switching their tails.
Oh, you play racquetball?
You must be extremely athletic.
Why don't some teachers like to break wind in public?
Because they're private tooters.
Little Johnny: "Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mother: "No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"
Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.
Teacher: "If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"
Little Johnny: "A bad blatter issue."
What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.
What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?
Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
"How are your hemorrhoids?"
"Swell."
What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.
They put one man on the moon.
Why can't they put them all there?
Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
Because he had a chip on his shoulder.
What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common?
They both shower after three periods!
What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before?
Deja phew.
What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Not really too much, but you can't help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What's the difference between a pigeon and a tramp?
The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf.
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.
Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
Did you hear about the argumentative skunk?
He always liked to make a stink.
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic.
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
What do rabbits put in their computers?
Hoppy disks.
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers.
What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits?
Wheelburrows.
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
Shark absorbers.
What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?
A hare dare.
How do you know when a crab is drunk?
It walks forwards.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A harenet.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
Why did the whale like the diver?
Because he had flippers.
What kind of whale flies?
Pilot whales.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?
A hole-y Cow.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some haywire!
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do Scientists have for snacks?
Micro-chips.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home?
A search warren.
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.
Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What's a rabbits favorite TV show?
Hoppy Days.
How is a police car like a women?
It flashes and It usually has a dick in it.
What is the most famous shark?
William Sharkspeare.
How did Barack propose to Michelle?
He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
When is a lion not a lion?
When he turns into his cage.
How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.
He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
What did the volcano say to the other volcano?
Stop erupting me.
Patient: "Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?"
Doctor: "You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc."
Man to friend: 'My wife's a peach.' Friend: 'Because she's so soft and juicy?'
Man: 'No, because she has a heart of stone.'
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.
Why did God create women?
He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
"Because he shot the ball!"
How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.
If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod.
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
Hello, hello.
Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!
What's a mouse's favorite record?
Please cheese me!
What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds?
A dinosaur with the hiccups.
What kind of money do marsupials use?
Pocket change!
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
What king of money do fishermen make?
Net profits!
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin?
Pingu-Pong.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street?
Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a pin?
It was OK.
It was a safety pin.
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom?
A rooster says cockadoodledoo, Your mom says anycockledoo.
What's a rabbits favorite song?
"Hoppy Birthday to You."
What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
How do you calculate the population of Russia?
You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
Why did the frog go to the mall?
Because he wanted to go hopping.
Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street?
He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn't spell Acacia.
What's black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A Dobermann pinscher.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Why don't lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it's too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that's a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that's a shame.
What's the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the Lottery.
Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often?
They always hit and run.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They're both out looking for a tight seal.
What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole?
You swerve to miss a pothole!
What did the music teacher need a ladder for?
To reach the top notes.
What kind of car does a rabbit drive?
A furrari.
What would a computer geek is going to do after seeing a beautiful woman?
"Immediately start downloading it."
What do gays call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
How do you join the police?
Handcuff them together.
Why did the policeman carry a pencil and a piece of very thin paper?
He wanted to trace someone.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why's a fat woman like a skateboard?
They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.
Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos?
Czechs and stripes don't mix.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?
Warren.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
"Chips."
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why did god make beer?
So the Irish would not take over the world.
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river bank!
How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
What do you give a cat for its birthday?
A catalog.
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?
Ten-ish.
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?
Both are food from aloft!
What's the difference between goats and women??
Goats are always horney.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What is a teacher's favorite kind of music?
Class-ical.
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
What's an Athlon at 1,2 GHz processor that runs for 9 minutes without a cooler called?
8.5 minutes burned processor.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Fed up with your computer winning at chess?
Try it at kick-boxing instead!
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever.
How do you know you're flying over the poorer part of town?
You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
What do ducks wear to party's?
A duck-sedo!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-i-nated.
What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!
A blonde was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?"
And the blonde replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"
Why are tigers religious?
Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.
What do you if you're trapped inside a whale?
Run round and round till you're all pooped out!
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
How do you guess a blonde played at you're computer?
The joystick is on the chair.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
What's the difference between a badger and a TV?
A lot.
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails?
She was always using fowl language.
How do really posh dogs send messages?
By predigree-mail.
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?
To see who shot his "paw."
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?
Woofleball
Why is a dog scared of a fire?
It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise?
A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird?
A Doberman fincher!
What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?
Yankee poodle!
What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints?
With a track-tor!
How can if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars!
When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around?
They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
What kind of modeling clay does a dog use?
Fi-Do!
How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None.
They are all on the outside.
Where will a springer spaniel never shop?
At a flea market!
What is your dog's favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs!
How do you make a dog float?
Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play?
A trombone.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner?
Have a short table!
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water?
A hot-weiler!
How can you make a basset hound fast?
Take away its food!
What dogs never get lost?
Newfound-lands!
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs?
Only when they snap at something!
What dog always gets on everyone's nerves?
A great pane!
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?
A complaint Bernard!
What kind of dog is the smartest?
A great brain!
What dog would you want on your American football team?
A golden receiver!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied!
What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?
A docs-hund!
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?
A Lassie who plays brassie!
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection?
A pointer!
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather?
A faint Bernard!
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant?
A tusky!
What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?
Labs!
What kind of dog can tell time?
A clockshund!
What kind of dog always needs a shave?
A bearded collie!
What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair?
A bald beagle!
What kind of dog is the most colorful?
A paint Bernard!
What dog is always tired in London?
An English sleep dog.
What is a collie puppy's favorite toy?
A chew-chew train!
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?
A glowberman pinscher!
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball?
The Philadelphia Beagles!
What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of?
A Doberman puncher!
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?
A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?
A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake?
To a weterinarian!
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?
Get a small hankie!
What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua?
Shorts!
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons?
They're short of breath!
What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?
Look out for the mice!
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks?
Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?
It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers?
They have short tales!
What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk?
A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua?
It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?
A short one!
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport?
Miniature golf!
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?
Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
What does a Chihuahua play basketball with?
A tennis ball!
What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?
Lap-top!
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?
With dog diskettes!
Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard?
They're all paws.
What kind of dog is a person's best friend?
A palmatian!
What do you call a boring dog?
A dull-mation!
What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian?
A spot-weiler!
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?
He puts down the three and carries the one.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?
I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy?
All her children had gone to the dogs.
Why is a dog so warm in Summer?
He wears a coat and pants.
Why does a d dog scratch himself?
He is the only one that knows where it itches.
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?
Because the captain stood on the deck.
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?
He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
Why did the dog sleep so poorly?
By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
Why did the dog say he was an actor?
His leg was in a cast.
Why did the dog run in circles?
He was a watchdog and needed winding.
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape?
He was colour-blind.
Which dog looks like a cat?
A police dog in disguise.
Which dog is always without a tail?
A hot dog.
Which dog can tell time?
A watchdog.
Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends on where you lose them.
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
When is a dog most impolite?
When he points.
What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?
A puppy.
What was the dog doing on the turnpike?
About seven miles an hour.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?
You should know more than your dog.
What should you do if you see a vicious dog?
Hope he doesn't see you.
What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?
The umbrella can be shut up.
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?
A dog.
What is black and white and red all over?
A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour?
A double crosser.
What is a baseball dog?
One that chases fowls.
What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet?
A thousand dogs.
What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon?
He wasn't able to stir.
What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
What did the dog say when he chased his tail?
This is the end.
What did the dog say to the pig?
You are just a bore.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer.
What did the dog do with the history professor?
They got together and talked over old times.
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him?
Bit him, naturally.
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your back yard.
How did the dog make gold soup?
He put in 24 carrots.
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.
How can you tell a dog from an elephant?
The elephant remembers.
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because its hard to run in squares!
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?
Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
A shaggy dogs tale!
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
Melon-collie!
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
Slush puppies!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
Hush puppies!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler?
A computer with a lot of bites!
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
He gets splinters in his mouth!
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it's a greyhound!
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A mutt in a rut!
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
Cats can't drive!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles!
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
A plain clothes police dog!
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
A guard dog!
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog!
How do you stop a dog smelling?
Put a peg on it's nose!
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house!
How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
Just one, the moulting season!
What's a dog favourite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What is a dogs favourite flower?
Anything in your garden!
What is a dog's favourite food?
Anything that is on your plate!
What is a dog's favourite sport?
Formula 1 drooling!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a hyena?
I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open!
Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
In the mush room!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
Because his boots were at the menders!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A jet setter!
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because you can't bury them in trees!
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than it's bite!
Why do dogs wag their tails?
"Because no one else will do it for them!"
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
"I must throw that doggie out the window!
"!
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
Chump chops!
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A Great Dane out!
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
"Well, doggone!"
Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
Growlcho Marx!
What is the dogs favourite city?
New Yorkie!
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A dingo-ling!
What do you call a happy Lassie?
A jolly collie!
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings?
In bark-lays bank!
Why does a dog wag it's tail?
- No one else will do it for them
What side of the dog has the most fur?
- The Outside.
What goes "krab, krab, krab"?
- A dog barking in a mirror.
What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?
- RUFF!
What kind of dog does a dracula like?
- A Bloodhound.
Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog?
- So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
- It stole the show!
When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?
- When the door is open.
Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face?
- Because it's the scenter.
What do you say to a dog before he eats?
- Bone appetite!
How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car?
- Put him in the front seat.
How did bulldogs get such flat noses?
- From chasing cars.
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
- Because you can't bury them in the sky!
When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?
- Anytime he wants to go.
"Why are you so excited?
", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really?
It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.
What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
Almond Joy candy bar
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic pork!
What dinosaur loves pancakes?
A tri-syrup-tops.
What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
Stegosaur-rust!
What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?
Bronco-saurus!
What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night?
Bronto-snore-us!
What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What's red on the outside and green on the inside?
A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
Why do dinosaurs wear glasses?
To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
Why do dinosaurs climb trees?
There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons?
They outgrew their leotards.
Why does a dinosaur climb a tree?
To get in his nest.
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs?
To give the ants a chance.
Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force?
They can't hide behind billboards.
Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes?
To carry his library card.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
Because he is a meat eater!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?
Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur?
Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?
Dino-mite.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors?
Because she had no guts!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A Dinosaucer
"Did you get your money?"
ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient's home.
"Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"
"Papa, why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors?"
"Because they are drawing-rooms, my son."
Patient: "Do you extract teeth painlessly?"
Dentist: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist"
Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?"
Mabel: "Yes, the dentist."
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.
Young lady to father "Daddy, when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father?"
"We have only one heart, but 32 teeth!"
What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte
What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself
Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?...
A month later he was picking his teeth
What do you call a dentist in the army?
A drill sergeant!
What do you call the Scottish dentist?
Phil McCavity!
What is a dentist's office?
A filling station.
Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring.
Why do dentists like potatoes?
Because they are so filling.
Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
"You have a hole in one. "
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth?
Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
Dracula's dentist.
Why are you laughing?
My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out.
I don't see much to laugh about in that.
But it was the wrong one!
What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out?
The dentist.
Why was the dentist's date with the manicurist a disaster?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!
What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
"Do you believe in life after death?"
the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral?
They just loosen the Earth and you sink down by yourself.
What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies?
A dead cat.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot!
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car - who is driving it?
A police officer!
Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
Why was the robber bionic?
He was holding up a bank.
Where do cowboys cook their meals?
On the range.
What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school?
The deputy head!
Why did the cowboy's car stop?
It had Injun (engine) trouble.
Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?
Because he rode the range.
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was always horsing around.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
Hoppalong Cassidy.
Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood.
What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
Gimme a slug of whiskey.
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?
Pre-tanned leather.
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed!
What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully!
Why was the calf afraid?
He was a cow-herd!
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream!
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef!
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
To get to the Milky Way!
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
She thought children should be seen and not herded!
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he was a cowpuncher!
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was pasteurized!
Why are cows made for dancing?
They're all born hoofers!
Where does a cow stop to drink?
The milky way!
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball!
Where do Russian cows come from?
Moscow!
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows!
Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf
Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?
To the calf-ateria!
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case!
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow into pasture.
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head?
Steer phones!
What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
A cud thud!
What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Grass class!
What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?
A bull pull!
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
A full bull!
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
A dear steer!
What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?
A merry dairy!
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner?
Cow chow!
What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?
A nerd herd!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat!
What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit?
Hare in your milk!
What US state has the most cows?
Moosouri!
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand?
Cows-mopolitan!
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos!
What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
What is the golden rule for cows?
Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
What is the definition of "moon"?
The past tense of "moo"!
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place where de cowboys ride!
What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?
A tail pail!
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?
Filet delay!
What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer?
A woolly bully!
What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?
A charmer farmer!
What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher?
Ground round!
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
A cattle battle!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna
What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?
Udder chaos!
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.
What hair style is a calf's favorite?
The cowlick!
What goes oo ooo oooo?
A cow with no lips.
What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank!
What game do little cows like to play?
Moonopoly.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa!
What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Roast Moosmallows!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?
A kangamoo!
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight?
Sir Loin!
What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?
A cowch potato!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
A bad mood!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlemoo!
What do you get from pampered cows?
Spoiled milk!
What do you get from an invisible cow?
Evaporated milk!
What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Dragon milk!
What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of amnesia!
What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
A steak-out!
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call explosive cow vomit?
A cud missile!
What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?
An encownter group.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
De-calfinated!
What do you call a cow that was shot by a tank?
A hole-y Cow!
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud!
What do you call a tired cow?
Milked out!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
A bullfighter!
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
Ground Beef
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat?
Shipped beef!
What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?
Moo moos
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
"Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo"
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper!
What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic!
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Ride on the roller cowster.
What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Mooney.
What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay Fever
What do cows do when they're introduced?
They give each other a milk shake!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Old Moo Eyes!
What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass?
"Hey!
Look at the cow's nest!"
What did the cow wear to the football game?
A Jersey.
What did one dairy cow say to another?
Got milk?
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand!
What band is a cow favorite?
Moody Blues
What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
Holstaines
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs!
What animals do you bring to bed?
Your calves.
I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk!
But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
Is there big money in the cattle business?
So I've herd!
In what state will you find the most cows?
Moo York!
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you!
If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get?
Milk and quackers!
If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get?
"Beeflt!"
If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half!
How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
It's a place of udder delight.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
How do bulls drive their cars?
They steer them!
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A Moosician!
How did the calf's final exam turn out?
Grade A!
How did that bullfight come out?
Oh, it was a toss-up!
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed!
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
No, only medium rare!
Did you hear about the snobby cow?
She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!
Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?
No!
Did he hurt the cows?
No, he just grazed them!
What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
About 3000 miles!
How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?
By opening the car door.
How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
But he gets three hours credit.
Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"
86% replied, "Not again"
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?
I did not have textual relations with that woman.
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?
"Looks like rein dear"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
It's true....Comet cleans sinks!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"
"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?"
"He said it was too tight."
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Forty feet of track - all straight!
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.
What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season
What does Father Christmas call his money?
Iced lolly?
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!
What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!
Who delivers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!
Who delivers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
A rabbit's favourite Christmas song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
A football supporter's favourite Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'
What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?
Mean-opoly.
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment?
A phantomime!
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?
Fancy a bite?
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?
It was a scream!
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick!
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Christmas ball?
It was a moth ball!
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match?
Because they're both stopped by the rein.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it!
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!
How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
"A furry merry Christmas and Happy mew year"!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
Because they soot him!
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
Santa pause!
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
Because they both have "Sandy claws"!
Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma?'
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog?
He was dense and wet!
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?
'Quick,' said one, 'run!
Before they say we did it!
What's the matter son?
The boy next door said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger than me!
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus?
He ended up in a flea circus!
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
Because her children were not very bright.
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An a-cat-emy award.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of the tree bark.
What is an octopus?
An eight-sided cat.
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall?
A good jumpurr!
What is a black cat's favourite TV show?
Miami Mice!
What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?
A posse cat!
What did the black cat say to the fish?
I've got a bone to pick with you!
Why do black cats never shave?
Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When your a mouse!
Why did the cat sleep under the car?
Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
A purrfect meal!
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots!
What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat!
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers!
Why do cats chase birds?
For a lark!
What kind of cat should you take into the desert?
A first aid kitty!
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
They are both ginger nuts!
Why do tomcats fight?
Because they like raising a stink!
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A catameringue!
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk!
What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!
Who was the most powerful cat in China?
Chairman Miaow!
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
An octopuss!
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe!
How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!
What is the cat's favourite TV show?
The evening mews!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
He has cat-arrh!
What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
I'm paw!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
- Catsup!
What do you call it when a cat stops?
- A paws!
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
- Because she wanted to mail a litter.
How do cats buy things?
- From a cat-alogue!
What kind of cats lay around the house?
- Car-pets!
What kind of work does a weak cat do?
- Light mouse work.
What's a cat's second favorite food?
- Spa-catti!
What's a cat's favorite food?
- Petatoes!
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
- Catch.
What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
- A first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
- A sourpuss!
Why does everyone love cats?
- They're purr-fect!
Where do cats write down notes?
- Scratch Paper!
What's every cat's favorite song?
- Three Blind Mice!
Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
- It's meow-sic to their ears!
What do you call it when a cat bites?
- Catnip!
What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
- Mice cream
What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?
- Claude
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train?
A laplander!
What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
What driver doesn't have a license?
A screw driver.
If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke from an electric train!
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough
Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car?
Because she'd never be able to learn the language
Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!"
Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.
Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.
Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing?
Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.
Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren?
Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.
Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you?
Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.
What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?
A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that toffee" and a train says, "Choo, choo."
What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.
What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph?
A witch in a high speed train.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?
Oh good!
A chew chew train!
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
Because business was very light.
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!
What business is King Kong in?
Monkey business.
Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you.
Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
He went down really well!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
What do sick cannibals have for breakfast?
Vitamin bills!
Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra?
Because he's always coming back!
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast?
Weedie Bix!
What's the definition of a cannibal?
Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?
'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'
When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot.
The cannibal turned to his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'
What is the cannibals' favorite game?
Swallow my Leader.
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter?
It sure gave them something to chew over.
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Baked Beings.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun.
Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school?
I wouldn't fit through the door.
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?
The deceased!
What "bus" crossed the ocean?
Columbus.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
Have you seen the bus website?
Yes - it's just the ticket!
Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?
I should say not, on my salary!
Does this bus stop at the river?
If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself?
Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.
Why did the bus stop?
Because it saw the zebra crossing.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?
Throw it under a bus.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?
Because he was skint.
What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
What do monsters play when they are in the bus?
Squash.
Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April?
One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!
Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?
Because hot dogs are the wurst!
Who can beat any burger at golf?
Any LINKS sausage!
Where does a burger go on vacation?
The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!
What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?
'Hot dog!'
How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time?
They chew the fat.
Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?
Boy: Because he read the label, and it said 'shake well before using.'
Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?
She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
"Today children, we will learn our ABC's"
Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?
Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.
Why don't blonde's like audio-books?
There aren't any pictures.
How do you drown a blonde?
When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One - the rest are all true.
Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?
She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck.
Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".
How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
How do you kill a blonde?
Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer
Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.
Why can't blondes make Kool Aid?
Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.
Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde?
What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look!
They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you wash all your vegetables!
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?
None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.
When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row
Why are blondes like corn flakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin
Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours?
Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back?
She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel!
What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes?
A mental block!
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook?
She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer?
She fell in the sink!
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?
One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake?
The candles melted in the oven.
Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday?
He's trying to age disgracefully!
Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?
I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
"No, only babies."
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it's been sliced.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A birthday pheasant!
What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?
He was celebrating his girthday!
Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
It was a tappy one!
Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?
Because he always slobbers out the candles!
Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
It was a sappy one!
Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
It was a Happy one!
"Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"
"Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."
"What thing is that?"
"Nothing!"
What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap?
It was a birthday present from his wife!
Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer?
Because you said it was pound cake!
What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
"Hi, Buster."
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.
What's the greatest birthday present?
Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A Ducktor.
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?
"He wanted to be a hentertainer."
What do you call a vulture with no beak?
A head banger.
Teacher: What's a robin?
Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years?
It was stuffed.
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin?
I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.
What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang Syne.
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What does an educated owl say?
Whom.
How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy it.
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
Because eggs were going up!
What happens when geese land in a volcano?
They cook their own gooses!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
For hentertainment!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
Scotch eggs!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What is a parrot?
A wordy birdy!
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?
Short John Silver!
Why did the bird join he air force?
He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
Why is politics for the birds?
Because politicians always parrot the same old lines!
What's a parrot's favourite song?
I love Parrots in the Springtime!
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What's a parrot's favourite game?
Monopoly!
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!
Why do parrots carry umbrellas?
So they don't become polly-saturated!
Which bird ran for President?
H. Ross Parrot
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck?
Polly want a quacker!
What did the rich socialite's parrot say?
Polly want a cracker, with caviar please!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!
What do you call the place where parrots make films?
Pollywood!
What's the definition of Polystyrene?
A plastic parrot!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot?
A polygon .
What's the definition of Parity?
Two parrots exactly the same!
What's the definition of a Parapet?
Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock?
Politics
Where do blind parrots go for treatment?
The Birds Eye counter!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Where do the cleverest parrots live?
In the brain tree forests!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"
He was studying foreign languages.
What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
What birds are found in Portugal?
Portu-geese!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
It eggs-plodes!
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
The bombshell!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're the chicken!
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!
What happened when the chicken ate cement?
She laid a sidewalk!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs!
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep!
Why don't chickens like people?
They beat eggs!
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
She was tickled to death!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck!
Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
Because it ran out of cluck!
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
An alarm cluck!
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have enough guts
What is the definition of Robin?
A bird who steals!
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
Jail-birds!
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie!
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender?
Shredded Tweet!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot!
What happens when ducks fly upside down?
They quack up!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market!
What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A mynah bird!
What is a duck's favorite TV show?
The feather forecast!
What kind of bird opens doors?
A kiwi!
What flies through the jungle singing opera?
The parrots of Penzance!
What do owls sing when it is raining?
'Too wet to woo'!
What bird tastes just like butter?
A stork!
What do parrots eat?
Polyfilla!
What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A Macaw!
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A firequaker!
How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
Send him to polytechnic!
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English!
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances?
Three swallows!
Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play!
What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
With it's sparrowchute!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
Because they're both full of stuffing!
How do you get a cut-price parrot?
Plant bird seed!
When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they're going cheap!
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger!
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey!
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!
What's brown and white and flies all over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A pecking order.
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
Because they're two-tired.
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
Bicycle petals!
What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head?
Petal!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!
Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
When it turns into a driveway.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
The road.
I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.
Farcical?
What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?
A penny-farthing.
What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
Mother: Did you make your bed today?
Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?
Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly?
She was pretty ugly
Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty?
Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!
What is yellow and goes click-click?
A ball-point banana.
Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?
Wizard: With luck, yes.
Witch:
Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?
She finished it in two.
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
Where is everyone beautiful?
In the dark.
They say Margaret is a raving beauty.
You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No one.
What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A shampoodle!
Where does a vampire take a bath?
In the bat-room.
Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?
Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.
Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?
Where do Martians drink beer?
At a mars bar!
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down.
The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby?
A cry for Alp!
Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can't carry the mother.
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?
Because he wanted frozen pop.
Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it's a dear little thing.
What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
Where's Pop Corn?
How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag.
Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?
Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-et.
Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it's a nappy time.
Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby?
She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
Why did you drop the baby?
Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies.
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do baby pythons play with?
Rattle-snakes.
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog.
The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
What reads and lives in an apple?
A bookworm!
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
Puff pastry!
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?
Because they're crab apples!
What kind of apple isn't an apple?
A pineapple.
What is the left side of an apple?
The part that you don't eat.
What kind of apple has a short temper?
A crab apple.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?
Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
Keeps everyone away.
How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down hill.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
It can look round.
Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy?
None - because they were all redskins.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
An outboard apple.
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
When you take careful aim.
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden
How do you get the most apples at Halloween?
Take a snorkel.
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What would Economics be without assumptions?
Accounting
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!
'.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf?
A paredvark!
What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub?
A barredvark!
Why do computer teachers never get sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer?
The cat kept fiddling with I.T.
Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose.
Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard?
Buttons.
Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?
Click Turpin
Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?
Leeds.
Where is the best place to buy computer software?
Washington C.D
Where does an elephant carry its laptop?
In its trunk.
When do computers go to sleep?
When it's internight.
What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?
I don't know!
Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A slipped disk.
What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?
A thyme machine.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
A big mac.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
What do you do if your computer hums?
Tell it to change its socks!
What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.
What did one mouse say to the other mouse?
I get a click out of you.
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?
Sorry, you're not my type.
Want to buy a pocket computer?
No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.
Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
I've been on my computer all night!
Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.
"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."
How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They try to fix the old one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it.
We're going to rewrite it from scratch.
Could you wait two months?"
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?
PC Plod.
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.
What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?
No wonder you called the company Microsoft
- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
How do you fix a woman's watch?
- It doesn't matter.
There is a clock on the oven.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Why did the witch lose her way?
Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.
What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray.
Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?
She always wore long gloves to cover it up.
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.
How do sheep keep warm in winter?
Central bleating!
What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
What is a vampire's favourite soup?
Scream of mushroom!
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
That the nail had come out of the wall.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?
He used to keep it in his back pocket.
Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth.
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
He ate himself!
What did the vampire call his false teeth?
A new fangled device.
How do you spell wrong?
R?o?n?g.
That's wrong.
That's what you asked for, isn't it?
Why did the chicken get sent off from a soccer match?
For fowl play!
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink?
Gravi-tea!
What do you call an overweight ET?
An extra cholesterol!
What do you call an alien starship that drips water?
A crying saucer!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he's finished.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch?
He bolted it down.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?
He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.
What brings the monster's babies?
The Frankenstork.
A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"
while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
Do you want some help using the Internet, son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
Can you show me how to use the Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.
What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
Wait at a buzz stop!
Where would you put an injured insect?
In an antbulance!
What does a queen bee do when she burps?
Issues a royal pardon!
What is a bee's favourite classical music composer?
Bee-thoven!
What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
A bee with a cold!
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It got angry and bit at the champ!
Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?
He was the Chief In-Spectre.
What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?
Afresh air freak.
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.
What do you call a rich frog?
A golf blooded reptile!
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?
Albunny, New York!
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Because a little water ends both of them!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
- To a mewseum.
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days.
What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop on.
How do eels get around the seabed?
They go by octobus.
Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?
Only if they have a very frank relationship!
So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?
With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.
What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
One with no spooks in it.
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?
It has a rattle.
What was the policeman's baby's first words?
Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader?
A bookworm!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What does the aardvark call his dog?
Aard-bark!
What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.
How many Narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he doesn't screw it in, he just holds it and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?
Just one, if you put it in the right place.
You know why Michael J. Fox makes really good milkshakes?
Because he uses the best ingredients.
What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?
The lumberjack has a job.
You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?
They're bitter.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet?!
But most just grow 4.
How do you make a Bloody Nicole?
Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ.
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?
I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke?
When it leaves you and doesn't come back.
What do you call a broken square?
A REKTangle
What did one barstool say to the other?
Nothing, inanimate objects cannot talk.
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?
The Sesame Seeds on his buns.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?
In case one dozen come out right.
Did you hear?
Sting was kidnapped!
The Police still have no lead.
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
What do you call a person with no eyes?
Blind.
Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer?
At a concentration camp.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
Where do dads keep their jokes?
In their dada-base.
Why couldn't the radish finish the race?
He was a little beet.
Why are there no Wal-Mart stores in Afghanistan?
Because there's a target on every corner.
Did you hear about the archaeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?
His career is in ruins.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.
Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?
Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.
Which cheese is made backwards?
Edam!
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine.
Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing
Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.
Me: And?
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?
He doesn't he just talks about how great it used to be.
What do a comb and a guitar have in common?
Neither of them can climb trees.
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him?
I don't wanna be Obama self.
What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.
Why didn't Suzy give Mary a high five?
Because I cut off her hand.
What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?
Au-burn.
Why did the sprinter lose the race?
He had no legs.
What's 18 inches long and never gets used?
Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
What do you call a beagle and an eagle mixed together?
A beagle.
How much did Harambe drink in the bar?
Just a couple of shots.
What's the difference between everybody and bullets?
Everybody misses Harambe.
How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?
Pretty much any way you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?
They have very little patients.
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?
Because General Lee I don't find them funny.
Why was the Asian terrible at driving?
He was drunk.
Have you heard about the one-armed superhero?
He single handedly stops crime.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the mac and cheese before it was cool.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could learn to drive.
Why was the little drop of ink so sad?
Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!
What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?
Mitosis.
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?
A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.
What difference does an "A" make?
Well, the difference between NASA and NSA is astronomical.
Which chord is essential to every Christian song?
Gsus.
Why can't Michael J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
How does a mathematician solve their constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
What do you a call a person who can't fly.
A person.
Where do poor meatballs live?
In the spaghetto.
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He did not have sufficient stability in his arm at that moment causing him to loosen his grip and drop his ice cream.
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers.
Can the ninja throw his ninja stars?
Shurikan.
Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?
He always gets stuck on across.
If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder.
Want to hear a construction joke?
I'm still working on it.
Why did the white man go to jail?
He broke the law.
Why do Nuns always wear Black and White?
No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.
What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?
There's not mushroom in here.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?
A nervous wreck.
How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq?
Iran.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme!
Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?
Because its not very nice.
Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?
"NASThe Sky's The Limit"
Why did the Ghost enter the bar?
For the BOOOOS.
What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?
It wooden go.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
What's the most useful material?
Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
How do you get two whales in a car?
You can't. Whales are very large creatures and cannot fit into anything that size.
What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?
Breakfast and lunch.
What did one socially awkward kid say to another socially awkward kid?
Nothing.
Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
Whats wet, fishy, and gets caught by fishermen?
Fish.
What's a fish store with no fish?
A water store.
How do you make a baby cry?
You throw bricks at its face.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Whats the point? Feminists can't take a joke anyway.
What gets bigger every time I see my wife?
My wife.
Why did the boat sink?
The captain drove it into a pile of sharp rocks.
What do you call a dog that's half poodle, half bulldog?
A dog.
What is harder than Jenga?
Being a quadriplegic.
Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?
Because Africa isn't a country.
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?
Oakley Dokelys.
What do you call an angry German?
A sour kraut.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
I-75.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?
C4
Why are there no living cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them all.
What has four legs and one arm?
An attack dog in an elementary school.
What's harder than a diamond?
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
How are marriage and CPR training the same?
You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?
About thirty thousand dollars a year.
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
Because Somalia doesn't have an education system
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?
Because it means they *cantaloupe*
Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US?
because he isllamaphobic
How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?
To get some fresh air
Did you hear about the blonde identical twins?
They couldn't tell each other apart.
What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
what do vegan zombies eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside?
A lightbulb.
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?
Trump supporters vote
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
What does a Native American Biologist live in?
ATP
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.
What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?
A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.
What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?
a Guardian of the Galaxy
What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the panties in long relationship you gently remove the panties in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lube
How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?
By saying Alderaan things.
Why did the church hire a prostitute?
Her resume said "missionary position"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
Why do blondes have schools underwater.
Because deep down, they're not so stupid.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
What do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.
How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?
You turn off the carousel.
Why is Jesus Christ so buff?
Crossfit.
What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?
Darth Vader.
Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're good people.
How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?
Dairy
Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife?
Because some jobs American's just won't do.
What's 668?
The Neighbor of the Beast.
What do you call children born of ginger people?
Ginger-bred
what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler
Hitler had supporters.
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, and the other in a while
What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller?
One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.
Who makes more money: a prostitute or a drug dealer?
Depends on who has the best crack.
How do dating sites in Alabama save money?
They link to Ancestry.com
How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism. But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.
What do you call a blonde in a closet?
Last years hide and seek champion.
What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How do pigs talk?
Swine language.
What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook?
When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?
Because they have no attachments.
What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?
They wipe, flush, and wash their hands.
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?
Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.
Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore?
He always beats her to the punchline.
What did the French chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place
How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
Why did Johnny fail his programming class?
His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?
He got creped out.
Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?
By taste.
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?
Because they're friends with grand wizards.
What do Asian pirates do?
They fry pranes!
Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?
He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choirboy.
What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?
Impersonating a police officer.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
Remarry
What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website?
Forgot Your Password?
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?
He didn't work well with udders.
How do you make a hormone?
You pay her. (This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)
Where does an atom go when it breaks down?
A quantum mechanic.
How do you get Americans to join a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?
She was looking in Alderaan places.
How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."
Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?
One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.
How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A what?
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass murderer
What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?
The Delete Key
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...
What do you call a preacher with an erection?
A firm believer
How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?
They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor?
Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?
He's still nuts over her.
how do you know you are a real redneck?
you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeno business
Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?
Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
Why are Native Americans the best strippers?
Because when they dance they make it rain.
What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?
A connoisaur
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...
Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?
...94 people died.
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None- that's hardware.
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?
A rebel without a gauze
How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant?
She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he had a hole in one.
Why do drug dealers hate prostitutes?
Because prostitutes can wash their crack and sell it again.
Why is outer space so clean?
It's a vacuum!
What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?
Irrelephant.
What do you call 16 white American people?
A full blooded Cherokee
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?
Cuz you know something's about to go down.
Which American state is not great, but not bad either?
OK.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
She gets a frog in her throat at 69!
What do you call a natural blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.
Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?
Because they never get a reaction.
Why don't any American football players wear glasses?
Because it is a contact sport!
What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?
An essay.
What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?
An omniwhore.
Why couldn't the computer play golf?...
...Because it had the wrong Driver
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline!
How do you make a woman go blind?
Put a windshield in front of her.
What should you do before cooking the vegetables?
Remove the wheelchair
what do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?
Word to your mother.
What happened when the reporter fell into the water?
She became an anchor.
How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?
Microsoft.
What does a drunk police officer do?
Protect and swerve.
How do you save a pirate's life?
C P Arrr!
What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?
Probably killed.
How do you make an elephant float?
A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed over by a period
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday." The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop an onion.
How do you turn German beer into American Beer?
Drink it
What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?
Open Toad sandals.
How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?
He's out standing in his field.
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
What do ghosts do when they're sad?
They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with terrorists
Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?
They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?
Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.
What's a rednecks favorite part of archaeology?
Relative dating
What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?
Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?
So they can park in handicap spots.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor
Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Which dinosaur named all the others?
The Thesaurus
How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?
He was too far out man!!
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve?
The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
Why Eiffel Tower is so high?
So the white flag can be visible from Berlin. Sorry :P .
whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?
... I pull out of my driveway
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?
Because the whole state is inbred
Why did the black man walk into a bar?
Because the cell door was still locked.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...
What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?
Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by?
Everywhere.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.
What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAIIINNNNSS!!!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The Rooster.
Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.
What does baby computer call his father?
Data.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A family reunion.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath
One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb ?
There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb.
How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?
Kinder Surprise
What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?
A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.
How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?
You give her a test tickle.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
because their future is so bright
Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band?
Foreigner.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't. They just beat the room for being black.
What's the most common marriage proposal?
You're what!
What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?
The box said 2-4 years!
Why couldn't the American leave Russia?
He was Snowden.
Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?
Because they have high double standards.
What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common?
Someone is going to lose a trailer.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Again with the victim blaming, jerk? Don't tell us to change the lightbulb, tell the lightbulb to not need changing.
Why is acne better than a catholic priest?
At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
What did one earthquake say to the other?
Was that your fault or mine?
Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?
They lost their reservations.
Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?
They keep getting lost at sea.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
What's the difference between a $20 prostitute and a $200 prostitute?
When the $20 one swallows, it's because she's hungry.
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?
One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence. The other is an Iraqi Army base.
Why are elephants big and grey?
Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.
What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?
The ova achiever
Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?
but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist?
A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?
You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.
What is grey and comes in quarts?
An elephant
What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?
An Instagram account.
What's the strongest color?
Super Cyan
Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?
No one was hurt but business is toast.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?
A prostitute says "Faster, faster!" A girlfriend says "More, more!" A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.
What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying?
"It was a business doing pleasure with you."
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?
None, it is a hardware issue!
Why do elephants drink so much?
To forget.
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?
To beat the crowds.
What did the earthquake say to all of its victims?
Oh, sorry...my fault.
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?
He wasn't very good at taking shots.
What do they call Peter Pan in China?
Peter Wok
What does the president of Russia call his toilet?
Vladimir's Poo Tin
Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?
Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.
What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?
Web Development.
What's big, Scottish, and depressing?
Scotland.
How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?
Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.
Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?
The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
Which President had the shortest term?
Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.
What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?
Discrimination.
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The second telephone.
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?
Sold his soul to Santa.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
What did the German physicist call his beer mug?
Ein stein.
Why won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder take any Flint tap water with him overseas in order to stick to his promise that he'd drink it for a full month?
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?
Because any more would be too farty.
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?
To the airport please
What do asian cannibals eat?
"rawmen"
What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.
Why do people like Hillary Clinton?
When she can't even stand herself?
Why did the farmer fire the DJ?
Because he kept on dropping beets.
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?
Very satisfying.
Why does a bride wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
How are blind kids punished by their parents?
The parents move the furniture.
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
How much do pirates charge for piercings?
A buck an ear.
What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children
A Swallocaust.
Why did the cucumber blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do the Police and Pokemon have in common?
They gotta catch 'Jamal
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
What do farts and children have in common?
You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?
The specific ocean.
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
Why did the chicken kill himself?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?
Comic Sans
What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?
A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?
Tell her a joke at Christmas
How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
Why did Medusa order pizza?
Her boyfriend was stoned.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?
... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.
What is a pirate's favourite letter?
He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.
How do you keep a blonde busy for years?
Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?
Wendy's.
what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?
He got a woodpecker.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?
A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate rescission of all funding.
Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?
They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana?
Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.
Have you heard about the sequel to
the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
What happens to lawyers after they die?
They lie still.
How often do scientists check the element table?
Periodically...
How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.
What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?
Where you going essay!?
What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?
He got the cold shoulder.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate
What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?
E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Shot of tequila." *Bartender pours it.* *Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.* Cat: "I'll have another."
What do you call a redneck virgin?
A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.
How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.
Alien vs predator
Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?
"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport
What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?
A headmaster.
How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?
The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?
'Scurvy
What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse
A mechanic
What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city?
Nadasaki
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they never get the house.
How do I know that Trump will be our next president?
Because Orange is the new Black.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown
Artificial Intelligence
When they start with the punchline.
How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?
Why did the farmer get an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What has 60 feet and 5 teeth?
The front row of a Trump rally.
What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?
Don't do it! You have potential!
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic
Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?
He couldn't handle the boos.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.
Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits in your wife's clothing.
What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?
The cold shoulder
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?
Drool
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb?
You can un-screw the light-bulb
What computer monitor sings the best?
A Dell.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died?
He pasta way.
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
They both come when you're asleep.
"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "
"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".
How come American cops always lose at pool?
Because they always shoot down the black one first.
How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?
He will build alternative fact-tories
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?
[removed]
How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?
A Lot.
What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?
A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
What do scientists and vegetables have in common?
Stephen Hawking
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.
What's the difference between America and Europe?
In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.
What's Afghanistan's National Bird?
An American drone.
What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?
Your nuts hang out the side. A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot?
3/5ths
How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?
I'm not sure yet.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store?
One nightstand.
What's green and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
How does a black mother tell her children apart?
She remembers them by their last names.
Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?
The other 20% drive Mercedes
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?
He had no proper tea..
Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC?
Cause it comes with a bucket.
Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.
What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?
A cannibal.
Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?
Gingers just don't last in the sun.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What's the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
how do you know asians have broken into your home?
the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway
What is the difference between God and a police officer?
God doesn't think he's a police officer.
What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?
Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?
Her/she
Why are Americans bad at DotA ?
Because they can't defend their towers.
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?
He had a bounty on his head.
What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?
She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.
What's the difference between America and yoghurt?
If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea...
What do a woman and a grenade have in common?
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.
What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
The way they traveled through the chimney.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?
Gluten tag
Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...
...or does he have toupee?
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls
What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
You can just drop her off anywhere.
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it.
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
It's not hard.
Why are relationships complex?
Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
Why were all the computers in the company frozen?
Because they let IT go
What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?
Reintarnation.
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters?
Orange Is The New Black
How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
What happens when you shoot a black man?
You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side!
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
What's more Irish than eating potatoes?
Not eating potatoes.
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?
Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.
What's the difference between children and Isis?
Drones can't tell either
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry
Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?
Ubisoft
What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
What do you call a circle of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins!
What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands... I like this joke because it never grows old... This joke is off the hook... Sorry
Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?
they only had one pickup
What are they going to use to build the wall?
The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?
The Crimea River
Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?
Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.
What's a pirate's favorite explosive?
M80
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry gets to take the train back.
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!
When do want them?! NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?
A sunken chest with no booty.
Know why vodka is so clear?
It's so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
What did Donald Trump hate most about school?
Essays.
Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?
Men toes.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Mainly, the taste.
What's a redneck's favorite dating website?
Ancestry.com
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?
Because they literally can't even.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
How many American rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb
Both of them
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
Why did the blonde snort splenda?
She thought it was diet coke.
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?
Gee, you knit?
Why didn't the bike go to the car show?
Because he was two tired.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
Why can't two elephants go swimming?
-They only have one pair of trunks.
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White Vans.
Why does Elton John play the piano?
Because he sucks on an organ.
What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?
Put it into airplane mode.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)
Alien vs. Predator
How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lets go ride our bikes
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They prefer to be left in the dark.
What shape is your hair in the morning?
A wrecktangle.
How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?
You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?
Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer?
..... a father in law.
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?
Nothing.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Attractive.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans
Where does Wal-Mart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again?
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?
An acronym stands for something
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
What does the US military and a fart have in common?
Air Force
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
One dumbass who never pulls out in time
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
So no one would tell him how to make Adam.
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?
Yours.
What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?
The restraining order
What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?
The French flag!
What's a pirates favourite letter?
P, because without it they're irate
How do you blindfold an Asian woman?
Put a windshield in front of her.
What do men and women have in common?
Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?
A Guantanamo Bae
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because it's US AF.
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?
Claude
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?
Thanks, Obama.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair
Virgin Mobile
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nobody knows, they never get to keep the house.
What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?
Professor +
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?
Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We don't address hardware issues.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto
In a bucket
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
What does Donald Trump's hair get at the end of each day?
[removed]
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A fart.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?
A vegetarian.
Why was the piano teacher arrested?
He kept fingering A minor.
What do British nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?
The pot was calling the cattle back
What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?
Brothel Sprouts.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears. Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox" Good times!
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
How many Caucasian American males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
what do you call four black people in a red sleeping bag?
-a very snug sleeping bag as they can rarely fit more then one person comfortably
How do you call a dog with no legs?
You can't call it, you have to go and pick it up.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To collect it's AIDS medication.
What did Gene give Carla for Christmas?
AIDS
Why did Larry fall off his bike?
He was hit in the head with a brick...
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?
Just a sort of mixed bird thing.
What's the difference between Chuck Norris and broccoli?
A lot.
What do you call a Black Comedian?
Funny, You Racist.
What did Santa give the little boy for Christmas?
Nothing, he's not real
How do you escape from being enlisted in the army of your nation?
Flee to a different country and bring along your valuables.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A satisfied elephant and a dead poodle.
What did the black kid get for his birthday? Yo bike!
How do you kill a blonde?
lightsabre to the throat should do it
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg, because breakfast comes before dinner.
Why did the Japanese man commit suicide?
He was terminally ill and decided it was his time to go
At what age are Americans allowed drink?
At any age. liquids are vital for human beings to survive.
What's the Capitol of Washington DC?
W
what did the McDonald's cashier say to the fat man ordering a large chocolate milkshake?
you want some fries with that shake?
What Do You Get When You Mix Chicken Stock, Carrots, potatoes (With Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate To Protect Color), Peas, Heavy Cream, Modified Food Starch, Contains 2% Or Less Of Wheat Flour, Salt, Chicken Fat, Dried Dairy Blend (Whey, Calcium Caseinate), Butter (Cream, Salt), Natural Chicken Flavor With Other Natural Flavors (Salt, Natural Flavoring, Maltodextrin, Milk Solids, Nonfat Dry Milk, Chicken Fat, Beef Extract, Ascorbic Acid [To Help Protect Flavor]), Monosodium Glutamate, Liquid Margarine (Vegetable Oil Blend [Liquid Soybean, Hydrogenated Cottonseed, Hydrogenated Soybean], Water, Vegetable Mono And Diglycerides, Beta Carotene [Color]), Roasted Garlic Juice Flavor (Garlic Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Gelatin, Roasted Onion Juice Flavor (Onion Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Chicken Pot Pie Flavor (Hydrolyzed Corn, Soy And Wheat Gluten Protein, Salt, Vegetable Stock [Carrot, Onion, Celery], Maltodextrin, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Flavors, Dextrose, Chicken Broth), Chicken Stock, Sugar, Mono and Diglycerides With Citric Acid to Protect Flavor, Spice, Seasoning (Soybean Oil, Oleoresin Turmeric, Spice Extractives), Parsley, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Yellow 5. Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Water, Nonfat Milk, Maltodextrin, Salt, Dextrose, Sugar, Whey, Natural Flavor, Butter, Citric Acid, Dough Conditioner, L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, Potassium Sorbate and Sodium Benzoate (Preservatives), Colored With Yellow 5 and Red 40. Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate added as Anticaking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking Agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate Added As Anticaking Agent OR Seasoning (Salt, Monosodium Glutamate, Garlic Powder, Spice Extractives, Onion Powder), Soy Protein Concentrate, Rice Starch and Sodium Phosphates. Battered With: Water, Wheat Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Monocalcium Phosphate), Salt, Dextrose, Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Predusted With: Wheat Flour, Wheat Gluten, Salt, Dried Egg Whites, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Soy Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice, Nonfat Dry Milk, Onion Powder, Dextrose, Extractives of Turmeric and Extractives of Annatto, Breading Set in Vegetable oil?
KFC's Chicken Pot Pie
what do you call a black guy in a cop car
a cop
What did the coal miner get for Christmas?
Black Lung Disease
How did the Irishman die?
He was old.
What did the creepy old man do to the child?
Took him to baseball practice
Why did the kid cry?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?????
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
His health was dwindling ever since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several years ago and this looked like the end.
Why did the cat bite its owner?
Because the owner had been dead for several days and the cat was locked in the house with nothing else to eat.
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Hypothermia
What did Larry do when little Billy's baseball crashed through his window? He raped and murdered little Billy for Larry has raped and murdered many children.
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
A pogo stick.
Just kidding.
Cancer.
What did Santa say to the prostitute?
"Merry Christmas!"
Why did Lisa let go of the monkey bars?
she was being molested
What do you call a gardener in Mexico?
Un Jardinero.
Did you hear what happened when the President, the Pope and the Dalai Lama went golfing?
Neither did I.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Due the limited cognitive ability and a lack of critical thinking skills, the chicken mistakenly ventured across the road in search of grain. Luckily the chicken was not injured on this occasion, however other chickens may not be so lucky in the future.
What did the blonde do when she found out one is most likely to get in a car accident within 6 miles of the home?
She drove more carefully in her neighborhood.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
An emergency floatation device.
Why did the white comedian get booed off stage?
Because his jokes were humorless and offensive.
Why do catholic priests enjoy the company of boys?
Because they must remain celibate and cannot have children of their own.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was being herded into a slaughter house to be killed, then packaged and shipped out to restaurant venders all across the country.
Why did the old lady start crying?
Because her daughter was raped and killed.
What did Grandma give her grandson Billy for Christmas?
Scarring memories of sexual abuse.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To mourn the loss of his daughter who died due a fatal car crash, caused by him while he was driving. across the street
Why was the blonde so dumb?
Because she wasn't properly educated.
Why did the prestigious college accept the Native American student?
Trick question, Native Americans don't exist anymore.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why are you worrying about the chicken? You just got shot.
What did the homeless man buy with a dollar?
Nothing. He didn't have a dollar.
how many fish does it take to turn on a lightbulb
None, lightbulbs don't work in the ocean
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, in fact, the "road" in this joke symbolizes the Mexican/American border. The chicken's real name is Esteban Jimenez and he crossed the "road" to reach his family on the other side so he can start his life over. In addition to this, Esteban's real dream was to establish a 401k and possibly go to law school so he could begin his own law firm.
What do you call a black man with a gun?
A police officer.
How do you occupy a blonde for hours ?
Give her a long list of stuff to do.
What do African Americans and Doorknobs have in common?
Before the Emancipation Proclamation was passed, neither was free. Doorknobs still aren't free.
Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
Why did the cop pull over the car full of black people?
Because, they were going 65 in a 35 mile per hour speed limit zone, Which is against the law.
Why were there four married men in one room without their pants on?
because it was the mens bathroom.
What's worse than tripping over a tree root?
The destruction of the ancient city of Pompeii in A.D. 79.
Though tripping over a tree root may hurt and result in the victim bleeding profusely, we live in the 21st century and at any time can call a doctor using a cellular device called a phone.
In A.D. 79, no technology in this category existed. People were overpowered by the rage of a mountain that they believed was a sign of the wrath of the heavens. People had to flee the city and a majority of them we killed by either inhaling to much smoke or other causes. This continued for over 18 hours.
Therefore, the destruction of Pompeii is far worse than tripping over a tree root.
what did the rooster get for his birthday?
nothing
What did grandma receive for her 75th birthday?
Alzheimer's.
How did the Mexican get into the U.S.A.?
He came in legally, and got his green card. He then continued his life as a business man and won the lottery four years later for 5 million dollars. He then bought a cool television, he also had children and put the money in their college funds later.
Why didn't the man get to see his family on Christmas?
He was blind.
Why did the black man have blood on his hands?
He was a surgeon
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually screw it in, and nine to stand around and say, "I can do it better."
Why did Suzy not eat her breakfast?
because I stapled her to the table.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It's really irrelevant when you realize this joke is about a suicidal chicken...
Why did Suzie fall of the swing?
Because Suzie was a cucumber.
How do you confuse a blonde? Try and teach her the finer points of Quantum Physics without allowing her to take any notes, and then test her on it.
What is invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey Farts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because its dopaminergic neurons fired synchronously across the synapses of its caudate nucleus, triggering motor contractions propelling the organism forward, while emitting 'cluck' distress signals, to a goal predetermined by its hippocampal road mappings.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
Why did the old man order the little girl into the car?
Because he was her grandfather.
why did the chicken cross the road?
why don't you just stay out of his personal life?
What do you call a taxi driver eating on a gourmet restaurant?
A taxi driver.
What did the Johnny say to the black man when he saw him buying a watermelon?
Nothing, Johnny is mute.
What did the Iraqi Suicide bomber bring on the airplane?
His Kindle, he enjoys reading books
What did the Dyslexic man write on his Christmas card?
Merry Christmas
What did the blind boy get for his birthday?
He doesn't know
What did the lawyer get for Christmas?
More paper work
What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
-They are both perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What did the blind, deaf, quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why did the blonde driver crossed the red light?
Because she has a good notion of physics and realized that the truck that was behind her was too fast to stop in time and if she braked there could have been an accident.
What did the blind, deaf, mute child get for Christmas?
Leukemia
Why did the Mexican guy run to the hospital?
Because it was faster than walking.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens do not possess the mental capacity to grasp the idea of "roads"
What's the similarity between a grape and an elephant?
Both are purple except for the elephant.
Why did the butcher have blood on his hands? He murdered his daughter.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was attached to the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the horse fall over?
Because I shot it
What do you say when your hot chocolate is to hot?
This hot chocolate is too hot.
What did the little orphan boy get for Christmas?
Nothing because he had died six months prior to Christmas due to the horrible living conditions of the orphanage.
Why did the black man cross the road?
To show the chicken that it isn't that hard.
What did the recently released criminal get for his birthday?
a nice sweater
What did the mute boy get for his birthday?
I don't know he didn't tell me
What is the pirate's favorite letter?
Z.
What did the golfer do on his vacation?
He played golf.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see if he can make before the car hits him.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
It escaped the zoo.
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for his birthday?
A basketball.
What do kittens and napkins have in common?
You can sneeze into both of them except the kitten doesn't like it
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Peer pressure and drugs.
Why did the boy miss the school bus?
He died in his sleep
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he has an abusive farmer and needs to get away before it gets any worse.
What's worse than finding out you have genital herpes?
Finding out your grandmother gave them to you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was being chased by a predator and crossing the road led it away from it's pursuer.
How many drunk Irishmen did it take to change the lightbulb?
None, the bulb was fine.
why did the chicken cross the road?
It's a chicken giving it the tendencies to wander if not properly fenced in.
What was the little boy doing in the deep end of the swimming pool?
Drowning.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but he may forget to finish the task due to his Alzheimer's.
What do you call 12 ghosts?
A bus accident.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.
What did santa say to the little girl on Christmas Eve?
Santa isn't real, but pedophiles are.
What's the difference between a hockey puck, and an African child? They're both black, but usually African children aren't round!
What do you call a black person with one leg?
In modern American society, it is proper etiquette to address somebody by their first name.
What's the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat???
His wheelchair
Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the astronaut, the olympic diver, the mcdonald's employee, and the web designer?
Neither did I...
What did the cat say when it jumped into the cardboard box?
Meow
What did the priest say to the rabbi?
"Hey Joe, how's the family?"
What did the cow say to the farmer?
'Moo.'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he clearly has an owner that doesn't fence him in.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The undeveloped cerebral cortex vital for comprehending irony left the chicken incapable of finding humor or possibly feeling self-disgust in the acknowledgment that it had just wandered across said road, this being a grandfathered human jest.
What did Sarah Palin say as she gazed to the West?
"I really wish my daughter hadn't gotten pregnant."
How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your house?
You could ask a neighbor, or check to see if anything has been missing, or set up a camera. There are actually many ways.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because he didn't have arms.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it is common to find chickens and other wild and/or domesticated animals roaming through the streets in a multitude of countries.
Why did Johnny fall off his bike?
He was shot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, go ask the chicken.
What is the difference between you and Chuck Norris?
You're reading this and he's probably doing something productive.
Why did Bert go to the doctor?
He had an appointment.
What did the boy with no legs get for Christmas?
A nice sweater.
Why did the airplane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.
why did the train not make it to the station?
it crashed and killed everybody on board.
Why did the fish look like a human?
Because it was a person, drowning.
What did the Africans get for dinner?
Nothing.
what's red and goes up and down?
a tomato in an elevator
Why do black people eat fried chicken?
Because they're humans and many humans enjoy the savory taste of fried chicken.
Why did they name the cat Salty?
I have no idea, ask his owner
What do you call a black man who sells drugs?
A pharmacist.
how do you make a cat blink?
strike him with a hammer.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who went to the grocery store?
She walked in, purchased the items that she specified on her shopping list, then left and went to her daughter's piano recital.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
What did the working mother get her son for Christmas?
Empty promises.
Why did the hamster run around the wheel.?
Because he lived in a small cage and had nothing better to do.
What did the little crippled boy get for his birthday?
He's an orphan so he doesn't know his birthday.
What do you get when you mix a dog with speeding bus?
Nothing, you can't mix those two things.
Why did the black man walk into KFC?
He was terribly hungry and had a reasonable amount of currency with him to purchase food for his well being.
What do you call an Iraqi man steering the plane?
a pilot, you racist.
How do you put an elephant in a taxi?
You open the door, make sure the elephant is seated comfortably, and close the door.
How many blondes does it take to walk into a bar?
One I guess. I don't know if I understand the question.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One's fun to smash with a sledgehammer. The other one's a watermelon
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first one to walk on the moon...
and Michael Jackson molested little children.
Why did the used car salesman stop selling cars?
He got fired.
What's the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold their head under water.
Why did the blonde woman sell her water skis? She was in a horrible accident and will never walk again.
What do you call it when a black man and a japanese woman get married?
A wedding.
What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree? - "Get down"
Why did the boy pick up the baseball?
He wanted to play baseball.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you need an electrician to screw in a lightbulb, you're a moron.
what did the cat say to the potato?
meow
What do George Washington, JFK and Hillary Clinton have in common?
They've never been to my house.
Why did the chicken walk into Mordor?
It didn't. One does not simply walk into Mordor.
whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
ones delicious and the other is a watermelon
How did Peter Parker tell his uncle that he was Spiderman?
He didn't because he was already dead.
what do an elephant, a fish hook, and a spaceship have in common?
absolutely nothing
Why can't black people swim?
Because most African American individuals grow up in inner urban cities where they have little or no access to swimming facilities.
Did you hear about the black guy who got into college?
Actually, there are nearly 10,00 African Americans who get accepted into college every year. This specific black male is notable because of his stellar grades and his activity in his community.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping off a cliff?
Mass suicide
What do a duck and a bike have in common? They both have handle bars except for the duck
Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.
Why did Bobby fall off his bike?
He was hit by 4 squirrels
Why did bobby die?
He was hit by a bus
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Actually it couldn't even walk because of all the hormones they injected into it in order to genetically enhance it's size and flavor.
Did you hear about the anorexic with the yeast infection? Apparently she's really good at math, and if she can overcome her afflictions she wants to become an accountant one day.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
An Irish wedding is the celebration of two people joining in matrimony, and an Irish funeral is a somber remembrance of a deceased person.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane over New York?
The Pilot.
what do you do when you forget to do your math homework?
kill your teacher
How many polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-One
Did you hear about the dyslexic eye chart maker?
His disability caused to him to have a difficult time at work and his production suffered because of this.
what do you call a fat black cat and a skinny white dog? Just two animals that are judged.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because a random biological stimulus compelled it to.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of water fowl.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the man fall of his bike? He was struck with a falling koala.
Why did the fish fall of its bike? Because it's a fish.
What is fuzzy and might kill you if it falls on you? A pool table.
Did you hear the one about the man who went into the jungle wearing nothing but leopard print underwear?
He was suffering from psychogenic fugue disorder and had no idea who or where he was. He was eventually eaten alive by a flesh-eating centipede. When his wife found out, she committed suicide.
what do babies and prostitutes have in common
they will both cry if you hit them with a brick
What did the blonde do when she reached the traffic lights?
She stopped, as the lights were red.
How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
One.
Why did the bus driver tell the black man to get to the back of the bus?
Because all the seats up front were full and its dangerous to stand in a moving vehicle
What do you call a black man that is working on a farm?
A farmer.
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?
A visit from the Make a Wish Foundation and the opportunity to see her favorite band in concert. Unfortunately, she was very ill from the chemotherapy, and was unable to really enjoy herself at the concert. She passed away several days later, surrounded by family and friends.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.
What's the difference between a turtle and a horse?
The horse has no shell.
Why couldn't Katie ride a bike?
Because she has leprosy.
What did the school bully get for his birthday?
Beaten by his alcoholic father. Children are a product of their environment and his father's abusive nature towards his son forced the young boy to act out in class giving him the reputation of a bully.
what is the biggest lie in the universe?
-click to enter only if you are 18
Why did the blonde kid lose the spelling bee?
Because she misspelled a word.
What happens to koala bears when the forests of Australia catch on fire?
They burn.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the overwhelming feeling of self doubt created by an abusive drug addicted father which has left him seeking life threatening situations that should never befall a simple chicken.
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
Call the police and have them deal with the tragedy.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?
Thomas and David after his father and grandfather.
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a cheetah?
Don't do that, I'm pretty sure it's illegal for several reasons.
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, possibly two if the lightbulb is high up and someone has to hold the ladder.
How do you kill a blonde?
Stab her.
What do you get when you cross some eggs and some toast?
Breakfast.
How do you know that god was a male?
You don't, that's why it's called faith.
What did the poor sickly orphan get for Christmas?
Nothing.
what did the schizophrenic get for his birthday?
new friends
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
A warm meal thanks to a Charity organization.
What do you call a blonde with one leg?
Heather Mills
Whats funny with two wheels?
A kid falling off his bike.
What do call a black piano player?
A pianist.
What did the one legged homeless person get for Christmas?
Frostbite.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
the Chicken.
What is it called when a male and a male are together.
A relationship
What did the redneck say to the Muslim?
Nothing, he is too blinded by racial hatred and ignorance after terrorist attacks on the U.S to speak with him despite having common interests, such as baseball.
How do you kill a blonde woman?
Stab her in the stomach so all the acidic contents of her stomach slowly burn her flesh.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Cadillac? A Cadillac is a car, and a dead baby is a morose and disgusting topic of internet humor.
What did 6 say to 7?
Nothing, numbers are abstract concepts thought up by humans and therefore, they cannot speak or converse in any sort of language.
What do Tom Cruise and Santa Claus have in common?
They are both are fat and have beards, except for Tom Cruise.
Why did the man float in the lake?
Because he was dead.
What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.
What did the catholic priest say to the little boy?
Nothing sexual, that kind of behavior isn't as widespread as people think.
How many eco-friendly people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because fluorescent lightbulbs last 6 to 12 years longer than an incandescent lightbulb.
What do the pope and an orange have in common?
They're both fruits. Except for the pope.
What do you call a white guy with a taller black woman?
A man in a deeply committed relationship.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Watermelons don't have feet.
How many aborigines does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have no idea what electricity is.
what do you do if you catch syphilis from a Swedish prostitute?
seek the help of a medical professional.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
what did the catholic priest say to the boy?
god be with you.
Why did the blonde shoot her dog?
Because it had rabies
Why couldn't Sally ride her bike?
because Sally has Cerebral Palsy.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Generally one, but as the situation varies so does the number.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's a trick question: feminists can't change anything.
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
How many bodies can you stuff into a oven?
Who tries figure that out? I'm calling the cops.
what do you get if you take the head off a duck and a monkey, and swap them over to the other bodies.
2 dead animals and quite a lot of mess
What did the pirate say when his parrot died?
Nothing. They both died at the same time in a horrible shipwreck. There were no survivors.
What do you call an arab terrorist with a bomb on his back in the middle of an airport?
Don't even worry. You will never be able to pronounce his name.
What do you get when you cross a duck with a cat?
You can't. The current state of genetic engineering will not allow avian DNA and mammalian DNA to be combined.
How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why should his legal status matter at all in this situation?
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A girl who really needs to see the doctor.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why do Black people love chicken?
Because it is delicious.
what do an elephant and a grape have in common?
One of them is purple.
Did you hear about the Blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She died.
What's the difference between a duck?
An armchair, because a vest has no sleeves.
How do you fit an elephant inside your car?
Starve it to death then chop it in pieces.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?
Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Why did the man fall off his bike?
I threw a fridge at him
Whats the difference between an American and a Frenchman?
The language they speak.
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Probably not too much considering the socio-economic climate present in the majority of African American communities in our country.
What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I'm not quite sure. I only took one year of Japanese in high school.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing baseball?
It depends on what the name of each individual is.
How do you kill a blonde?
Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.
What do you call a black man on a bike?
A hard-working individual who found a steady job and earned enough money to buy a bicycle of his own which he rides to and from his job because he is healthy, doesn't like to waste money on gas, and doesn't like the pollution automobiles put into the air.
What do you call a black guy who is selling drugs?
A pharmacist.
What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
What did the catholic priest say at the AA meeting?
Alcohol is ruining my life.
What did Grandma give little Ben for Christmas?
Nothing.She died on Thanksgiving day.
why did the chicken cross the road?
because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. the chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. if the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping out of a plane?
A world record sky diving group, and an improbably large aircraft.
How do you stop a bus? Throw small children in front of it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The farmer left the fence open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, "that's a nice car," but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, "OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!" I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one. he was an electrician
Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast and was late for her full-time job as a firefighter.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How do you stop a black person from drowning?
You toss him a flotation device.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side
How do you kill a blonde?
Well there are many ways, but all of which are wrong because murder is illegal.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
Why do black people eat fried chicken?
Because it tastes good.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
" I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"
What is the smallest part of a FIAT?
The owners brain.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a Facilities problem.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What's a mushroom?
The place they store school food!
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
What is the best revenge when another woman steals your husband?
Let her keep him.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
What burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither, they both burn shorter!
What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A stamp.
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
How do you get out of an elephant?
Run around until you're all pooped out!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
What's the first rule of scuba diving?
Don't fart in your wet suit.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Have you heard the joke about the skunk?
Never mind. It stinks!
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they forgot the words!
How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What is the difference between pizza and pussy?
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don't know. Never happens.
What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common?
They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing - it just waved!
Did you hear about the new Drink at the bar?
It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.
Why does Dolly Parton have such tiny feet?
Nothing grows in the shade.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do pie's and babies have in common?
They both have berries.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
What do you call a positively charged pussy-cat?
A CATion.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
Your wife always blows your bonus.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1) The viola burns longer.
2) The viola holds more beer.
3) You can tune the violin.
Why is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pit bull?
Lipstick!
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother in Law?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother in Law doesn't know the difference.
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
What was the last thing Dodi said to Diana?
"You look smashing!"
How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
Did you hear about the leper cowboy?
He threw his leg over his horse!
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello honey!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Why can't a bike stand up for itself?
Because it's two tired.
What did the Sheriff of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?
That was an arrow escape!
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
Why do birds fly south for winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane!
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his company, "Microsoft"?
He pulled down his underwear and looked in the mirror.
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geometry!
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
When they are on their backs they are screwed.
How do you teach a blonde maths?
Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
How do you get a parrot to speak?
Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's First Movement.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Amish don't believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world.
What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
Only the first one can make you smile.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Why did Eve want to move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple!
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?
Shout "Bingo!"
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a handoff behind the line of scrimmage.
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Why did everybody leave Hungry Jacks?
Because somebody dropped a Whopper!
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?
An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a fury.
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!
How do you know that the bartender doesn't like you?
Your bloody mary has a string hanging out of it.
Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine, the other got assassinated.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call a gay guy on roller skates? RollAIDES.
What games do elephants play with ants?
Squash!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How long is the average woman in labor?
Whatever she says divided by two.
What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
Multipliers!
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?
An animal that stinks and stings!
What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your salad?
Finding half a caterpillar!
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I can do better.
How do you get your dishwasher to work?
Slap her!
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
They both came from France in a wooden box.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
whats got 100 legs and 4 teeth? the methadone queue in HMP style prison
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed - it has to be smashed.
What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An eleph-ant!
What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A blackboard.
Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What is the difference between Hillary and Bill?
Hillary doesn't get caught!
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
What did one lab rat say to the other?
I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
What did the light say when it was turned off?
I'm delighted.
Why was the stadium cold?
Because it was full of fans!
Why don't Chickens Play Basketball?
There Would Be Too Many Fowls.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why did President Harry S. Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Diana can't stop either.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes silence.
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.
Why do men fart louder than women?
Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a hot chick on the other side!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
What's the definition of happiness?
Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother in Law's picture on a milk carton!
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
How does bob marley like his donuts?
With jamin!
Why did the energizer battery take a shortcut through the Twilight Zone?
Because he had to Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do; and he kept going and going and going.
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
What do you get when you have 32 Kentuckians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break!
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag.
What animal is best at math?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest!
Where is the world's fastest chicken from?
Ethiopia!
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do dolphins and men have in common?
They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.
Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?
One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!
How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-two, one-two, one-two.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What's a bees favourite flower?
A bee-gonias!
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken!
Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?
Next to the canteen!
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?
Into a re-tail store!
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
Few leech jokes out there.
Leeches only want your blood.
A leech drops off you once you're dead.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Waiter: How did you find the meat, Sir? Patron: I just lifted up a potato chip and there it was.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why did the blonde leave an empty milk bottle in the fridge?
In case visitors ask for black coffee.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David - He rocked Goliath to sleep.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Why is a man different from a computer?
You only have to tell the computer once.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in?
That's how dogs spend their lives.
Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
He was too busy playing the harmonica.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer!
whats the difference between a rottweiler and social services? you've got more chance getting your kids back of a rottweiler
What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
What do you do if you miss your mother in Law?
Reload and try again!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a leper in a bath?
Stew.
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
How do you call a member of the financial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A Buy-ologist.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist yet.
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows. They've never done it.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So you don't poke your eye out.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How do you trap a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
The pitcher threw his arm out and the left fielder dropped a ball.
What's common between men and video?
Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.
What did the circle say to the tangent line?
Stop touching me!
What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and O. J. Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair ... and OJ walked!
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo".
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.
What has no shape, you can't see it, travels fast, creates a sonicboom, and kills with deadly accuracy?
Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
What do you call a Mexican with no car?
Carlos!
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle uranus and wipe out klingons!
What is the Oprah Winfrey Computer Virus programmed to do?
To Quickly shrink your 200 megabytes into 80 megabytes and then slowly grow back to 200.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn!
Do you ever get straight A's?
No, but I sometimes get crooked B's!
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1) So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2) If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never became a queen of England.
How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?
In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.
Why did the Princess cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.
Which animal grows down?
A duck!
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They screw in hot tubs.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
What did God say after she made Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
Why doesn't jesus play hockey?
Because he's scared to get nailed to the boards.
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
What TV station do bees watch?
Bee Bee C!
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Chernobyl, one holds the bulb and it glows by itself.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit's Finger.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time!
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it ...
Have you ever noticed that the Klingons are all speaking unix?
"Grep ls awk chmod."
"Mknod ksh tar imap."
"Wall fsck yacc!"
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the free ones are either handicapped or extremely small.
Why was the leper caught speeding?
He couldn't take his foot off the accelerator.
what do you get if you cross water chestnuts with sugar wafers? cheap manna!
Why were males created before females?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
There are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!
What's the worst animal to play cards with?
A cheetah.
What did the homeless war veteran get for Christmas?
Nothing. We don't treat our veterans very well.
What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?
Nothing, he didn't make it that far.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
What is the quickest way to mans heart?
Chuck Norris's fist.
What is red and tastes like blue paint?
Red paint.
Why shouldn't you let your pokemon in the bathroom while you shower?
They might Pikachu.
Why couldn't Captain Ahab the get any sleep?
Because of all the whaling.
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it's driving down the road and turns into a driveway.
What's E.T. short for?
So he can fit into his spaceship.
What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Why did the boxer like the pretty girl?
Because she was a knockout!
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!
What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.
How many dead babies can you fit in a trash can?
12.
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit.
What's funnier than a pile of dead babies?
Pretty much everything because dead babies aren't a laughing matter
I have 7 legs, 5 eyes, and 9 arms. What am I?
A liar.
What is a difference between an accident and a tragedy?
Suppose you are with the family are beside a pool, and you suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - that's an accident.
If she can swim and gets out, that's a tragedy!
Why aren't Pakistani good at Football?
Because every time they get a Corner, they open a shop.
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
Why did the blonde spread peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab.
How are blondes like postage stamps?
You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Which rabbit is a famous comedian?
Bob Hop.
Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines?
He drew 100 cats on the paper.
He thought the teacher had said lions.
Why is the Apple still reporting record profits from iPhone sales?
Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.
What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas?
A red jellyfish.
How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.
Why did the Atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
How do you know if your baby is dead?
Your 3-year-old daughter has put on allot of weight in the last day or two.
One dinosaur said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Another dinosaur said "A non-renewable resource!"
What do the latest Iphone 6 applications do?
Whiten teeth and perform laser eye surgery!
What's the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!
What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen?
Eat out.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house?
His tricycle will be parked outside.
What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals?
F.B.I.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk!
What do you get from a cowmedian?
Cream of Wit!
What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?
Cold cream!
How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seventeen.
One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!
How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?
Tired.
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Why did the blonde lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
What does a clam do on his birthday?
He shellabrates!
What is your favourite type of birthday present?
Another present!
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe!
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle?
Bike carbonate of soda!
How do you get someone out of a chair?
Hit him with a shovel.
What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of milk?
1%
Why do you never see any bugs in a church?
Because they are in sects.
Why was the middle aged computer sad?
He had a floppy disc.
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?
A spokesperson.
What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?
The designated driver.
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because I was keeping his family at gun-point on the other side.
how do you stop a black man from drowning
take your foot off his head
What happens when you eat all the potatoes
They are all gone
What did the thief get for Christmas?
Nothing. He was sentenced to the death penalty.
Why did the kid get a bicycle for his birthday?
Cause his father is a respectable parent who loves his child.
What did the pope say to the prostitute he passed in the street?
Bath and Bodyworks are having a sale
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes millions of years.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch Manager.
What is a drill team?
A group of dentists who work together.
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!
Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you.
What should I pack it in?"
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.
Did you hear about the Chinese guy who moved to America and turned white?
He was really disoriented.
Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Because she got knocked up.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.